Okay, if Angus can come clean, I guess I can too.
Hubby was in the service when a helicopter blade fell on him. Miraculously he came out with no visible injuries. But from that point, he's had back pain from the neck on down but nothing disabling at the time. People that were nearby thought it was a miracle he lived. Being young and macho, he didn't report the incident so there is nothing on paper so that means fighting the VA every step of the way.
1990 things changed big time and wear and tear finally caught up to him. He's had one surgery on the neck that helped for a while. If you are not aware of this, there is a lot of nerves running
through your spine. Since his problem is in the neck, his head is like this weight pressing down on many many many nerves. Every minute of every day, he is in pain---even though he's on enough pain meds to put a horse down. Sleep gives him his only relief. Eventually he will need surgery again and the outcome will be he will no longer be able to move his neck at all or he could be paralyzed.
Living with the pain has caused depression. It was so bad a few years ago, he contemplated suicide.
Hubby loves his guns. More for shooting at targets than for hunting but shooting them causes so much pain he can't do it anymore. Still, more for protection than anything, he still has several. I had to clear them out of the house. I had to watch him like a hawk pretty much 24/7 until, with the help of doctors, friends, and the preacher's from two churches, and finding God again, he came out of it.
Since then I've walked the line of being patient, letting him vent, and being brutally blunt and saying, "Whoa you're tripping out on me again," or, "Take a step back because you're obsessing."
I can't count the times that I've wanted to find a corner and just scream. The worst part is when I feel this way, I can't let it show--at least to the depth of how much I really need to let it all out. For me, I've become the person to lean on without being about to lean on him. I pretty much lost that 20 years ago.