Best joke wins a ZMAX 510 battery mod!
- Thread starter eric
- Start date
- th_trl_thread_readers 0
- Status
This is a story that Ian Anderson, the leader of the British rock group Jethro Tull told during a
concert. The concert was in Detroit, although that is not important to know in order to follow
along.
One day, the drummer of Jethro Tull, who was named Barry Barlow, showed up for a
rehearsal wearing a pair of kilts that he had purchased during the band's recent tour of
Scotland. Ian Anderson, who as I said before is the leader of the group, was curious as to what
a person wears under a kilt. So, he said to Barry, "Hey Barry, what have you got under your
kilt?"
So, Barry said to Ian Anderson, "Well, why don't you stoop down, stick your head under and
take a look". And Ian Anderson did so and, as he later reported, with a big toothy grin, to the
crowd at the concert, "I have to tell you that what I saw was gruesome. And, as I looked at it,
it grew some more!"
concert. The concert was in Detroit, although that is not important to know in order to follow
along.
One day, the drummer of Jethro Tull, who was named Barry Barlow, showed up for a
rehearsal wearing a pair of kilts that he had purchased during the band's recent tour of
Scotland. Ian Anderson, who as I said before is the leader of the group, was curious as to what
a person wears under a kilt. So, he said to Barry, "Hey Barry, what have you got under your
kilt?"
So, Barry said to Ian Anderson, "Well, why don't you stoop down, stick your head under and
take a look". And Ian Anderson did so and, as he later reported, with a big toothy grin, to the
crowd at the concert, "I have to tell you that what I saw was gruesome. And, as I looked at it,
it grew some more!"
This blonde wanted to change her whole look so she dyed her hair brown, bought a new wardrobe and a shiny new sports car.
As she is driving in the country she sees a big flock of sheep grazing in a field. She stops and calls to the shepherd, "Mr Shepherd! What beautiful sheep!"
Shepherd says "Well thank you mam'"
Brunette says "Hey, I have a proposition for you. If I tell you the exact number of sheep you have, can I have one?"
Shepherd looks miffed, a proposition? but says "My sheep? OK" thinking yea, sure.
Brunette stands on the seat of her car and points to the sheep counting. One, two, twenty, thirty.... Finally she says "482"
Shepherd is stunned! That is the exact number of his flock. So he says to the woman, "Fair is fair, go pick out a sheep."
She walks through the flock and finally picks up a sheep and puts it in the back seat of her shiny new sports car.
Shepherd sighs and says "Mam, I have a proposition for you."
Brunette says "What is that?"
Shepherd says "If I guess the real color of your hair can I have my dog back?"
My last b/f was a drummer, and I heard this joke a little differently...
A drummer was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd tending
a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the meadow.
The drummer took a fancy to the sheep, and said:
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was odd, but since there was little chance
that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, he said "Sure."
The drummer guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment,
since this was exactly how many sheep he had.
The drummer got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?"
and the shepherd grudgingly gave his OK. The drummer selected his sheep, bent over,
and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry it home.
The shepherd then asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?"
The drummer was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely
that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal.
The shepherd then said "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."
What did the vocalist do when his g/f left him?
Wrote a song.
What did the guitarist do?
He smashed his guitar!
What did the bassist do?
He cried...
What did the drummer do?
Drummer? Girl friend??????
Wrote a song.
What did the guitarist do?
He smashed his guitar!
What did the bassist do?
He cried...
What did the drummer do?
Drummer? Girl friend??????
But then again...
A bass player and a guitarist were seated next to a drummer on an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the bass player bragged,
"and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the guitarist responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the drummer remained silent, the guitarist smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the bass player arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop!!"
A bass player and a guitarist were seated next to a drummer on an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the bass player bragged,
"and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the guitarist responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the drummer remained silent, the guitarist smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the bass player arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop!!"
Alright, I'm going to cut this off tomorrow (Monday) at midnight. 32.5 hours to go!
I'll have a winner by Wednesday!
Can't wait to read these tomorrow!!!
I'll have a winner by Wednesday!
Can't wait to read these tomorrow!!!
A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts." He asks "What do you mean?" So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren''t you?" She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?" Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."
so a man dies and goes to heavan. the gate keeper is surrounded by clocks the man says whats with the clocks he said every time you lie on earth youre clock moves a hand. the angel said theres mother teresas clock its never moved then he points to abraham lincons clock and said the clock hand has only moved twice. so the man says well where is OBAMAS clock.. the angel says oh god has that one in his office.. he uses it as a celing fan. haha i though that one was pretty well through thru
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Those McRib ads really weird me out.
The ones where people are French-kissing their McRibs.
That is actually illegal in 16 states.
The ones where people are French-kissing their McRibs.
That is actually illegal in 16 states.
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
----------------------------------------------
"I met my wife at a singles' bar."
"Really?"
"I thought she was home with the kids."
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
----------------------------------------------
"I met my wife at a singles' bar."
"Really?"
"I thought she was home with the kids."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the 911.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the 911.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
-----------------------------------------
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian.
-----------------------------------------
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
Tennish.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
-----------------------------------------
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian.
-----------------------------------------
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
Tennish.
Mondays........they're like the creepy uncle that sits in the corner staring at you...................... Nobody likes them!
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Cody's Place,' in The Villages, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket..It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'.'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'.
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed..I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'.'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back? ''Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Cody's Place,' in The Villages, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket..It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'.'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'.
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed..I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'.'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back? ''Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig."Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears."Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.""This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy."I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance,I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all."I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here, watching the poison dissolve. Then some jack-... walks up and drinks the whole thing!"
An unemployed woman, desperate for work, went into a toy factory. The personnel manager told that all he had was a very low skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line. The woman happily accepted, he took her down to her new post, explained the job, and told her to report for work the next day at 8am.
The next day at 9am the production manager came charging into the personnel manager's office and said that production had groud to a halt and demanded that the personnel manager accompany him to the line to have a look.
The two men arrived at the Tickle Me Elmo line and, sure enough, work had piled up at the new woman's station. She had a big roll of the fabric that Elmo was made out of and a bag of marbles. They watched as she cut a little piece of fabric and wrapped it around two marbles, and sewed them in between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager burst out laughing. When he regained his composure he walked up to the woman and said:
"I'm sorry, I should have been more clear when I explained your job to you yesterday.
What I wanted you to do was to give Elmo two 'test tickles'."
The next day at 9am the production manager came charging into the personnel manager's office and said that production had groud to a halt and demanded that the personnel manager accompany him to the line to have a look.
The two men arrived at the Tickle Me Elmo line and, sure enough, work had piled up at the new woman's station. She had a big roll of the fabric that Elmo was made out of and a bag of marbles. They watched as she cut a little piece of fabric and wrapped it around two marbles, and sewed them in between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager burst out laughing. When he regained his composure he walked up to the woman and said:
"I'm sorry, I should have been more clear when I explained your job to you yesterday.
What I wanted you to do was to give Elmo two 'test tickles'."
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch,but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day andknew a lot about ranching.For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You havedone a really good job, and the ranch looks great.You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by thefireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.
"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said ,"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day andknew a lot about ranching.For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You havedone a really good job, and the ranch looks great.You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by thefireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.
"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said ,"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
- Status
Similar threads
- Locked
- Locked
