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[DreamingButterfly81]

#2 Joan went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," she said, "I've got big troubles. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Am I going crazy?"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Joan. six months later the doctor met Joan on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? No way! Instead, I went on one of those 'Dude Ranch' vacations, and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

#3 People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Auto week" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

- Quart of Milk for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

Did you hear the one about the woman who begged her husband to take her somewhere expensive for a change? He drove her to the corner gas station.

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

#4 There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So the rich man began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth
with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.

"Sorry Rich Man, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back
saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?"

 

[DreamingButterfly81]

#5 A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat down. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened, "what in the heck is going on"?.

The assistant replied, well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled,

"PEANUTS"!!!

 

[Racehorse]

#1 Why is it nice to be a dog?

No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.

If it itches, you can reach it. And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.

Having big feet is considered an asset.

If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.

 

[Racehorse]

#2
Matthiew Barrer drawing

 

[Racehorse]

#3 Matthiew Barrer drawing:

 

[Racehorse]

#4 Matthieu Barrer drawing:

 

[Racehorse]

#5 Mathieu Barrer drawing:

 

[Nosha]

#1

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse who became pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and instructed her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
"Just send me a postcard," he replied, "and write spaghetti on the back. I'll take care of all the expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months later, the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Honey, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I'll explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home and, after reading the postcard, dropped to the floor clutching his chest. Paramedics rushed him to the emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest, and the doctor's wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

 

[Nosha]

#2

Three men were at a hospital waiting for their babies to be born. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you just had twins!". He said, "That's wild because I work for Twin Gates Electric Company". Another nurse comes in and tells the second man, "Congratulations, you just had triplets!". He said, "Man, that's uncanny because I work for 3M company." Upon hearing all this, the third man gets up from his chair and starts toward the door. The nurse says, "Wait sir, your wife has not had her baby yet. Where are you going?". The man replied, "Hell lady, I'm leaving while I can....I work for 7Up!!".

 

[Nosha]

#3

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the 1st class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for 10 to 15 secs. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman & said,"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed 3 times, wiped your nose & then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man,more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded,"BLACK PEPPER."

 

[Nosha]

#4

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Go ahead, Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."
"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this.
Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
Again Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it and his eyes popped out in shock."

 

[Nosha]

#5

A very tired nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:'Well, that's great....that's just great......Some .......'s got my pen!

 

[Neya]

1.
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

 

[Neya]

2.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

 

[Neya]

3.
Q. What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
A. I just love baskin’ robins

 

[glassmanoak]

#1
From South Louisiana

Q: What is a Tropical Storms favorite song?
A: "Rock You Like A Hurricane!"

 

[Neya]

4.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!

 

[Neya]

5.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Little old lady?
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn't know you could yodel!