Make us Laugh!!!
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, I made breakfast for you. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “What happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
Awwww now ain't that sweet!!
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “What happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
Awwww now ain't that sweet!!
Football finally makes sense. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like, Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents!"
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like, Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents!"
There was this little southern belle in Alabama. Now, I'm talkin' real southern belle....rich southern daddy and the whole nine yards, who's never been out of the state of Alabama in her whole life. She takes a trip to New York City, (oh boy), She comes back and is having tea with all her little southern belle friends and says: "Do ya' know that in NYC there are men who kiss men and they call them gay." And all her friends say " No way!!!" And she says: " Do ya' know that in NYC there are women who kiss women and they call them lesbians." And all her friends say "Get out!!!" And she says:" And did you know that in NYC there are actually men who will kiss a woman there?" And one of her friends pops up and says: " Well what do you call them?" And she says: " Well, after I caught my breath, I called him precious!!!"
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin and passed it over to me. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign and smiled, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign and smiled, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
Bubba is sitting in a tavern one Sunday afternoon nursing a beer when his friend Joe walks in.
When Bubba turns to greet Joe, Joe is amazed at Bubba's condition. Bubba has 2 black eyes
and a bloody tissue shoved up each nostril. "Daaang Bubba, did you get in a fight?", asked Joe.
"Nooo", says Bubba, "I went to church." "Church!", cries Joe,"what the heck happened?"
"Well", says Bubba, "we was all standin' and a singing hymns when I noticed that Mrs. Johnson's
dress was all kinda bunched up between her cheeks like. I didn't wanna embarrass her, so I just
kinda nonchalantly reached forward and pulled her dress down a little and she turns around
and whollaped me a good one right in the eye." "Man", says Joe,"what happened to your other eye?"
"Well", says Bubba, "I figured if she was that upset about me pulling her dress down like that,
I just reached forward and crammed that sucker back up there."
When Bubba turns to greet Joe, Joe is amazed at Bubba's condition. Bubba has 2 black eyes
and a bloody tissue shoved up each nostril. "Daaang Bubba, did you get in a fight?", asked Joe.
"Nooo", says Bubba, "I went to church." "Church!", cries Joe,"what the heck happened?"
"Well", says Bubba, "we was all standin' and a singing hymns when I noticed that Mrs. Johnson's
dress was all kinda bunched up between her cheeks like. I didn't wanna embarrass her, so I just
kinda nonchalantly reached forward and pulled her dress down a little and she turns around
and whollaped me a good one right in the eye." "Man", says Joe,"what happened to your other eye?"
"Well", says Bubba, "I figured if she was that upset about me pulling her dress down like that,
I just reached forward and crammed that sucker back up there."
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I'm tired of following my dreams, I'm just gonna ask where the're goin and catch up with them later.
Mitch Hedburng R.I.P
Guy: Hey Mitch you want a frozen banana?
Mitch: No, but I might want a regular banana later so... yeah.
Mitch Hedburng R.I.P
Guy: Hey Mitch you want a frozen banana?
Mitch: No, but I might want a regular banana later so... yeah.
A burglar is crawling in through a window in a darkened house one night when he hears a
voice say "Jesus is watching you". He shines his flashlight around but doesn't see anybody
in the room. He takes a couple more steps and again hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you".
He shines his light around again and sees a parrot sitting on a perch in the corner.
"Was that you talking?" he asks the parrot. The parrot nods his head.
"What kind of crackpots named a parrot Jesus?" says the burglar.
"My name is Moses" says the parrot, "they named the rottweiler Jesus".
voice say "Jesus is watching you". He shines his flashlight around but doesn't see anybody
in the room. He takes a couple more steps and again hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you".
He shines his light around again and sees a parrot sitting on a perch in the corner.
"Was that you talking?" he asks the parrot. The parrot nods his head.
"What kind of crackpots named a parrot Jesus?" says the burglar.
"My name is Moses" says the parrot, "they named the rottweiler Jesus".
An egg and a chicken were laying in a bed smoking a cig. The egg looked over at the chicken and said,"Well, I guess we answered that question, huh?".
Its funnier when the egg is smoking and the chicken is fuming.
A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."
Translation afar = a fire in southern.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."
Translation afar = a fire in southern.
The other night at supper my little one asked her dad "what animal do taters come from anyway?" We laughed so hard!
Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 pupil......
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!," but before she could say 'F#$k!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!," but before she could say 'F#$k!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
A man went over to his girl’s place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom — gold, silver, or bronze.
“Silver,” she said.
“Why not gold?”
“Because I want you to come second for once!”
“Silver,” she said.
“Why not gold?”
“Because I want you to come second for once!”
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
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