felling im fighting a brick wall as my mother-in-law has been going on about be vaping i have showed her my pv and explained what it is how it work all about eliquid she keeps saying that must cost more ive showed her the prices all that then its that cant be good for you ive got al the info up for her but shes still going on im going to have to give up as what ever i do she does not wont to see what makes me mad is my hubby never stand up for me when she start she has a go about anythink she can she just dont like me but if anyone had a dig at him i would be there in his defense its been hard for me giving up analogs but ive don it and her beening a former smoker you think she would understand its been going on so many years that this is the one that made me go enough enough i cant take this any advice to make my hubby see he has to help me and stand by me i fell i have more sport here thank for reading
fighting a brick wall
- Thread starter rhoobarb
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If e-cigs work for you, tell her so. Unless she has to pay for your e-cigs, or has some other monetary power over you, tell her you are an adult and will do what you feel is best for you.
tell her she can believe what she likes but as long as it is working for you that is all that matters.
If money is the thing, put aside the money you would normally spend on regular cigarettes and then as your savings accumulate, you can show her how much you've improved your financial situation, not to mention your health.
the best way to deal with it is just smile and say "thank you for your opinion". If she keeps going on about it after that ask her if she's done any research on it. if she hasn't give her some links or even a printout of the new zealand study. If that doesn't help just smile and nod whenever she complains about it. Eventually she'll get tired of talking to a brick wall and drop the whole thing. (at least for a little while)
Or jsut agree with her and smile sweetly while you in fact ignore everything she just said.
What is she going to do? Send you to your room? ban you from seeing her (result!) ?
She can do NOTHING to affect your behaviour - she only has the power to annoy you if you let her. As for hubby - if he was going to stand up to her he would've done it years ago on his own behalf or for YOU when this first started (and I dont mean over ecigs, Im sure she's in your business as oftensas she can be, she's probably a lonely woman seeing her own mortality), so I wouldn't look for any help there tbh.
(Ah, Jon doe was faster than me! lol)
What is she going to do? Send you to your room? ban you from seeing her (result!) ?
She can do NOTHING to affect your behaviour - she only has the power to annoy you if you let her. As for hubby - if he was going to stand up to her he would've done it years ago on his own behalf or for YOU when this first started (and I dont mean over ecigs, Im sure she's in your business as oftensas she can be, she's probably a lonely woman seeing her own mortality), so I wouldn't look for any help there tbh.
(Ah, Jon doe was faster than me! lol)
If she is like that then she is going to find fault with everything you do regardless. If its not the ecigs you know it would be something else. You will drive yourself nuts if you are still holding out hope that if you can just do, or say, or be, this or that she will change.
She is never going to change or let up. When hubby is spending time with her, maybe you should use that as precious time to spend with like minded friends of your own.
She is never going to change or let up. When hubby is spending time with her, maybe you should use that as precious time to spend with like minded friends of your own.
People like that only have as much power over you as you give them.
So the question to ask yourself, is why give her that power? You may have reasons to do so that I cannot fathom and it is a very personal question.
I've said it before and it is still true... You can't teach a pig to sing. It annoys the pig and frustrates you. I leave the pigs alone and let them make whatever noises they want.
So the question to ask yourself, is why give her that power? You may have reasons to do so that I cannot fathom and it is a very personal question.
I've said it before and it is still true... You can't teach a pig to sing. It annoys the pig and frustrates you. I leave the pigs alone and let them make whatever noises they want.
People like her want to be right and as long as you engage in the conversation she will continue showing/telling you she is 'right'. IMO, best thing to do is not engage with the devil, so to speak. About the same as others have said, I call it "let her be 'right' sooner (in her own mind, of course). She can't argue with you if you don't engage.
What would really help you is to persuade your husband to support you. It is difficult enough for you to deal with quitting and both of them need to be proud of you for making that decision. We are!!!!
He really needs to support you. When that happens you will get the respect you deserve for putting down the analogs.
He really needs to support you. When that happens you will get the respect you deserve for putting down the analogs.
Who needs 'em! Just stay here with us at ECF, we support you and you have to do what you know is right for you.
I absolutely agree with Skyler. Sometime when you have relaxed quiet time together, take him onto uTube and educate him. There are two excellent medical doctor reports for the e-cig. When you get to uTube, do a search for Dr. David Baron. Also do a search for Dr. Gary Weinstein. The first doctor is UCLA Chief of Staff -- which is really high up here in the USA. The other is a pulmonologist (lung specialist doctor) who even goes so far to say that nicotine is not really harmful for a person.
Afterwards, ask him if he can be a little more supportive of you with your mother-in-law. If he won't, ask him why not. The answer he gives you should tell you what you can look forward to for the rest of life with hubby and his mummykins. Food for thought. I really feel for you, dearheart, it must be hard on you.
I agree with pretty much everything people have said on this thread. What a great forum this truly is.
I think that in addition to the relationship problems you have, there may well be an ex-smoker problem. People who have quit smoking (and good for them!) can be very hard on those of us who cannot. It was probably extremely difficult for them to quit and as a result there's often a "If I can do it, anyone can" attitude. Their thinking doesn't allow for the variance among people and that some of us have actually become permanently addicted, unable to function reasonably without.
My suggestion is that you proceed in the following order. I should qualify this advice by admitting that I've had two failed marriages and am now married for a third time. Against that admission I want to add that this third marriage has been my longest (going on 20 years) and is a wonderful partnership. We are the best and closest of friends I can imagine.
#1. Get hubby on board. The crucial things for him to understand are that
a) You are rewired to need nicotine. It is not just a matter of willpower.
b) You are taking an enormous step here by switching to a source of nicotine which isn't very harmful to you and isn't at all harmful to others.
c) It still isn't an easy step and you want his support to help you succeed.
d) It also happens to be cheaper than smoking.
To get hubby on board find some posts on these forums which might be most helpful toward understanding all that and get him to read them. Reinforce that you are taking a hard step here and an enormously good one to deal with the problems of your smoking addiction. One thing which might be enormously helpful to convince both him and perhaps later on your mother in law at least of the reduced badness of this is the paper towel demo. Take a puff from a cigarette and blow out through a paper towel. Take a puff from your e-cig and blow out through another towel. Show the two paper towels. That's how much good you are doing with this great effort you're undertaking.
#2. If you can't get hubby's strong support, I'm afraid there is no #2, my suggestion ends here. I'm very sad for you if this happens. You may have to think about what this means in your life.
#3. Tell hubby that his mother is undermining this difficult good thing you are doing and he must address that. Point out her problem with thinking that because she did it she thinks it is the same for everyone and she isn't giving you credit for dealing with the problems you have vs. the problems she had.
Offer to help him in dealing with his mother if he thinks you can, e.g. showing forum posts, blowing through the towel demo, etc.
But keep it his problem. If he's on board that really is what this is. He supports you, his mother doesn't support you, you don't have an inseperable bond with her, he does. So he can tell her she's wrong or out of line, you can't.
If hubby can't deal with the problem after he's on board, again you have my sad sympathy. You'll have to think about what this means in your life.
I think that in addition to the relationship problems you have, there may well be an ex-smoker problem. People who have quit smoking (and good for them!) can be very hard on those of us who cannot. It was probably extremely difficult for them to quit and as a result there's often a "If I can do it, anyone can" attitude. Their thinking doesn't allow for the variance among people and that some of us have actually become permanently addicted, unable to function reasonably without.
My suggestion is that you proceed in the following order. I should qualify this advice by admitting that I've had two failed marriages and am now married for a third time. Against that admission I want to add that this third marriage has been my longest (going on 20 years) and is a wonderful partnership. We are the best and closest of friends I can imagine.
#1. Get hubby on board. The crucial things for him to understand are that
a) You are rewired to need nicotine. It is not just a matter of willpower.
b) You are taking an enormous step here by switching to a source of nicotine which isn't very harmful to you and isn't at all harmful to others.
c) It still isn't an easy step and you want his support to help you succeed.
d) It also happens to be cheaper than smoking.
To get hubby on board find some posts on these forums which might be most helpful toward understanding all that and get him to read them. Reinforce that you are taking a hard step here and an enormously good one to deal with the problems of your smoking addiction. One thing which might be enormously helpful to convince both him and perhaps later on your mother in law at least of the reduced badness of this is the paper towel demo. Take a puff from a cigarette and blow out through a paper towel. Take a puff from your e-cig and blow out through another towel. Show the two paper towels. That's how much good you are doing with this great effort you're undertaking.
#2. If you can't get hubby's strong support, I'm afraid there is no #2, my suggestion ends here. I'm very sad for you if this happens. You may have to think about what this means in your life.
#3. Tell hubby that his mother is undermining this difficult good thing you are doing and he must address that. Point out her problem with thinking that because she did it she thinks it is the same for everyone and she isn't giving you credit for dealing with the problems you have vs. the problems she had.
Offer to help him in dealing with his mother if he thinks you can, e.g. showing forum posts, blowing through the towel demo, etc.
But keep it his problem. If he's on board that really is what this is. He supports you, his mother doesn't support you, you don't have an inseperable bond with her, he does. So he can tell her she's wrong or out of line, you can't.
If hubby can't deal with the problem after he's on board, again you have my sad sympathy. You'll have to think about what this means in your life.
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So, but if he is a mommy boy then it will be hard to get him on board while mom is there. It does sound like the kind of woman that want to be right.
Look her in the eye next time, take a vape say OK then walk away. No need to do anything else it work for you, it have worked for a ton of people. I am sure she harped about the real cigs.
Ya might have to deal with her but do it on your terms. If a co worker said something I am hoping ya would give them info, but when ya find them to hard headed ya just let it go.
Can't please everyone.
And with people like that it isn't even worth it cause ya not going to win, even with the hand of god to smack the taste out her mouth.
Look her in the eye next time, take a vape say OK then walk away. No need to do anything else it work for you, it have worked for a ton of people. I am sure she harped about the real cigs.
Ya might have to deal with her but do it on your terms. If a co worker said something I am hoping ya would give them info, but when ya find them to hard headed ya just let it go.
Can't please everyone.
And with people like that it isn't even worth it cause ya not going to win, even with the hand of god to smack the taste out her mouth.
Sometimes people from the "old school" are suspicious of new technology because it's strange to them. In fact, it's a common thing for people to fear what they do not understand. For some people I have spoken to, the argument eventually boils down to this: OK, maybe vaping isn't the best thing. MAYBE it COULD do SOME harm but the alternative is smoking cigarettes and they would almost definitely KILL me! I can't see how anything could be worse than that. Maybe a more "black and white" approach like that would help her to see what vaping means to someone who is desperate to overcome a fatal habit.
Many good suggestions here, but keep remembering, first and foremost, YOU are doing this for YOU! This is YOUR health, YOUR life!
We are all here to support and encourage YOU! Please hang in there.
We are all here to support and encourage YOU! Please hang in there.
Rhoobarb, It's like this: dig in your heels, and respectfully assert your passive resistance. I'm from the "old school", technology kind of intrigues me. You have rights, stand on them! Go Girl! Hubby and Mommy will just have to put a gag on it. Carry a "Don't Tread on Me" flag, but no more pushing you around. It's demeaning and insulting, has to stop right now! It's ok to be told to stop picking your nose, but the list more or less ends right there. Marriage should be based on mutual respect, never on Bully Power.
Remember, it's not how much you're bullied, it's how you react to it. If they don't 'care' about your conviction, you should care less about them trying to control it. I'm sure you can think of an equally powerful 'control mechanism', if you try really hard!
Remember, it's not how much you're bullied, it's how you react to it. If they don't 'care' about your conviction, you should care less about them trying to control it. I'm sure you can think of an equally powerful 'control mechanism', if you try really hard!
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