Today's Laugh

[sawlight]

A man is at home when the police and FBI show up with a bunch of axes, and start splitting all the wood in his back yard. He asks what's going on and is told "Someone called saying you were stashing drugs inside this wood, so we are going to split it all and find it, then arrest you!"
After the last log is split, and they've found nothing, they apologize and leave the man be.
Latter that night his neighbor calls, "Hey Fred, did the cops show up?" "Yes, they did!" "Did they split up all your wood?" "Yes, yes the did?" "Good, happy birthday buddy!"

 

[5cardstud]

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

 

[sawlight]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are all sitting around talking about being pregnant when the conversation turns to what position they were in when they go impregnated.
The brunette proudly exclaims "Well, I was on top in the dominate position, I'm going to have a little girl!"
The redhead, after thinking some, "Well, I was in the missionary position so I'm going to have a little boy!"
Out of the blue the blonde just breaks out in tears! The other two try to calm her down to find out what is wrong when she exclaims "Oh my God! I'm going to have puppies!"

 

[5cardstud]

A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?” God answered: “A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally, the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?” And God said, "In a minute.”

 

[Iken]

A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.

God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.

“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”

“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first one.”

 

[5cardstud]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

 

[sawlight]

God I love blonde jokes! I sucks I can't tell most of mine on this forum!

 

[5cardstud]

God I love blonde jokes! I sucks I can't tell most of mine on this forum!

I know what you mean. I know some fuuny jokes but would be afraid to post them.

 

[Iken]

I know what you mean. I know some fuuny jokes but would be afraid to post them.

+1,000,000

 

[5cardstud]

A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?" She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."

 

[Electricnut]

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to
pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"
asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

[MrsIken]

A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."

 

[5cardstud]

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed,
surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white
shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the
day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time
the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real
bad.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing
she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now
for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at
last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

 

[Iken]

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed,
surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white
shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the
day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time
the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real
bad.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing
she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now
for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at
last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

That one made me cough out my coffee. No one likes a sticky keyboard J5!

 

[5cardstud]

After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Sheila replied, "That's me before the operation."

 

[sawlight]

What do a woman and a box of chicken have in common?
When you're done with the breast, thigh and leg, you still have a box to put your bone in.

 

[5cardstud]

Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks "Mommy what is that"?
Thinking fast she replies "that's my scrub brush".
Then after, having an operation, Johnny sees her and asks "where's your scrub brush Mommy"?
Mommy replies "Oh I lost it somewhere Johnny".
A few weeks later little Johnny comes running in yelling "Mommy, Mommy, I found your scrub brush".
Amused mommy replies "where Johnny"?
Johnny tells her "Upstairs, The maids washing daddy's face with it".

 

[sawlight]

The teacher is in front of the class, "Today we are going to play a game, I'm going to describe what's behind my back and you are going to guess what it is."
"OK, this is round, it's red and it has a stem on it."
Little Johnny is back there just waving his hand, "I know, I know!" But the teacher picks little Susie, "It's an apple!" "No" says the teacher, pulling a tomato from behind her back, "It's a tomato, but I like the way you think!"
Little Johnny's hand goes right up! "Yes Johnny?" "I've got one for you teacher!" Thinking what could go wrong, the teacher goes ahead and plays along.
"OK Johnny, tell me what you have?"
"Well, it's in my pocket, it's round, it's hard and it has a head on it!"
The teacher, furious now exclaims "Johnny, you go to the principles office right now!"
Little Johnny responds with a grin, "Nope, it's a quarter, but I like the way you think!"

 

[Iken]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

 

[5cardstud]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was,'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'