The Joke Tread!

[jj2]

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!

 

[liblue1]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

 

[jj2]

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

 

[liblue1]

3 rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off to harass the cat."

 

[jj2]

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

 

[liblue1]

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

 

[jj2]

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

 

[liblue1]

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

 

[jj2]

Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?" A: "You can't tuna fish."

 

[jj2]

"By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends."

 

[liblue1]

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

 

[jj2]

I intend to live forever… or die trying.

 

[liblue1]

What do you call a cow that won't give milk?
A milkdud!

 

[jj2]

We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.

 

[liblue1]

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "Because we need the eggs."

 

[whodat2112]

 

[whodat2112]

 

[jj2]

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

[whodat2112]

 

[liblue1]

Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?
A: "Cheap, cheap!"