After sending them a short video of the behavior, Jac has sent a replacement unit. Definitely great customer service on their end!
They originally were going to have me return the unit, until they remembered I was a US customer and told me to just dispose of it.
So, naturally, i opened it up.

Everything looked great internally, no wires amiss or obvious issues. I chopped off the 510 at the board and the condition persisted. Appears Jac was right and it is an actual board level/trace failure, which is semi-surprising.
I put in an email to Evolv to see if they are interested in me shipping them the chip for QC purposes, since it would only be a fews dollars and i'm willing to do it to benefit Evolv's QC.
Evolv has since issued me an RMA number and insinuated they will be returning something to me.
While that was NOT my goal with contacting Evolv, if they want to send me a new board, i'm not going to argue!
Two Jacs is better than one!