Best joke wins a ZMAX 510 battery mod!
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When Chuck Norris does pushups, he's actually pushing the earth away from him.
Dinner with the Girls
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discount.
10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discount.
10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.
Mr. Bates wanted to start a ..... house. The problem was he didn't have a lot of money...
He had to start the first few years off doing everything by hand.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
He had to start the first few years off doing everything by hand.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just beat the room for being black.
None. They just beat the room for being black.
So I saw a rather large person in a sweatshirt that said 'GUESS'......I said, "Thyroid problems?"
I get the stitches out of my face in a week.
I get the stitches out of my face in a week.
An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging trough a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
A few weeks later the blonde returns, looking worse than ever and she seems to have lost a lot of weight. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging trough a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
A few weeks later the blonde returns, looking worse than ever and she seems to have lost a lot of weight. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill."
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her .... that read, "We will never forget you."
The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her .... that read, "We will never forget you."
Cheap Beer
A man in a pub asks for a beer. The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
A man in a pub asks for a beer. The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
Spanish Lesson
A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House for instance, is feminine: la casa. Pencil, however, is masculine: el lapiz.
A student asked, What gender is computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The mens group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computadora), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The womens group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (el computador), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still cant think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House for instance, is feminine: la casa. Pencil, however, is masculine: el lapiz.
A student asked, What gender is computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The mens group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computadora), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The womens group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (el computador), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still cant think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what is the first thing you would buy?
a (very old) couple are walking by a drug store.
The old lady tells he husband to get ...... as it has been years since their last time and she is in the mood for it.
He goes in and buys a box of ....... Not wasting time, she asks him to chew one as they walk home.
As they walk into their house, with a big smile he says, its working dear.
In a hurry she says get undress as she pulls off her dress.
Once they are both bare, disaster; it goes limp.
He says, even drugged up she recongnizes you !
The old lady tells he husband to get ...... as it has been years since their last time and she is in the mood for it.
He goes in and buys a box of ....... Not wasting time, she asks him to chew one as they walk home.
As they walk into their house, with a big smile he says, its working dear.
In a hurry she says get undress as she pulls off her dress.
Once they are both bare, disaster; it goes limp.
He says, even drugged up she recongnizes you !
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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?'
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see', laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'
oooooo BUSTED
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