Last person to post in this thread Wins!!!

[bobsyeruncle]

Fighter Pilot Training
---------------------
Instructor: First cadet, you get an engine out light, what do you do?

Cadet 1: Hit the reset, and see what happens.

Instructor: Good. Second cadet, you've hit the reset button, what do you do?

Cadet 2: Hit the engine relight, and see what happens.

Instructor: Good. Third cadet, engine relight doesn't work, what do you do?

Cadet 3: Turn away from built up areas. Continue hitting the reset button until 1000 feet, then eject.

Instructor: Good. Fourth cadet, the eject doesn't work, what do you do?

Cadet 4: Undo harness; drop trousers; stick joystick up my .....

Instructor: What?! Why the hell would you do that?

Cadet 4: Lets face it, I'm a goner. I might as well give the board of inquiry something to think about.

 

[_more_]

hello darkness my old friend, i've come to talk with you again

 

[pwyll]

Because a vision softly creeping, Left its seeds while I was sleeping...

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Funny, Ripple was just mentioning an "Uncle Pervy" in another thread.

 

[jralabate]

Post

Sent from my NS4G powered by AOKP ICS

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Somebody should probably organize a team of all these eager beavers so everyone can get started Swiffering a different section of Lox's house.

 

[timothy]

Funny.....

 

[Prism]

His house has been swiftered enough by now. Its my turn to have the new ones. My windows need washing too.

 

[loxmythe]

Hey! I'm putting new windows in next week so send them here when they're done and don't Bogart all the windex

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying ....... told you I was speeding too.

 

[Genova]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying ....... told you I was speeding too.

Good idea. I'll have to try that one day. Knocking on wood though. I haven't ever gotten a speeding ticket. Been driving for 10 years now. Woot! I'm awesome!

 

[cruelasix]

i might be the last... at least for some time

 

[pwyll]

Resisting urge to reply....

resisting....



D'OH!

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Another faint hope .... crushed?

 

[pwyll]

If there's one thing I'm good at it's crushing hopes and destroying dreams.



And despair--sowing the seeds of soul-sucking despair...

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Sowing the seeds of soul-sucking despair... I like that!

A regular Johnny Crappleseed, you are.

 

[pwyll]

Sowing the seeds of soul-sucking despair... I like that!

That's because it's alliterative. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's alliteration. Alliteration and crushing dreams. Alliteration, crushing dreams and sowing despair.

And math.


If there's one thing I'm good at it's crushing dreams and sowing despair in an alliterative manner while working a calculator.





Okay, maybe not the math part...

A regular Johnny Crappleseed, you are.

No, I'm a special Johnny Crappleseed. I know because my mama told me that as I was growing up. She told me every day.

Every day she'd say, "Scott, you're a special kind of Johnny Crappleseed" as she'd lock the basement door behind her...

 

[bobsyeruncle]

Yeah, there's nothing like wearing the crash helmet that tells everyone you're special.

 

[pwyll]

We couldn't afford a crash helmet, but mama let me wear the good colander--you know, the one that didn't have a bunch of holes worn in it yet...

 

[Prism]

We couldn't afford a crash helmet, but mama let me wear the good colander--you know, the one that didn't have a bunch of holes worn in it yet...

You were so cute