Many days I have ".... drag"~it's kind of like jet lag, but without the frequent flyer miles......
Best joke wins a ZMAX 510 battery mod!
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This guy is sitting in a bar drowning his sorrows when another guy walks in with a dog.
The dog immediately sits down and starts licking its balls.
The first guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that."
The dog owner says, "Go ahead, he's friendly."
The dog immediately sits down and starts licking its balls.
The first guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that."
The dog owner says, "Go ahead, he's friendly."
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and atthe loaves of bread behind the counter.Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin breadlocated on the very top shelf.The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin breadlocated on the very top shelf.The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
A black guy, a white guy and an Oriental guy all die and go to hell.
Satan meets them at the door.
Satan asks the black guy, "You got a problem digging a hole?"
Black guy replies, "I don't guess so."
Satan says, "Grab that shovel and get to digging."
Then, Satan says to the white guy, "You have any problem digging a hole?"
White guy says, "Nope"
Satan points to a shovel and says, "Get to digging."
Satan tells the Oriental guy, "You're in charge of supplies." and walks away.
After some time has passed, Satan returns to find the black guy and white guy digging their holes. He asks them where the Oriental guy is. They look at him and tell him the Oriental guy walked off as soon a Satan left.
So, Satan goes looking all over hell's half acre and can't find the Oriental guy anywhere. He's about to give up looking when the Oriental guy jumps out from behind a rock with his hands up and a wild look in his eyes and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
*if this one is offensive, I apologize and will take it down. It's still funny tho!
Satan meets them at the door.
Satan asks the black guy, "You got a problem digging a hole?"
Black guy replies, "I don't guess so."
Satan says, "Grab that shovel and get to digging."
Then, Satan says to the white guy, "You have any problem digging a hole?"
White guy says, "Nope"
Satan points to a shovel and says, "Get to digging."
Satan tells the Oriental guy, "You're in charge of supplies." and walks away.
After some time has passed, Satan returns to find the black guy and white guy digging their holes. He asks them where the Oriental guy is. They look at him and tell him the Oriental guy walked off as soon a Satan left.
So, Satan goes looking all over hell's half acre and can't find the Oriental guy anywhere. He's about to give up looking when the Oriental guy jumps out from behind a rock with his hands up and a wild look in his eyes and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
*if this one is offensive, I apologize and will take it down. It's still funny tho!
Two sausages are laying in a pan.
One sausage rolls over and says, "man it's getting hot in here".
The other sausage screams "aahhh, a talking sausage!"
One sausage rolls over and says, "man it's getting hot in here".
The other sausage screams "aahhh, a talking sausage!"
Always great when you receive a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE!
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
Halfway through your fish-burger you just might realize, "OMG.....I could be eating a slow learner."
Halfway through your fish-burger you just might realize, "OMG.....I could be eating a slow learner."
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Myp*nis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
The Cat and The Husband
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by
driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived
home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out
and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him
home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the
bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a
safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little knucklehead on the phone - I'm lost
and need directions."
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by
driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived
home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out
and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him
home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the
bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a
safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little knucklehead on the phone - I'm lost
and need directions."
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