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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''
''No ....?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''
''Keep going!''
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''
''What next?'' begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''
I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?'
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''
''No ....?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''
''Keep going!''
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, ''You now have three wishes.''
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''
''What next?'' begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''
I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?'
Nostalgia. Do You Remember...?
1.Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped candy with colored sugar water
3.Candy cigarettes
4.Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
5.Party lines
6.Newsreels before the movie
7.P.F. Flyers
8.Butch wax
9.Telephone numbers with a word prefix (COlonial - 6933)
10.Pea Shooters
11.Howdy Doody
12.45 RPM records
13.S&H Green Stamps
14.Hi-Fi's
15.Metal ice trays with a lever
16.Mimeograph paper
17.Carbon copies
18.Blue flashbulbs
19.Packards
20.Roller skate keys
21.Cork popguns
22.Drive-ins
23.Studebakers
24.Wash tub wringers
25.Hop Scotch
26.Ring Around the Rosie
27.Hot potato
28.London Bridge
29.Red Rover, Red Rover
30.Red light, Green light
31.Mother May I ?
32.Playing dodge ball and kick ball until the streetlights came on
33.Jump rope
34.You're IT!!
35.Kick the Can
36.Duck, duck, GOOSE!!!
37.Getting an ice cream from the Good Humor Man
38.Cereal boxes with prizes at the bottom
39.Cracker Jacks with the same thing
40.Parents stood on the porch and whistled or yelled for you to come home
41.No air conditioning
42.Hula Hoops
43.Fat Albert, Tom & Jerry, Pink Panther, Road Runner, Richochet Rabbit, Heckle & Jeckle
44.Schoolhouse Rock
45.Saturday movies for 12 cents with HopAlong Cassidy
46.Watching Sunday morning oldies (Three Stooges, Abbott & Costello, Tarzan, Shirley Temple OR WONDERAMA!!)
47.Being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to what awaited you when you got home
48.A quarter seemed like a fair allowance
49.Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer
50.Any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry in the groceries...and nobody, not even the kid, thought anything thing of it
51.Almost everyone's mother was at home when the kids got there
52.A 13" black and white television in your room meant you were RICH
53.Rainy days at school meant playing "Hangman" or "Heads Up 7-UP" in the classroom
54."Work" meant doing the dishes or taking out the garbage
55."Race issues" meant arguing about who could run the fastest
56.Money issues were handled by the kid who was the banker in "monopoly"
57.Being old meant anyone over 20
58.I double-dog-dare you
59.Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
60.Catching fireflies for the whole evening and not getting tired of it
61.Homemade ice cream from a hand cranked ice cream maker
62.Water balloons were the ultimate weapon
THEN YOU ARE GETTING OLDER EVERY DAY ! ! ! !
EDIT: TO BE CONTINUED > > > > Post #932
Please Note: With this post #904 we have only 96 more post left - which is less than 100 post to go - YEA ! ! !
1.Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped candy with colored sugar water
3.Candy cigarettes
4.Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
5.Party lines
6.Newsreels before the movie
7.P.F. Flyers
8.Butch wax
9.Telephone numbers with a word prefix (COlonial - 6933)
10.Pea Shooters
11.Howdy Doody
12.45 RPM records
13.S&H Green Stamps
14.Hi-Fi's
15.Metal ice trays with a lever
16.Mimeograph paper
17.Carbon copies
18.Blue flashbulbs
19.Packards
20.Roller skate keys
21.Cork popguns
22.Drive-ins
23.Studebakers
24.Wash tub wringers
25.Hop Scotch
26.Ring Around the Rosie
27.Hot potato
28.London Bridge
29.Red Rover, Red Rover
30.Red light, Green light
31.Mother May I ?
32.Playing dodge ball and kick ball until the streetlights came on
33.Jump rope
34.You're IT!!
35.Kick the Can
36.Duck, duck, GOOSE!!!
37.Getting an ice cream from the Good Humor Man
38.Cereal boxes with prizes at the bottom
39.Cracker Jacks with the same thing
40.Parents stood on the porch and whistled or yelled for you to come home
41.No air conditioning
42.Hula Hoops
43.Fat Albert, Tom & Jerry, Pink Panther, Road Runner, Richochet Rabbit, Heckle & Jeckle
44.Schoolhouse Rock
45.Saturday movies for 12 cents with HopAlong Cassidy
46.Watching Sunday morning oldies (Three Stooges, Abbott & Costello, Tarzan, Shirley Temple OR WONDERAMA!!)
47.Being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to what awaited you when you got home
48.A quarter seemed like a fair allowance
49.Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer
50.Any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry in the groceries...and nobody, not even the kid, thought anything thing of it
51.Almost everyone's mother was at home when the kids got there
52.A 13" black and white television in your room meant you were RICH
53.Rainy days at school meant playing "Hangman" or "Heads Up 7-UP" in the classroom
54."Work" meant doing the dishes or taking out the garbage
55."Race issues" meant arguing about who could run the fastest
56.Money issues were handled by the kid who was the banker in "monopoly"
57.Being old meant anyone over 20
58.I double-dog-dare you
59.Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
60.Catching fireflies for the whole evening and not getting tired of it
61.Homemade ice cream from a hand cranked ice cream maker
62.Water balloons were the ultimate weapon
THEN YOU ARE GETTING OLDER EVERY DAY ! ! ! !
EDIT: TO BE CONTINUED > > > > Post #932
Please Note: With this post #904 we have only 96 more post left - which is less than 100 post to go - YEA ! ! !
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I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse ..... He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
From the desk of Steven Wright......
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
And, of course......
Smoking cures weight problems.........eventually.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
And, of course......
Smoking cures weight problems.........eventually.
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..
..."Well, crap that explains why no one was at church either.
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..
..."Well, crap that explains why no one was at church either.
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Knock Knock
Whos there?
Green
Green who?
Greenhouse One | Electronic Cigarettes | Atomizers | Eliquid is where to get great products at great prices.
Whos there?
Green
Green who?
Greenhouse One | Electronic Cigarettes | Atomizers | Eliquid is where to get great products at great prices.
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".
Not sure if this counts or not but this video was made for a joke. Please ignore the fact it was the very first video i made and the quality isnt what id like but alot of people still think its funny. Im the older but skinnier brother lol.
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
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