Mind you, I have not had a single one, nor an unbeatable craving for one since I "quit" on March 4, 2012.....but, I was cleaning the spare bedroom a wee bit ago and found an almost full pack of my previous favorite - L&M Turkish blends just sitting there in the headboard of one of the twin beds that I was putting fresh sheets on. Why it was there is completely beyond me.
I sat there and held that pack in my hands for at least a half-hour before I went and deliberately got a lighter out of my vanity, carried one cigarette outside, sat on the front porch bench - lit up and smoked the stupid thing. It tasted terrible, made me dizzy, and I knew that I should put it out - but I smoked it all the way to the filter. The entire time, I was saying, "no, no, no", to myself - but it was almost like I could not help myself. I had to smoke that blasted cigarette. I had to!
Not an excuse, but - The last few weeks have been really hard on me emotionally, and physically. A week ago today, I got the news that my beloved Aunt Bonnie was very ill and in a hospital in Little Rock. That Thursday, she slipped into a permanent vegetative state and I had to make the decision of how to handle it... so I drove up to Little Rock on Friday and on Saturday, we took her off of the ventilator. Her poor body struggled for 15 long minutes before finally letting go. I held her hand the entire time and it was one of the most difficult things to witness that I have ever had to see. I did not smoke a single cigarette that weekend even though I was with a smoker, (my cousin), and we were both drinking, (and he, smoking in my presence), with dinner on Friday and Saturday nights.
I came back on Monday to find my Mother very ill, (part of it her grief over her sister being so ill, then dying, and her being unable to go to Little Rock to make the final good-bye as her health would not allow her to travel that far and part of it being due to digestive issues). So, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I had to take Mother to various doctor appointments and the hospital for multiple tests.....(we are still awaiting the results pf the tests). After I took her home on Thursday, I was walking across her front yard to cut a blooming branch off of her sweet olive tree for her, stepped into a hole, fell and twisted my already damaged back, (I was in a bad car wreck a year ago February and broke my back in several places). I then had to crawl across the yard to get to her porch railing so that I could grab onto it and use it to pull myself back into a standing position. I have been hurting terribly ever since.
And Friday, I found out that my unmarried, 19 year old granddaughter is 5 weeks pregnant by a boy that no one in the family approves of *sigh*
Now the cigarettes are in a baggie tucked away into the deep freeze and damned if I don;t want another one - badly. I don't know if I am telling y'all the above because I need commiseration, or condemnation - I just needed to tell someone because I feel very guilty right now.
~Tiger
I sat there and held that pack in my hands for at least a half-hour before I went and deliberately got a lighter out of my vanity, carried one cigarette outside, sat on the front porch bench - lit up and smoked the stupid thing. It tasted terrible, made me dizzy, and I knew that I should put it out - but I smoked it all the way to the filter. The entire time, I was saying, "no, no, no", to myself - but it was almost like I could not help myself. I had to smoke that blasted cigarette. I had to!
Not an excuse, but - The last few weeks have been really hard on me emotionally, and physically. A week ago today, I got the news that my beloved Aunt Bonnie was very ill and in a hospital in Little Rock. That Thursday, she slipped into a permanent vegetative state and I had to make the decision of how to handle it... so I drove up to Little Rock on Friday and on Saturday, we took her off of the ventilator. Her poor body struggled for 15 long minutes before finally letting go. I held her hand the entire time and it was one of the most difficult things to witness that I have ever had to see. I did not smoke a single cigarette that weekend even though I was with a smoker, (my cousin), and we were both drinking, (and he, smoking in my presence), with dinner on Friday and Saturday nights.
I came back on Monday to find my Mother very ill, (part of it her grief over her sister being so ill, then dying, and her being unable to go to Little Rock to make the final good-bye as her health would not allow her to travel that far and part of it being due to digestive issues). So, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I had to take Mother to various doctor appointments and the hospital for multiple tests.....(we are still awaiting the results pf the tests). After I took her home on Thursday, I was walking across her front yard to cut a blooming branch off of her sweet olive tree for her, stepped into a hole, fell and twisted my already damaged back, (I was in a bad car wreck a year ago February and broke my back in several places). I then had to crawl across the yard to get to her porch railing so that I could grab onto it and use it to pull myself back into a standing position. I have been hurting terribly ever since.
And Friday, I found out that my unmarried, 19 year old granddaughter is 5 weeks pregnant by a boy that no one in the family approves of *sigh*
Now the cigarettes are in a baggie tucked away into the deep freeze and damned if I don;t want another one - badly. I don't know if I am telling y'all the above because I need commiseration, or condemnation - I just needed to tell someone because I feel very guilty right now.
~Tiger
