Valley View Vapes - Win a FREE Polypropylene Tank
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#3
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really .......
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really .......
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
3
Hear about the two peanuts that walked through central park?
One was a-salted.
Come on, ax. Be a good boy and number your posts.
I did! I numbered the original joke.
I don't think chit-chat counts to number.
#4
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
4
Chit chats are a numbered post as far as the random number generator goes. Come on, ax. Play nice with other people.
What do you call a cow who has had a abortion?
Decalfinated!
I did! I numbered the original joke.
I don't think chit-chat counts to number.
Chit chats are a numbered post as far as the random number generator goes. Come on, ax. Play nice with other people.
What do you call a cow who has had a abortion?
Decalfinated!
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#5
Social Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
Social Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
2)
Q: How do you tell when you have had wayyy too much coffee?
A: you don't sweat, you PERCOLATE!
Q: How do you tell when you have had wayyy too much coffee?
A: you don't sweat, you PERCOLATE!
2. So does the 1st post not count... I was joking when I asked who wanted to help clean
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
2. IT IS TOO EARLY FOR ME TOO FOLLOW DIRECTIONS AND BE GOOD! That being said, I'm having a wonderful Saturday morning chllin and vapin.
3)
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"
I think my husband gave me his cold...
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"
I think my husband gave me his cold...
4)
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
Neighbor is taking the kids out for a walk - blessed quiet in the house...
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
Neighbor is taking the kids out for a walk - blessed quiet in the house...
5
Why did the dolphin kill himself?
He had no porpoise in his life!
How quickly post numbers go by when you are having fun!
That was my last post of the daY! AMAZING!
Why did the dolphin kill himself?
He had no porpoise in his life!
How quickly post numbers go by when you are having fun!
That was my last post of the daY! AMAZING!
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1. A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender,
buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for
$57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out
into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself
one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he
can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so
he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for
the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill
for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the
living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you
drink."
buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for
$57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out
into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself
one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he
can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so
he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for
the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill
for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the
living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you
drink."
5)
Q: What did the limestone say to the geologist?
A: Stop taking me for granite.
I may need a nap today.
Tired.
Q: What did the limestone say to the geologist?
A: Stop taking me for granite.
I may need a nap today.
Tired.
Saturday #1
(no offense to the guys)
Why do married women weigh more than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge & go to bed.
Married women come home, take one look at what’s in the bed & go to the fridge.
(no offense to the guys)
Why do married women weigh more than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge & go to bed.
Married women come home, take one look at what’s in the bed & go to the fridge.
2. A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
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