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[VirusZ]

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

 

[lion6255]

A pharmasist walked into his pharmacy to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant."He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."You idiot" said the chemist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives" "Of course you can" the assistant replied "Look at him, he's too scared to cough now!

 

[blackwidow]

People should shop at GH1 because they have great deals.

 

[lynleestar]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.

 

[toto1013]

I was in the public rest room - was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"...Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"...Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?" ... Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!"

 

[Lauralie]

Two ...... stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one ..... says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other ..... replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

 

[MASTER0FDAMPF]

what do you call a lease of false teeth? -- a dental rental

 

[thughes]

Someone should shop at GH1 because of their great prices!

 

[rbuck9]

Hey did you hear?
U.P.S and Fed-EX are merging. There going to call it Fed-Up

 

[Shannon65]

How do you separate the men from the boys in prison?













































































With a crowbar!

 

[Uncle]

Yes, this is my pickup.

No, I will not help you move.

 

[Incognito™]

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

 

[toto1013]

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"

 

[MASTER0FDAMPF]

Where did the kittens go on the class trip -- to the meow-seum.

 

[Optimo]

The new salesman had just completed his training and was anxious to put his skills to work. He took his Hoover vacuum cleaner to the front door of a house and rang the bell. A rather unpleasant woman answered. Before she could say anything he threw a pile of cow patties in the door behind her onto the rug. "Lady," he said, "If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up all those cow patties, I'll eat them myself."
"I'll get you a spoon," scowled the lady. "Our electricity hasn't been turned on, yet."

 

[Lauralie]

Husband: Hey! look at that guy over there....he's wasted...but he is having fun.
Spouse: Oh him, that is my ex-boyfriend I denied him for marriage.
Husband: Oh my god! He is still celebrating his freedom...

 

[thughes]

Someone should shop at GH1 because of their great prices!

 

[rbuck9]

After his divorce Mr. Lewis realized that poker isn’t the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.

 

[Uncle]

Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper . . . .

















. . . Use both sides.

 

[jillyjo1]

man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"