OT: Has anyone on here adopted a kid?

[tonyorion]

Our daughter is adopted, and she has turned out to be nothing but a source of joy and pride for me and sadly, my now deceased wife. We got our daughter at 24 days old and would have adopted more had not the civil war in Sir Lanka broken out.
There was never any question that she was not our natural child; my wife was a beautiful, blue eyed German and I, while somewhat a dark complexioned Italian, unquestionably Caucasian. (long story, but I was living and working in Germany when I met my wife and adopted our daughter).

When we once discussed the topic of seeing her natural mother, she said that we were her parents, were there for her, raised her, picked her up when she fell (literally and figuratively). We are her parents, and she knows no other.

Adopted children just do not "happen": they are a deliberate choice. I could not agree more with KrisBKream that it takes love, discipline, and tenacity to have a shot at being a good parent. All three require a ton of hard work. I would add a lot of patience. To this day, my daughter calls me a benevolent dictator; yet we are very close. We both just came back from Vegas and the Grand Canyon for a bit of sightseeing and some golf, food, and entertainment. It was a "family" trip that we had discussed when my wife was in the hospital a few weeks before she passed. She wanted to do the trip with at least one parent and as a memory to her mom. Although, she lives and works in another city about 70 miles away, we talk at least 3 x a week and see each other about once a month.

Our daughter is now 26 and drop dead gorgeous by anyone's standard. She is also very bright, receivrf her MBA last year and landed a great job commensurate with her skills in Michigan's terrible job market. She also had the perseverance to send out 958 letters and fight through 4 interviews to nail it down. Yet, she has the smile and personality to light up the darkest room (admittedly, more her mom's doing than mine. I am by nature grumpy).

The hard part about parenting starts after birth. My only tip to any parent: learn to set limits and boundaries in such as way as to not suffocate a child, but make sure that children understand when they are getting close to the edge and that there will be consequences for crossing the line. I see far too many parents yell at a child, and yell, and yell until they lose patience and whack them. Kids are not stupid; they learn soon enough how to extend the boundaries and manipulate adults. If the only consequence of bad behavior is being yelled at or getting smacked (fundamentally a really bad way to do things), then they will learn: that wasn't such a high price to pay for extending the borders.

Whether natural or adopted, the parent child bonding starts after birth, and when you have it, there is no greater satisfaction on the planet.

 

[KrisBKream]

^ I'd "like" this post if I could figure out how to do it on tapatalk

 

[EleanorR]

One last thing, KK: For your sake and for the sake of your child, please only consider adoption with your wife, not your girlfriend. It's true, stuff happens, and divorce is all too common (I'm divorced myself), but at least start your baby's life in the best possible circumstances: a stable, loving couple, a mother and father who are seriously and publicly committed to each other for the long haul.

Lecture over.

 

[krazie_Kid]

First I want to commend you on wanting to adopt. There are so many children out there that need loving homes. Just make sure it is the right decision for you and your girfriend. There are a lot of adopted kids out there who were raided by adoptive families and were loved just as much as if they were thie own. I have a few friends that were adopted and have nothing but good things to say about thier parents. i was adopted myself and I love my father very much although he has passed now. I wish i could say the same about my adoptive mom. I don't know what the problem was but for some reason she just couldn't love me the way she should have. Good luck in your endeavor and like I said give it a lot of thought and make sure it is the right time and also make sure that you can love your child like it was your own. If you have any doubts at all then I wouldn't.

After reading these stories, and showing her these stories, we are more open to adopt, and know that it does not matter where the child was, or who gave birth to the child, but we can love the child as our own.

I am sorry to hear about your father passing away, that is never something I would want to deal with, even though I know I will have to.

I was quite shocked your mother did not love you the way you should, from what I have seen from adopted families, it is usually the mother that loves the child and the father that is a bit upset that they could not be biological. (I grew up in an Italian family, so you know how deep blood runs with us)

if you wait until you're completely ready you never will both of my kids were "unexpected delights" (i.e. not planned lol) but even though we've had some tough times i can honestly say i wouldn't trade a thing. my nephew was adopted when he was like 2.5 years old. if you even hinted to anyone in my family that he wasn't really family...you'd get shot! (but of course i'm from the backwoods in 'Bama what else would you expect )

I really hope that is how we feel once we are not fully ready, but financially ready, and emotionally ready to have a child. Although mericle's do happen, with her health issue, I would rather adopt then have to choose between a baby and her, in a worse case situation.

I skipped a bunch of responses, sorry. I was adopted as was my sister. We were told before either of us remembers and it has been no issue at all. The only downside is not having a medical history at the doctors' offices, and that's beyond petty next to a loving family. My wife and I were in the process of researching adoption when she got pregnant to our mutual surprise and delight. I understand any hesitation you feel though. My wife had the same concerns while I kept saying "once you hold your child there is no doubt that it is YOUR child, no matter where he/she lived for 9 months."

See that is what I was thinking as well, "Once you hold the child it is no doubt it is your child" And since everyone's response here has helped me notice that, including your's, I think I can handle an adoption in the future. It will be well worth it in my eyes.

Love, discipline, and tenacity. For me, the urge to throw my hands up and say "whatever" and walk away is the biggest hurdle. My daughter is only 2 so I haven't seen the results of my theory, but my theory is this: As long as I never stop trying to do my best to shape my child into a healthy adult, and as long as I forgive myself for my mistakes and move on to the next one, I will always be able to say I was the best parent I could be

See, as much as my mother and I got into fights (Verbal and physical) I know she is the best parent she can be, and I love her for it. No one can ever replace her, and she is a great woman. So I would say you will be a great parent when it comes to your daughter, and forgiving yourself is important in being a person and a parent, and so is helping your child being a great adult.

My sister and I are both adopted from birth (different biological parents). We were both told from before we can remember that we were adopted and it was never been an issue. Adoption is a great choice, because there are a lot of people out there who have children that really can’t take care of them. My biological parents were teenagers from broken homes. So because of adoption, I got to grow up with great parents who loved me and in an environment much much better than where I would have been.

First things first, I LOVE your display pic, mandolorian's are the best hands down!

I am glad to hear that your parent's gave you both the love and care that you deserve, and I love the fact that they adopted a sister, I can tell you it stinks being an only child sometimes.

 

[krazie_Kid]

Our daughter is adopted, and she has turned out to be nothing but a source of joy and pride for me and sadly, my now deceased wife. We got our daughter at 24 days old and would have adopted more had not the civil war in Sir Lanka broken out.
There was never any question that she was not our natural child; my wife was a beautiful, blue eyed German and I, while somewhat a dark complexioned Italian, unquestionably Caucasian. (long story, but I was living and working in Germany when I met my wife and adopted our daughter).

When we once discussed the topic of seeing her natural mother, she said that we were her parents, were there for her, raised her, picked her up when she fell (literally and figuratively). We are her parents, and she knows no other.

Adopted children just do not "happen": they are a deliberate choice. I could not agree more with KrisBKream that it takes love, discipline, and tenacity to have a shot at being a good parent. All three require a ton of hard work. I would add a lot of patience. To this day, my daughter calls me a benevolent dictator; yet we are very close. We both just came back from Vegas and the Grand Canyon for a bit of sightseeing and some golf, food, and entertainment. It was a "family" trip that we had discussed when my wife was in the hospital a few weeks before she passed. She wanted to do the trip with at least one parent and as a memory to her mom. Although, she lives and works in another city about 70 miles away, we talk at least 3 x a week and see each other about once a month.

Our daughter is now 26 and drop dead gorgeous by anyone's standard. She is also very bright, receivrf her MBA last year and landed a great job commensurate with her skills in Michigan's terrible job market. She also had the perseverance to send out 958 letters and fight through 4 interviews to nail it down. Yet, she has the smile and personality to light up the darkest room (admittedly, more her mom's doing than mine. I am by nature grumpy).

The hard part about parenting starts after birth. My only tip to any parent: learn to set limits and boundaries in such as way as to not suffocate a child, but make sure that children understand when they are getting close to the edge and that there will be consequences for crossing the line. I see far too many parents yell at a child, and yell, and yell until they lose patience and whack them. Kids are not stupid; they learn soon enough how to extend the boundaries and manipulate adults. If the only consequence of bad behavior is being yelled at or getting smacked (fundamentally a really bad way to do things), then they will learn: that wasn't such a high price to pay for extending the borders.

Whether natural or adopted, the parent child bonding starts after birth, and when you have it, there is no greater satisfaction on the planet.

I am very sorry to hear about your wife, losing a spouse is the hardest thing someone has to suffer, and I for one would be a wreck if I ever lost my spouse.

I am glad to hear that your daughter said that you and your late wife are her parent's, that is the most... Loving, and caring thing a child could ever say to an adopted parent. My cousin was adopted, and her parent's are... Not the most loving and caring, and that is what got me worried. She is upset because she never got to meet her real mother (Who passed away from drugs).

I do think the trip idea was an amazing idea to do for her, and in remembrance of your late wife, it is quite honorable. I do thank you for sharing your story with everyone here, including myself, it was quite touching.

One last thing, KK: For your sake and for the sake of your child, please only consider adoption with your wife, not your girlfriend. It's true, stuff happens, and divorce is all too common (I'm divorced myself), but at least start your baby's life in the best possible circumstances: a stable, loving couple, a mother and father who are seriously and publicly committed to each other for the long haul.

Lecture over.

Oh Eleanor trust me, we are not going to adopt any time soon. But the sad thing about marriage, (Which her and I see eye to eye on) Is the statistic's of the divorce rate, 1:2 marriages end in a divorce... Seeing that rate that high, scare's us because we both said "What if we are dating, and decide to get married at 30 or 40, and we get divorced?" We have had talks about quite a bit of things, especially marriage, because we are both 23, and we both are "future planner's" and we have talked about our past relationships (With both of us being engaged at one point, and such). We are both afraid that what happened can/will happen again, but we trust each other enough, and we care about each other enough to know it won't.

So I would say, once we get married, we will spend two or three years just with each other, then go out and adopt, if we feel ready then.

 

[krazie_Kid]

Now that I caught up with everyone's response I would like to say a few words myself.

First and foremost, I thank you all for posting your stories here for everyone and myself to read. Each story has touched me, and has calmed me down a lot, and made me feel like I am not ready to adopt, but a lot more willing, and not hesitant as I was at first.

Secondly, there was a snide remark made, which I will not say what or who it was, but I personally thought it was really uncalled for, and quite ignorant, this is a question that I know comes up a lot and even KrisBkream said his wife was feeling the same way.

So the remark that was made really got to me, and it hurt a lot.

Thirdly: I am really happy for those that have adopted and brought a child or children into your lives and have given them a loving and caring home, that makes me really happy to see that.

For those that are adopted, I am glad to see the stories that you all have said your parent's love you as much as they would their own child, and that as well helped calm me down a lot.

I thank you all again for sharing your stories with everyone here, and myself, it has really helped me open my eyes.

With much family love,
Kevin

 

[waylonjessi4ever]

Kev...actually they say the divorce rate is down because of the economy lol
People literally cannot afford it ,which may force some to work it out ( barring drug addiction ,spousal abuse ,etc.)
There were times where we had our way -downs and thankfully never threw in the towel for good .
Were all different and different parents .I tend to lean toward keyzy in allowing harmless self expression as my mom was the opposite .Not her fault but tough and overbearing is an understatement ....result of her upbringing and wanting to over protect at all costs .Cost us our relationship for many years and it was never good .Dad was my saving grace so parents are parents cause they are people with their own junk doesnt matter adopted or not

 

[Clover~]

I believe that if someone is questioning whether or not they could love an adopted child then the answer is no you shouldn't adopt. Just like when waiting for a biological child, parents don't know who that child is yet but the parents already have unconditional love for that child. My parents knew they were going to adopt and already loved that child even before ever knowing it would be me. Never once did they question if they would love me like their own. They were filled with so much love and happiness that they adopted my brother when I was almost 3. So that is my expaination to the way I feel. Sorry if you felt my remark snide but I feel very strongly about this type of stuff for some reason. Much love to the people that understand adoption.

 

[KrisBKream]

I can understand the concern though. People speak of the love for their children like it's a hardwired biological thing. So I could see someone with no life experience with adoption wondering if they would lack that same primal hardwired feeling if they did not have the genetic connection or carry the child to delivery themselves.

I'm sure there are parents out there who chose to adopt as their first way of having children, but I'm guessing most tried to get pregnant first. Mine did, and my dad admitted that before adopting, he had worries about whether his adopted children would feel like his own flesh and blood. He found out, as close to everyone does, that his worries were unfounded. He lists the days he got the calls from the adoption agency for my sister and me to be the 2 best days of his life. So, I guess he knew before he even held us

Anyway, I'm just responding to shed light on KK's perspective as I see it. He wants to someday have a child and love that child unconditionally with all of his heart. He wants that second part so much that he sought out the experience of others to make sure he wouldn't be robbing a child of that love. To me, it seems like a very loving question, despite how harsh it could sound from a different perspective.

 

[Clover~]

that makes sense to me but I was just explaining how I felt earlier and responding to him calling me out on it. I do understand. But I just can't imagine my parents loving me less because of blood and genetics. It simply has never mattered. So I hope everything works out and kk can make an informed decision.

 

[Morandir835]

Ms. Clover have to disagree, know plenty of parents who don't love their biological children unconditionally from birth, or ever.... Was really trying to stay out of this thread....

 

[Clover~]

yes of course mordy... blah ya I think Im gonna stay away from now on too... its just a big subject with lots of layers and many different circumstances....

 

[krazie_Kid]

I can understand the concern though. People speak of the love for their children like it's a hardwired biological thing. So I could see someone with no life experience with adoption wondering if they would lack that same primal hardwired feeling if they did not have the genetic connection or carry the child to delivery themselves.

I'm sure there are parents out there who chose to adopt as their first way of having children, but I'm guessing most tried to get pregnant first. Mine did, and my dad admitted that before adopting, he had worries about whether his adopted children would feel like his own flesh and blood. He found out, as close to everyone does, that his worries were unfounded. He lists the days he got the calls from the adoption agency for my sister and me to be the 2 best days of his life. So, I guess he knew before he even held us

Anyway, I'm just responding to shed light on KK's perspective as I see it. He wants to someday have a child and love that child unconditionally with all of his heart. He wants that second part so much that he sought out the experience of others to make sure he wouldn't be robbing a child of that love. To me, it seems like a very loving question, despite how harsh it could sound from a different perspective.

I thank you so much for your response because that is exactly what I wanted to hear "The experience of others to make sure I was not robbing a child of that love" I would never want to take a child away from a family that would be more loving then myself, but reading everyones stories, I know I could love that child as much as if it were my own.

that makes sense to me but I was just explaining how I felt earlier and responding to him calling me out on it. I do understand. But I just can't imagine my parents loving me less because of blood and genetics. It simply has never mattered. So I hope everything works out and kk can make an informed decision.

I did not call you out on anything, because I did not mention your name, I just said there was a snide remark made that I did not care for, which could have been any remark made.

Now if I did offend anyone here I am sorry, but as most of you responded, it did not offend anyone, except one person. I did not think it was an offencive statement, or anything of the such, it was just a question that I had, and wanted feed back to make sure that being worried was a normal thing, and from the looks of it, there were a few parents that were worried, so I am not anymore thank's to you guys. I know now that I can love that child, and love the child more then anything in the world.

 

[EleanorR]

Ms. Clover have to disagree, know plenty of parents who don't love their biological children unconditionally from birth, or ever.... Was really trying to stay out of this thread....

True. And that is one of the worst tragedies that ever occurs, and is the cause of so much social pathology.

 

[Clover~]

kk, it was obvious you were talking about me. And honestly I'm not after a fight. I just wanted to explain what some of the things you said made me as an adopted kid feel. I know it isn't your intention and there have been plently of positive and helpful posts. I think the overall message from these posts is that no matter what you do just do it out of love. I apologize from shooting my mouth off sometimes...its how I do. But I never mean harm. much lervs

 

[Morandir835]

Lady Eleanor it is. I was lucky compared to a few very good friends of mine. One is drinking himself into oblivion because of it... Worst I got was a father who doesn't understand me at times because I'm too much like his dad (whom he also never really understood). That's much different than your dad calling you the biggest mistake of his life and mom hating the fact you share same if the same dna markers as your dad.... Really tried to stay out of this thread because of stuff like this.....

 

[EleanorR]

Lady Eleanor it is. I was lucky compared to a few very good friends of mine. One is drinking himself into oblivion because of it... Worst I got was a father who doesn't understand me at times because I'm too much like his dad (whom he also never really understood). That's much different than your dad calling you the biggest mistake of his life and mom hating the fact you share same if the same dna markers as your dad.... Really tried to stay out of this thread because of stuff like this.....

Kyrie eleison . . .

 

[waylonjessi4ever]

Well ,regardless of all this I think kk questioning is the best thing ever .It's when people don't question their own motives and shortfalls ( anybody ) they they run into trouble .I think hearing all these great heartfelt personal stories has been great .
People go ahead an pop out babies with no thought whatsoever to finances,if the marriage is in bad shape , or because the spouse wants one even if they don't .There is nothing wrong with someone who is not cut out for adoption OR biological and they should not do it ,obviously by the headlines of all the abuse /neglect going on today .

 

[krazie_Kid]

kk, it was obvious you were talking about me. And honestly I'm not after a fight. I just wanted to explain what some of the things you said made me as an adopted kid feel. I know it isn't your intention and there have been plently of positive and helpful posts. I think the overall message from these posts is that no matter what you do just do it out of love. I apologize from shooting my mouth off sometimes...its how I do. But I never mean harm. much lervs

And I am quite sorry for shooting off as well, I know you, and never seen you do anything like that. I really do enjoy reading your post's and I was quite shocked with that hun, again, I am sorry if I did offend you.

 

[krazie_Kid]

Well ,regardless of all this I think kk questioning is the best thing ever .It's when people don't question their own motives and shortfalls ( anybody ) they they run into trouble .I think hearing all these great heartfelt personal stories has been great .
People go ahead an pop out babies with no thought whatsoever to finances,if the marriage is in bad shape , or because the spouse wants one even if they don't .There is nothing wrong with someone who is not cut out for adoption OR biological and they should not do it ,obviously by the headlines of all the abuse /neglect going on today .

Waylon, I do thank you for your support, and that you worded what I have been thinking perfectly... If people do not question their shortfall's, failings, or even achievement's then they are not being the best person they can be.

If you do not quite fail at something, but do not achieve it either, you have to ask what you did wrong to fix it. Just like if you fail at something, you have to look at it and ask what did I do wrong, but if you achieve something, you have to look at it and say "Hey how did I do that, so I know for the future" And I personally am a skeptic about everything, and if I do not do that, I do not feel like I am being the best person I can be.

That philosophy works for me though out my whole life, relationships, friends, jobs, interviews, and everything. I mean even something as simple for me as bowling, I will be like "Ok I threw the ball the same exact way last time, why didn't I get a strike?"

You have to analyze everything you do in life, just to make sure you are on the right track, and a lot of people do not do that, and they fall into a drug addiction, a drinking addiction, or minor stuff like all of us, a smoking addiction.

But the difference is most of us here analyzed the fact that it (smoking) is hurting either us, or a loved one, or even both and we had to stop before god forbid it took our life and then we really would hurt a loved one, and I commend you all for being here and doing this...

I want to derail my own thread due to some issues that have been brought up, so a new topic is what have you achieved in the present or past that you are really proud of? Or what did your children, or even grandchildren achieve (if you are lucky enough to have those)?