Best joke wins a ZMAX 510 battery mod!

[spacekitty]

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.

His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.

"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."

"That's from your grandma," said Josh.

 

[Dmax06]

So I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I normally wouldn't but i got a really good deal. The only problem is I'm not sure what he laced them with but I have been trippin all day.

 

[GreenLeaf]

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

[GreenLeaf]

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him and says, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to Heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found your replacement."

 

[jj2]

You ever notice that dust Bunnies are in serious need of birth control.

 

[GreenLeaf]

What's Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1

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What's the definition of bravery?

A man with ........ chancing a fart!

 

[kritter]

Climb the walls
"oh, i sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
the grandmother was curious. "what trick is that?" she asked.
"i heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit," the little boy answered.

 

[Vermiform]

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks,

"So where y'all from?"

The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied,

"I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again
turns to the Yankee and asks,

"So, where y'all from, .........b**ch?"

 

[midficollege]

There's a jazz standard called "All of Me" by Marks & Simons from 1931 that features the lyrics:
All of me
Why not take all of me
Can't you see
I'm nothing without you.

I've always wanted to compose a response titled "My car's got a small trunk".

 

[kritter]

An old man goes ta tha drugstore ta get a bottle of ...... cut in quarters by tha pharmacist. Tha pharmacist tells him, these won't give an erection cut up like this. Tha old man says, I'm 96 years old, I don't want that ,I just want it ta stick out fer enuff so's not ta pee on mah slippers!

 

[Vermiform]

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and he sees this Indian sitting on the side of the road with his dog, horse, and a goat.
The cowboy walks up to the Indian and says, "Hey, that's a cool dog. Mind if I speak to him."
The Indian looks up at the cowboy and says, "Dog...no...talk."
But the cowboy turns to the dog anyway and he says, "Hey dog. How's it going?"
The dog answers (via the cowboys ventriloquism), "Doin' all right. Thanks for asking."
"Is this your owner?", the cowboy asks.
"Yep."
"Well, how's he treating you?"
The dog answers, "Real good. He walks me, he feeds me great food, he takes me to the lake to play."
The Indian is amazed at this point, and then the cowboy asks if he can talk to his horse.
Again the Indian says, "horse...no...talk."
But the cowboy turns to the horse and says, "Hey horse. How's it going?"
The horse replies, "I 'm doing good."
"Is this your owner?", says the cowboy.
"Sure is," answers the horse.
"Well how's he treating you?"
"Pretty good. Thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, he brushes me down, and keeps me in a nice warm barn with all the hay and straw I'd ever want."
The Indian is totally amazed, so when the cowboy turns to the sheep, the Indian is clearly worried.
The cowboy asks, "Mind if I talk to your goat?"



To which the Indian answers, "GOAT LIE!"

 

[kathi17]

 

[kathi17]

 

[spacekitty]

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, “I wish that was Sharon Stone.”

George echoed, “I wish it was Demi Moore.”

Little Johnny sighed, “I wish it was dark . . . “

 

[spacekitty]

Why do Scottsmen wear kilts??

Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away...

 

[Midniteoyl]

Three men were exchanging stories about their first night being married...

The first man says: "I remember how the first night of my marriage went wrong. After the wedding, I went to bed where my wife was waiting for me. I had had a little too much to drink and was kind of fuzzy. so after sex, out of habit, I handed her 50$. That's when she slapped me and called me a ..... monger."

"The same happened to me" said the other guy. "I had also drank more than I could handle, but I did what I had to do. After I had sex with her, I handed her 60$, she slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week"

"My situation was even worse" said the third guy.

"Why? How did she react?"

"I had downed more bottles than usual to celebrate my wedding and couldn't think straight. So after we had sex, I gave her a 100$ bill."

"She slapped you too?"

"No. She gave me 30$ in change."

 

[Midniteoyl]

What happens when you get a Gigabyte?

















It Megahertz!!

 

[Midniteoyl]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

[GreenLeaf]

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

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Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

A: Wet noses.

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Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good to a man?

A: Put a nipple on it.

 

[GreenLeaf]

Whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, an old pirate captain would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of his crew members asked him what it meant.

The pirate captain replied, "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

He told the crew member, "Get my brown pants."