Laughter is the best medicine

[MostlySunny]

The Importance of Listening Carefully:


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"



Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."



He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"



Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"



The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... a r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

 

[Bronze]

Hmm, I wonder if that would work for the rest of us?

 

[MostlySunny]

That had us all laughing at work today

 

[Robino1]

The Importance of Listening Carefully:


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"



Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."



He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"



Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"



The man pulls off his oxygen mask smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... a r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Bwahahahaha OMG that was funny!

 

[MostlySunny]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

[minimalsaint]

Not the best, but the "nacho cheese" joke is my son's favorite. ...

 

[Hulamoon]

Re-posting here.....

How to take a shower like a woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the
way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain
and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as
you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up anything
exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting
dressed.


How To Shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woowoo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see
if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror,
scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ..., leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee like a racehorse.
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "WoooWooooo" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

 

[Bronze]

Just think how much more fun life would be if women acted more like men.

 

[gthompson]

Just think how much more fun life would be if women acted more like men.

Bronze is brave like the guy in his avatar, just not as smart.

 

[Robino1]

You really want women to admire our penis size?

 

[Chimps McGhee]

This one is just for you, Slim

An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's ..... Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's .....

Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!" Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery." When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.

Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's .... and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of a$$holes sing that song!"

 

[Robino1]

...

 

[Richm]

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it
was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were
only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse
2) A death in the student's immediate family
A smart-... student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?"
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student
with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would
just have to learn how to write with your other hand."

 

[Robino1]

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it
was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were
only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse
2) A death in the student's immediate family
A smart-... student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?"
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student
with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would
just have to learn how to write with your other hand."

Hysterical!!!

 

[gthompson]

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” even when you don’t know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give DADDY a big hug!”

 

[Hulamoon]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

 

[wandawag]

yeah! i found this thread again....ya'll are too funny!

 

[EleanorR]

I forgot to mention this to everyone. The joke in the OP, about the brain transplant, Heather got it and laughed, Adam didn't get it and she had to explain it to him. Which I suppose proves the point of the joke.

 

[EleanorR]

Two Catholic missionaries are traveling across the African veldt, when suddenly a huge male lion (not named Edd) jumps out at them from behind a brushy tree. The missionaries run for their lives, but the lion keeps gaining on them. At the last second, they spot a tree and shimmy up it, remembering that lions (unlike other Big Cats) can't really climb trees THAT well.

The lion paces back and forth beneath the two trapped priests, roaring and shaking his magnificent mane. One of the priests cries out to God: "O Lord, Thou art creator and master of the whole universe. Grant, we beseech Thee, that this beautiful but fearsome creature of Thine be suddenly struck with Thine Holy Spirirt, and become a good Catholic!!!"

Suddenly all went quiet. Shocked and trembling to think that this prayer for a miracle might have been granted, the two missionaries looked down from their high branch, whereupon they saw the lion kneeling down in prayer, and softly saying:

"Bless me O Lord, and these Thy gifts, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty . . ."

 

[scarf-ace]

Why do Marxists only drink herbal tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.