Depression

[jj2]

I'm starting this thread because some members have stated they suffer from depression.
I, myself, deal with it daily, but I do not suffer from it, my husband does.

I'm here to listen or provide a shoulder to unload on but my opinion will be from a loved ones point of view.

I will suggest that any in-depth discussion be taken to the Private Room.
You must PM me for the password and remember that even though the post is not visible to the membership, the title is.
I should also add that ECF administration CAN read the post.

 

[AngusATAT]

I should also add that ECF administration CAN read the post.

Yes we can... and some of us are a little Wrecked and Bonkers, too.

I'm a disabled vet. There hasn't been a day in the last 20 years where my leg hasn't hurt every minute of every day. I had to stop taking painkillers for it because I had such a high tolerance for them I ended up taking about 5 times the recommended dose. I also was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance which causes depression back when I was a teenager.

I had such a problem with the prescriptions for depression that I had to stop taking them. I'd rather feel depressed than numb, walking around like a zombie. I had to train myself to recognize the signs of depression, then convince my brain that what I was feeling was just a lie, and that I had nothing to be depressed about (which is true.. despite everything, I love my life and have no regrets). Once my brain gets the message that I am going to ignore it, the depression goes away.

I wish that solution could work for everyone, but I know I'm not very normal where handling depression is concerned.

 

[jj2]

Okay, if Angus can come clean, I guess I can too.
Hubby was in the service when a helicopter blade fell on him. Miraculously he came out with no visible injuries. But from that point, he's had back pain from the neck on down but nothing disabling at the time. People that were nearby thought it was a miracle he lived. Being young and macho, he didn't report the incident so there is nothing on paper so that means fighting the VA every step of the way.
1990 things changed big time and wear and tear finally caught up to him. He's had one surgery on the neck that helped for a while. If you are not aware of this, there is a lot of nerves running through your spine. Since his problem is in the neck, his head is like this weight pressing down on many many many nerves. Every minute of every day, he is in pain---even though he's on enough pain meds to put a horse down. Sleep gives him his only relief. Eventually he will need surgery again and the outcome will be he will no longer be able to move his neck at all or he could be paralyzed.
Living with the pain has caused depression. It was so bad a few years ago, he contemplated suicide.
Hubby loves his guns. More for shooting at targets than for hunting but shooting them causes so much pain he can't do it anymore. Still, more for protection than anything, he still has several. I had to clear them out of the house. I had to watch him like a hawk pretty much 24/7 until, with the help of doctors, friends, and the preacher's from two churches, and finding God again, he came out of it.
Since then I've walked the line of being patient, letting him vent, and being brutally blunt and saying, "Whoa you're tripping out on me again," or, "Take a step back because you're obsessing."
I can't count the times that I've wanted to find a corner and just scream. The worst part is when I feel this way, I can't let it show--at least to the depth of how much I really need to let it all out. For me, I've become the person to lean on without being about to lean on him. I pretty much lost that 20 years ago.

 

[gramakittycat]

Hello you are not alone.I just took my meds for the night,and try again for just one night of restful,undisturbed sleep but I won't be successful.If its not the nightmares it will be the pain that awakens me.I may not even be able to sleep.Morning will come but the day will be the same as yesterday.I will share more as time goes by because I must to survive and cope with existing thru each day.At least here now I know I'm not alone ,God Bless Gkk/Sue

 

[DemonCowboy]

some of the recent is in the private area but:

like angus as a teenager i was diagnosed w/ a chemical imbalance causing depression. plus they had me in "special education" because of behavioral problems. neither of which did anything for me except perhaps cheat me out of things i could use today. for example i was able to work the system (because i am mildly intelligent) to the point i pretty much did whatever i want and shorted myself on some education (who knew social studies would b so important?) and the meds did absolutely nothing, they upped my doses a couple times but it seems i got worse every month. it took a car wreck (as that steering wheel comes close your life REALLY does flash before u'r eyes) to make me realize that the way i perceived certain things could sometimes be a bit skewed.

skipping a bunch of details i learned that while i couldn't control my perceptions or my thoughts i COULD control my behavior and let ppl see and perceive me how i wanted them to see me. that and i became adept at avoiding situations and ppl i didn't want to deal w/. that and smoking and drinking helped relieve stress (smoking in most situations (3 cigs in 15 min sometimes) and alcohol every day off after i didn't need to go anywhere anymore. well for awhile i was able to isolate myself and that worked for about 10 yrs. then after getting screwed out of about $1000 from an employer i was stupid enough to float for, it became infeasible to remain where I was. so i ventured out and things got a lot more interesting and a lot worse (had some high points but was a general decline) all the way to what's written in the private area. which as soon as something is concrete in my current situation i'll have to update.

 

[firefox335]

Seems that quite a few people here have led perfectly happy lives before an accident brought on depression. I never had an accident. My depression is brought on and fueled by an intense feeling of worthlessness. I have lived and dealt with it for decades. It has gotten worse in recent years. I stay up all night long because I know that as soon as I go to sleep, I will have to get up in the morning (late afternoon actually). It's a effort to get out of bed. I tend to sabotage any attempt that I make to try to improve my personal situation. It's really difficult for me to deal with problems so I simply avoid them. The problem is that I seem to avoid them until they are in crisis mode. I came to terms with the fact that I will probably never be a "happy person." Right now, I'd just settle for feeling normal. I have never been on medication and doubt that I ever will be. My goal now is to return to school. Although my last stint at school earned me a completely useless Associate's Degree, it wiped my depression out completely. Of course I was stressed to the hilt, but I never felt depressed until after I graduated.

I am currently enrolled and start classes in about a month. Then my program will take 6 quarters. I'm having trouble just finding the motivation to check the college website for updates on my status. I also suffer from anxiety. It's a really fun mix.

 

[Saintscruiser]

I had to quit work in 1999 and apply for disability. Since mine are nothing notable by sight, people would always say, "But you look just fine!" Trying to work in pain just wasn't cutting it. I was finally approved in Dec 2000, but had to get an attorney and have an administrative law judge hearing. (I've had to make so many concessions in my life because of these health problems that I felt that no one was going to take my cigarettes!)

I'm on all kinds of medication, which I hate, however I am very thankful to God that medication can help, even though it cannot cure me. I'm really tired of hearing, "You'll just have to live with it." But, I have a strong faith in God because of these ailments. It's not that I didn't before, but when there is nothing you nor your doctors can do, I have found my faith growing. I am on an antidepressant daily, but some days you just want to curl up in a ball and tell the world to take a hike. When you can't be a productive citizen of your town/city, you feel worthless. That's where my craft hobbies come in. I love doing them and selling them, and they gave me back my self-esteem, but my husband went into business a year ago and I do all of the paperwork for him. The office is in our living room and and can pick and choose my own hours and work in my nightgown, which I do a great deal. It eats my crafting time up, and I hate that. I'm just complaining. I've got to go to the dentist in a few minutes. Thanks for listening.

 

[SaigesPoppa]

I had to quit work in 1999 and apply for disability. Since mine are nothing notable by sight, people would always say, "But you look just fine!" Trying to work in pain just wasn't cutting it. I was finally approved in Dec 2000, but had to get an attorney and have an administrative law judge hearing. (I've had to make so many concessions in my life because of these health problems that I felt that no one was going to take my cigarettes!)

Same thing with me I had to wait almost 2 years to be aproved and thats after I got a attorney!plus I also have major back problems so I'm on 3 meds for the depression and 5 other meds for my back and blood pressure the only bright things in my life are my grandchildren and wife and now vaping.

 

[jj2]

Well it's been said that talking is good for the soul. Let's see if it's good for depression. If nothing else, it'll keep everyone interacting.
Please answer and explain. If you prefer to answer in the Private Room, feel free to do so, but let us know that you did.

There times that I feel miserable and sad?
1. No, not at all.
2. No, not much.
3. Yes, sometimes.
4. Yes, definitely

 

[jj2]

RW (hubby) is on disability. We live in a small town and have one lawyer. He told us we'd be rejected automatically our first and second try so just to apply by ourselves. On the third try, he said to come to him. It was then that we had to go to court, and as our lawyer said, it was approved.

 

[Saintscruiser]

JJ, I was pretty much told in a round about way by Social Security, that I would be denied twice. Fibro and interstitial cystitis aren't in the criteria for them to approve right off the bat. The stack of paperwork was difficult enough the first time, then I had to fill out the same stack the second time. (Of course I made myself a copy each time.) When my attorney did the paperwork the 3rd time, it took almost a year to get me on the docket, then 2 months after that for the official decision.

One of my problems is that when I get stressed out, I don't do anything. I have a great deal of responsibility on me and I do get overwhelmed. I eventually get things done, but not as timely as I would like. It wasn't so bad until we went into business. There's just not enough of me to go around, because most of the time I feel so bad. I try to do a schedule, but I wind up canceling doctor appts. at least once as I'm on medication or down with pain. One day, life will be simple again!

 

[Kizmara]

Okay, if Angus can come clean, I guess I can too.
Hubby was in the service when a helicopter blade fell on him. Miraculously he came out with no visible injuries. But from that point, he's had back pain from the neck on down but nothing disabling at the time. People that were nearby thought it was a miracle he lived. Being young and macho, he didn't report the incident so there is nothing on paper so that means fighting the VA every step of the way.
1990 things changed big time and wear and tear finally caught up to him. He's had one surgery on the neck that helped for a while. If you are not aware of this, there is a lot of nerves running through your spine. Since his problem is in the neck, his head is like this weight pressing down on many many many nerves. Every minute of every day, he is in pain---even though he's on enough pain meds to put a horse down. Sleep gives him his only relief. Eventually he will need surgery again and the outcome will be he will no longer be able to move his neck at all or he could be paralyzed.
Living with the pain has caused depression. It was so bad a few years ago, he contemplated suicide.
Hubby loves his guns. More for shooting at targets than for hunting but shooting them causes so much pain he can't do it anymore. Still, more for protection than anything, he still has several. I had to clear them out of the house. I had to watch him like a hawk pretty much 24/7 until, with the help of doctors, friends, and the preacher's from two churches, and finding God again, he came out of it.
Since then I've walked the line of being patient, letting him vent, and being brutally blunt and saying, "Whoa you're tripping out on me again," or, "Take a step back because you're obsessing."
I can't count the times that I've wanted to find a corner and just scream. The worst part is when I feel this way, I can't let it show--at least to the depth of how much I really need to let it all out. For me, I've become the person to lean on without being about to lean on him. I pretty much lost that 20 years ago.

I have complete symphony for the loved ones of depressed individuals. I know the burden that our condition can have on those around us.
We see it, we don't want it to be that way, and yet at the same time completely helpless to stop it.

Feeling this way is not something we would normally choose. No one chooses to put that kind of pressure or distance between a loved one.

Just remember that all is appericated and you're loved more than you know.

 

[Kizmara]

It seems that alot of peoples depression is brought on by pain. I can understand that. I had a migraine that lasted 3 months before it was resolved and depression was not the only thing I had to worry about.

I suffer from major depression before meds I suffered for sometimes months at a time. My depression does not make me sad. It makes me not care, about anything. I want to be left alone and human contact is a struggle. The people who love me need my interaction, yet I'm unable to give it.

I now take meds and see my Dr's and I've not have a serious bout for sometime. Its like a cloud that looms on the horizon... always there and hoping its not coming your way.

 

[Nighthawk]

Hi, just joined and my intro is on here. I have suffered from depression my entire life. I can remember being 5 years old and seriously depressed. Yes, I have a chemical imbalance. I have many of the same symptoms as others here have written. I turn into a rabbitt. I just freeze and hope all the bad goes away. According to my kids, I am also super irritable. I take my meds and can deal with most of it. I also have constant anxiety, but with meditation and other spiritual work, have that mostly under control. I do hold the title of the "Empress of Insomnia". Mostly related to the depression. I am out of work, no insurance and need to go back to the dr to get meds upped. In the mean time, I manage. mostly.

 

[jj2]

Feeling this way is not something we would normally choose. No one chooses to put that kind of pressure or distance between a loved one.

Just remember that all is appericated and you're loved more than you know.

I'm fully aware that his behavior is not intentional and that all he is doing is doing all he can JUST to get through one minute at a time.
I've also had moments of my life where I had sever pain so I know what he is going through. I find it amazing he has dealt with it for so long and not gone crazy.

The above reason is why feel guilty about some of the feelings I have---but I'll get into that some other time.


Nighthawk. I read you're intro. I must say you've had more than your share dumped into your lap.
I hope you feel at home here.

 

[jiveman]

Its like a cloud that looms on the horizon... always there and hoping its not coming your way.

I have bipolar depression and this is so true, i def agree.
it's always looming somewhere, but it's just a matter of whether or not it's going to come my way, full force, on any particular day.

i was on an obscene amount of meds for a while, but i didn't want to be a zombie any longer so i just try to deal with it on my own. sometimes self medicating, but i make it work.

i'm bipolar I, and mostly in a mixed state, so i'm agitated, depressed, but on the move most days. can't sit still. so i guess that's a blessing because i can still function, though i usually feel very uncomfortable and sort of "on the edge" haha

the mania is worse for me, that hits me pretty often, but i've managed to keep from hospitalization for 2 years. sometimes i get close, but i'm getting pretty good at recognizing when i'm manic and sort of just ride it out and remind myself every second that what i'm thinking, i shouldn't act on.

Luckily I made a set of "rules" to live by when i was in a normal state of mind, so i keep this list of things I "don't want to do" in my head constantly. when i'm manic, i just go through the list, and though my mind tells me i want to or "need" to do some drastic or compulsive thing, i make it a point to follow these rules i set, "no matter what". like many say, you can't control your thoughts sometimes, but you can control your behavior.

Best of luck to all, and i'm glad to be here.

 

[gramakittycat]

I just posted a blog entry that may read crazy but I cant quite put words that will tell of what has happened to me since the 13th when I reached the lowest point I've ever been in my life.I have no other explaination for what all has occurred since that day,but I can only call it a miracle.I feel so normal more than I have in years,literaly.I felt lead to share so perhaps one of you will gain some hope for your life.I wish I could reach out and give each of you a hug because so many times I needed one but no one was there.God bless us all,Gramakittycat

 

[jj2]

Grammy. As I mentioned, RW had thoughts of suicide for many months and I think the biggest thing that turned him around was God.
God is also a big part of what gets him through each day.

I hope things turn around.
I hope you don't get upset about me asking, are you behind a lot on your rent? If you attend a church, let the pastor know, the congregation might be able to help.
I'd be willing to send some but believe it couldn't be much. Maybe some of the others would be happy to pitch in too.

God Bless

 

[gramakittycat]

Thank you for your reply,this is another example .My landlord came yesterday and we talked so he will be willing to wait until my disability check for Sept. comes .Since Sept. rent isnt due until the 15th it gives me time to get some items sold here and on Ebay.I used to collect vintage fountain pens so I have quite a few to sell.I havent been able to leave my house but for rare times for appts and such and I can walk the block and a half to a little market.I'mpraying about a church home and welcome prayers that one is shown me.Things change so fast it seems and if I try to think of everything it becomes so overwhelming that I just freeze;thats why it is/was hard for me to get even simple everyday tasks done.Now that this past few days my realisation that God has touched my life has bloomed after years of depression ,I'm still can hardly believe it.I'llclose for now ,need to get the day started praise God!Thank you so much for sharing by opening this thread it gave me the opening I was needing.Have a blessed day my friend and to any one who reads this I'll be praying for you all also.Gkk/Sue

 

[SaigesPoppa]

There times that I feel miserable and sad?



4. Yes, definitely

Most of tha time