Emerald City Comedy Central

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

Don't worry about it... You can have the rest of them.. I'll look for something new and different. It's all yours!!!

That's just it...we've pretty much run this well dry....

Try this one:

MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE ​

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
Thank you, Bank Management

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[Di]

That's just it...we've pretty much run this well dry....

Try this one:

MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE ​

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
Thank you, Bank Management

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

 

[BiteMe]

Hmmmmm wonder why I didn't see that before?

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

This is what real men do with GI Joes.

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

Dating – before marriage:


John: Ah, at last! I can hardly wait!
Jane: Do you want me to leave?
John: NO! Don’t even think about it!
Jane: Do you love me?
John: Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane: Have you ever cheated on me?
John: NO! Why are you even asking???
Jane: Will you kiss me?
John: Every chance I get!
Jane: Will you hit me?
John: Hell no! Are you crazy?
Jane: Can I trust you?
John: Yes
Jane: DARLING!


Married – 20 years later:

Read the list from bottom to top.

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

Working people frequently ask older, retired folks what they do to make their days interesting.

Here's a story I heard from the sweetest little old man just the other day.....



The other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break, huh?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Dumb A**." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So, Mary called him a "Sh*t-head." He finished the second ticket, and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then, our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day, now that we're retired.

 

[BiteMe]

Working people frequently ask older, retired folks what they do to make their days interesting.

Here's a story I heard from the sweetest little old man just the other day.....



The other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break, huh?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Dumb A**." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So, Mary called him a "Sh*t-head." He finished the second ticket, and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then, our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day, now that we're retired.

I can actually picture ME doing this once I retire and can't drive anymore!!! tee-hee!!!

 

[wv2win]

I'll add one:

Guts or Balls.

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ... and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.




Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

I can actually picture ME doing this once I retire and can't drive anymore!!! tee-hee!!!

Bite, I can picture you doing that NOW - just for the pure entertainment factors involved....

Ya know, park a couple of blocks up the street or around the corner, then sit in wait for a traffic ticket writing officer.... Oh, yea, I can see you doing this - BIG TIME!

Lemme know how it turns out - hehehe

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

I'll add one:

Guts or Balls.

<snip>

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

I GOTTA remember this one! ROTFLMAO!!!!!

 

[wv2win]

I GOTTA remember this one! ROTFLMAO!!!!!

Glad you liked it Vicks. It is definitely one of my "keepers".

 

[The Wiz]

I'll add one:

Guts or Balls.

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ... and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.




Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Guts=Smack......Balls=Pack my Bags(and watch out for plates)at least in my case!!The Wiz!

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

3 ladies from Illinois are excited about seeing their first baseball game.
They smuggle in a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park.....

The game is very exciting, and they enjoy themselves immensley, mixing the Jack with their sodas....

Soon, they realize that the bottle is almost empty, and the game has lots of innings to go....

Based on the information given: What inning is it and how many players are on base?












Answer:

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.....

 

[BiteMe]

3 ladies from Illinois are excited about seeing their first baseball game.
They smuggle in a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park.....

The game is very exciting, and they enjoy themselves immensley, mixing the Jack with their sodas....

Soon, they realize that the bottle is almost empty, and the game has lots of innings to go....

Based on the information given: What inning is it and how many players are on base?












Answer:

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.....

Damn!!! I knew the answer to this one!!! I wanted to win something!!!

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

You won! A hardy belly laugh! congratulations!

psssst - chat room!

 

[BiteMe]

You won! A hardy belly laugh! congratulations!

psssst - chat room!

psssst....... sorry......missed you!!!

Got your e-mail....... I'm impressed!!! Good job kiddo!!!

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

psssst....... sorry......missed you!!!

Got your e-mail....... I'm impressed!!! Good job kiddo!!!

Yea, I know.... by a matter of minutes... <shrugs> weekends suck on the forums - everyone else has a life......

thanks on the news thing - I was so excited about it I just had to send it to everyone on my EM list....

 

[BiteMe]

Yea, I know.... by a matter of minutes... <shrugs> weekends suck on the forums - everyone else has a life......

thanks on the news thing - I was so excited about it I just had to send it to everyone on my EM list....

I just missed you AGAIN in the ..... (Dare I say it?)....chat room.....
this time by 11 seconds!!!! the time that it took me to type something and hit "send".

 

[walkman4169]

the little mexican boy next door went to his first ball game today when he came home i asked him how he liked it he said it was great everyone was so friendly......before the game even started evryone stood and asked jose can you see.......