I have to talk. I've been treated for depression for 30 years. Ten years ago I had a meltdown at work, went home and called my psychiatrist and her office manager said come, now! I saw my doc and she wrote a note to work that I needed 2-4 months off. She told me to go home, rest, and get 15 minutes of sunlight a day.
Two days later I opened my door to go outside and saw opportunities to fix this rental property weedy, ten year neglected yard. I didn't know it but I was full blown manic For 30 days I felt better than a mountain of ....... could never touch. I would have worked an 18 year old athlete till they gave up. I spent money like a kid in a candy store. I hauled huge limestone rock from a creek out back for landscaping. I know nothing about carpentry but built a small porch. I talked fast when asking two neighbors if I could detail their cars. I told one, half my age, that she had a great .... This is why mania can get you in trouble.
My neighbor, leaning on a shovel in his worse off yard said he saw me and it inspired him. He said he had to go do some stuff and would be back around 4, it was 10 a.m. I said hey man I love this weedeater can I work on your yard? Well, OK. When he got home his yard looked like a putting green at Pebble Beach. We became friends. Until his girlfriend told me I didn't know that he was the best guitar slinger in Austin(I'm a drummer).
For 30 days I was one of those people we meet in life that have this special spark that attracts curiosity and admiration. I was hitting on all cylinders and then some.
What goes up must come down. A thirty day bottomless pit of despair followed. If I only had a stale small package of crackers to eat I might survive two days on them because I hadn't taken a shower in three weeks and getting to a store was impossible. So, I was on first name basis with pizza delivery people.
95% of people with bipolar deal with depression 95% of the time and the rest, mania. Some suffer almost exclusively mania. Mania progresses, my fun mania left untreated could morph into psychotic mania. One out of 5 people who are bipolar commit suicide. It's the worst mental illness in this regard. Some people say one in four.
My brother and I were close, he died of lung cancer a year and a half ago. I know the process. Two months later I was part of a layoff at a job I had been at for ten years, seven to go to retire. It was too much because stress is my worst enemy. I haven't worked or looked for work, it's too much. At the urging of my doc, therapist, and several close friends with mental illness, I filed for disability. In my wildest dreams I never thought I would do. If this process drags out too long I'll be homeless.
I didn't ask for this disorder and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I like adding things up so in the last 30 years I think I've taken 80 medications adding up to 30,000 pills. I don't totally rely on big pharma but they own me anyway.
In the midst of this madness sometimes sleeping 16 hours a day I quit smoking with an e cig. I feel hope. I did good. My best friend of thirty years, when he hears me moaning about life always tries to put a fresh coat of paint on the sh$thouse. We were talking on the phone and I said, R, I can't do this. He encouraged me. I said no listen ....... it, I can't do this! His voice changed. He said Phil, after seeing what you've been through the last three and a half years, I don't think I would have made it.
If you have a friend or loved one with mental illness, learn all you can. Support them unconditionally. Realize that they aren't crazy, lazy, shouldn't take those pills or it's all in their mind. If they would just ___________ they wouldn't have those problems. If they improve gently nudge them to maybe go outside, take a walk, see a friend. If they are ready they will.
If I lose an arm in an accident people come running to help. If I have heart surgery visitors come to see me. When I was in a locked psych ward for an attempted suicide, nobody called, nobody has ever asked, what was it like. What do we hear? Your psychiatrist is just taking your money, get off those pills, you don't seem bipolar to me. You just need to ____________. Works for me every time.
I'm not a bipolar person, I'm a person who happens to have bipolar disorder. We are good at hiding our illness. If I met you on the street today you wouldn't have a clue.
I have a blog and could write this there but my job in life is to tell this story so people that don't know may get a better idea from my story. I am so proud of quitting smoking but it pales in comparison to getting slammed hundreds of times over the years and somehow managing another day of dreaming of being 28 again, before this journey began.
If you've read this highly personal novel, thanks. Almost everyone knows someone that's bipolar. If you weren't sure exactly what that was, I hope this helps. Now I must clean my vivi nova.
I do have lots of legitimately crazy relatives there it's for sure...
