Emerald City Comedy Central

[Di]

here you go biteme, ...
a couple of quickies for you

Why do women close their eyes during sex ---
They cant stand to see a man having a good time

 

[Di]

here you go biteme,
the lucky last ..........

Safe sex

Vicks was concerned with one of her young students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked,
"Little biteme, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love,"little biteme replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But biteme," Vicks said gently,
"don't you see how silly that is?
It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday.
But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," biteme said reassuringly,
"I'll use protection."

 

[laynies]

EuroEnglish Lessons

Hello there, I want to think or imagine or suppose that you might soon have to go for English lessons. Why? Well...

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt ENGLISH as the preferred language for European communications, rather than GERMAN, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!!!

Fun, isn't it?

 

[Di]

EuroEnglish Lessons

Hello there, I want to think or imagine or suppose that you might soon have to go for English lessons. Why? Well...

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt ENGLISH as the preferred language for European communications, rather than GERMAN, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!!!

Fun, isn't it?

starts in good english rather than german,
ends in pidgeon german rather than english,
if its true it is a real worry.......
very well done, very funny, well written .........

 

[BiteMe]

OK.... We may be kinda slow here in the Emerald City, but the jokes keep on flowing, (and so does the beer if you're lucky!!!)

A well dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "Are you nuts? That's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and tried again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price, at $100.00?
Again, the man replied bluntly - "You must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman reached into his briefcase and pulled out 2 brownies and began munching away on one of them.
He told the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
The guy unwrapped the brownie, took a bite; suddenly, spit it out. Then, said: "Hey, this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Now, do you want to buy some mouthwash?"

Tee-Hee!!!!

 

[Di]

OK.... We may be kinda slow here in the Emerald City, but the jokes keep on flowing, (and so does the beer if you're lucky!!!)

A well dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "Are you nuts? That's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and tried again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price, at $100.00?
Again, the man replied bluntly - "You must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman reached into his briefcase and pulled out 2 brownies and began munching away on one of them.
He told the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
The guy unwrapped the brownie, took a bite; suddenly, spit it out. Then, said: "Hey, this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Now, do you want to buy some mouthwash?"

Tee-Hee!!!!

oh, biteme, please pass the mouthwash.........

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

OK.... We may be kinda slow here in the Emerald City, but the jokes keep on flowing, (and so does the beer if you're lucky!!!)

A well dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "Are you nuts? That's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and tried again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price, at $100.00?
Again, the man replied bluntly - "You must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman reached into his briefcase and pulled out 2 brownies and began munching away on one of them.
He told the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
The guy unwrapped the brownie, took a bite; suddenly, spit it out. Then, said: "Hey, this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Now, do you want to buy some mouthwash?"

Tee-Hee!!!!

I feel an overwheming urge to brush my teeth!

 

[youfillintheblank]

Video of Lemmy from Motorhead telling a great joke

WARNING! contains the F and C words

YouTube - The Disease

 

[BiteMe]

Video of Lemmy from Motorhead telling a great joke

LOL... that'll teach him not to squash a little kids frog!!!!

 

[Di]

 

[BiteMe]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,

'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ..'

The bear, very angry now, says,

'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says,

'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states,

'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'

The bear looks at him quizzically and says,
'I'm not on drugs.'

(You're gonna love me for this...)


























The bartender says,
'You are now.
That was a bar.....youate

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

I've heard that one before, but it still cracks me up!

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..


The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.


She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.


The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.


The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.


Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'


'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'


The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you are mine.'


He lost 63 pounds that week.

 

[BiteMe]

Yup!!! That'll do it!!!!

I may need to loose some weight, but I'm not making that last call!!!

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

Yup!!! That'll do it!!!!

I may need to loose some weight, but I'm not making that last call!!!

Why? You don't like pink shoes?

 

[BiteMe]

Why? You don't like pink shoes?

On you , I'm sure they're fine......
On me however.........

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

On you , I'm sure they're fine......
On me however.........

I can visualize you in pink shoes JUST pink shoes

 

[BiteMe]

I can visualize you in pink shoes JUST pink shoes

Like you'd be looking at the shoes!!!

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

Like you'd be looking at the shoes!!!

Well....yea I might be tempted to let my eyes stray.... elsewhere.

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

Joke of the day:



How do you keep an idiot in suspense?




Tell ya tomorrow