Anecdotes

[wfarrar33]

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

 

[wfarrar33]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?






















* Get your drunk-... off the merry-go-round.

 

[imeothanasis]

hahahahaha, both of them are exellent jokes wfa, especially the first one. Things are more simple that we think

 

[Torqueguy]

Henny Youngman 1948

My wife has beautiful hair halfway down her back
None on her head, just halfway down her back

 

[imeothanasis]

a man arrived at mexican abuttals with his motorbike and 2 bags on his soulders. Police asked him what he was carrying. "Rocks" the man answered. Police open the bags and found rocks. Next week the same. Police searched again and they found rocks.

Every week and Frr 6 months the same thing. But 1 week the man didnt show up. But the policeman found him at the center of the town and asked him: "We know that you were making bootlegging but we couldnt find something illegal. Please tell me what bootlegging you were doing and I will not speak to anyone. And the man said: "Motorbikes"

 

[wfarrar33]

clever man

a man arrived at mexican abuttals with his motorbike and 2 bags on his soulders. Police asked him what he was carrying. "Rocks" the man answered. Police open the bags and found rocks. Next week the same. Police searched again and they found rocks.

Every week and Frr 6 months the same thing. But 1 week the man didnt show up. But the policeman found him at the center of the town and asked him: "We know that you were making bootlegging but we couldnt find something illegal. Please tell me what bootlegging you were doing and I will not speak to anyone. And the man said: "Motorbikes"

 

[wfarrar33]

Not a joke but something worth watching to kill the time. I really relate to this guy and i hope he succeeds

 

[atavanhalen]

Not a joke but something worth watching to kill the time. I really relate to this guy and i hope he succeeds

Wow man, thanks for posting that, it hits really close to home for me as well, I need to go grab some tissue.

 

[Torqueguy]

OK, how about this one?

A guy gets a call at work from the police
The officer tells him that there was a break-in at his home and that the robber drank his beer and raped his wife
The guy said Wow, he had sex with my wife after only 4 beers?

 

[Torqueguy]

OK a traveling salesman's car breaks down in the country

He decides to walk to a farm to use the phone

On his way to the farm house, he sees a guy having sex with a sheep in the barn.

He needs the phone so he doesn't say anything and walks up to the farmhouse.

An old man answers the door, lends him the phone, makes him coffee and allows him to wait for the repairman.

The salesman is very thankful and decides to ask him if he lives alone on the farm.

The old man says no, I have a helper that lives in the barn.

The salesman says, well, I wasn't going to say anything but since you've been so kind... I saw your helper screwing one of your sheep he tells him.

The old man screams, grabs his gun and goes running to the barn.

He comes back even angrier and says

NO, THAT WAS HIS SHEEP

 

[CarolCrocbag]

A guy was having a game of golf with a friend one day and as they were on the green, about to make their putts, a funeral conceirge goes by, along the road by the green.
One guy takes his cap off and bows his head, as the parade passes.
The other guy is touched, "I knew were a good man, though that is very honourable."
The guy replies, "Well we were married thirty five years."

 

[Torqueguy]

OK, last try

A father comes home to his 4 year old daughter and finds her crying on the lawn.

He asks what wrong honey? She said FUFU, FUFU is not moving! So the father takes her to see FUFU the cat and the cat is dead, lying on his back with his paws in the air.

The father explains and the girl asks why is he on his back with his paws in the air?

The father explains that God does that so that when he takes FUFU to Heaven he can grab him by his little paws and takes him up. The little girl understands and feels better.

The next day, the girl is crying on the lawn again. The father again asks what's wrong this time honey?

The girl said "God almost took mommy to Heaven today? The father asks WHAT?

She explains that she awoke from her nap and heard Mommy screaming OH God, OH God and she was lying in bed, naked on her back with her legs in the air!

Fortunately daddy, "the kind postman was on top of her holding her down so God wouldn't take her"

 

[CarolCrocbag]

Better.

 

[wfarrar33]

glad you liked it, its definitely hard to get a little emotional when i watch it lol

Wow man, thanks for posting that, it hits really close to home for me as well, I need to go grab some tissue.

 

[imeothanasis]

Oh yes, much better torq hahahahahaha

OK, last try

A father comes home to his 4 year old daughter and finds her crying on the lawn.

He asks what wrong honey? She said FUFU, FUFU is not moving! So the father takes her to see FUFU the cat and the cat is dead, lying on his back with his paws in the air.

The father explains and the girl asks why is he on his back with his paws in the air?

The father explains that God does that so that when he takes FUFU to Heaven he can grab him by his little paws and takes him up. The little girl understands and feels better.

The next day, the girl is crying on the lawn again. The father again asks what's wrong this time honey?

The girl said "God almost took mommy to Heaven today? The father asks WHAT?

She explains that she awoke from her nap and heard Mommy screaming OH God, OH God and she was lying in bed, naked on her back with her legs in the air!

Fortunately daddy, "the kind postman was on top of her holding her down so God wouldn't take her"

 

[Torqueguy]

2 women on a field were searcing for potatoes. The one of the women suddenly finds a potato that was so huge that she couldnt hold it in her hands. And she said: wow that is like my hasband's thing. And the other asked: wow, so big? The first woman said: No, so dirty

I heard about the lady with the husband with the potato-like qualities.

That lady had a daughter. A girl with a nice personality, therefore, not experienced in the art of intimacy. Frankly speaking, the proverbial double bagger, poor thing.

She marries a farmboy and they go on their honeymoon. When they return, the mother visits her
daughter in her new home.

They discuss many topics including her initiation with horizontal refreshments. The girl is shy and turns red. The mother asks about the grooms GG, is it a telescopic or a stealth?

The daughter replies its like a peanut. The mother says that its ok, not all men are gifted

And the girl replies no, I was refering to the fact that its salty.

 

[atavanhalen]

A guy was having a game of golf with a friend one day and as they were on the green, about to make their putts, a funeral conceirge goes by, along the road by the green.
One guy takes his cap off and bows his head, as the parade passes.
The other guy is touched, "I knew were a good man, though that is very honourable."
The guy replies, "Well we were married thirty five years."

Lol this was the very first joke in this thread, only 6 pages and we already got a repeat......

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

 

[CarolCrocbag]

HaHa, I know where wfarrar33 got it from then, it was in this months Readers Digest, word for word as wfarrar posted; I was going from memory.

*Edit. OMG, what a ....... I must of read it from the first post and thought Im read it in Readers Digest, as I just went to check it in RD and it is not there. Boy oh boy, shame. That'll teach me to not smoke pot.

Lol this was the very first joke in this thread, only 6 pages and we already got a repeat......

 

[atavanhalen]

HaHa, I know where wfarrar33 got it from then, it was in this months Readers Digest, word for word as wfarrar posted; I was going from memory.

*Edit. OMG, what a ....... I must of read it from the first post and thought Im read it in Readers Digest, as I just went to check it in RD and it is not there. Boy oh boy, shame. That'll teach me to not smoke pot.

I wouldve done something like that if I did smoke lol. You posting that made me laugh so I guess it did its job in this thread.

 

[jlodvo]

THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem