Heh. I'm no good daughter by any means.
If anything, all I've done is make for more pain and suffering. I've caused her much anger and grief, which only hastens her decline. All the while, my selfishness begs for her to keep living and not give up. But this doesn't line up with me trying to pursue my own life, one I've never really had. Other relativities say this is a short time in my life, enjoy my time with her while you can. But it's been over 10 years now. And I have no clue how I'm going to deal with it once it comes. And I don't want it to come any time soon, but stupid realities with paperwork and forms and meetings and decisions and stuff I just don't know about and don't want to deal with.
On my birthday this spring she was transferred from the hospital to a nursing home, and that afternoon the admissions coordinator was meeting with me (and this lady wished me a happy birthday welcome) wanting to know what her burial and funeral plans were. First time that ever came up in a professional setting (my mom always has
threatened doctor assisted suicide, and I do know that one aunt already purchased burial plots or headstones or something for her sisters, and I knew she was being treated by the palliative nurse team through visiting nurses), but still. She's 55. It's my birthday. Go away. Crappy birthday. Just another day.
There's so much to this story, so please forgive the slanted view those few sentences above might project.
I've only folded and put away like a handful of laundry items. The bed in the guestroom is piled so high with clean laundry that needs folding and putting away. It would seem like an easy task I suppose, but I need to clean up and clear out the places to put that clean laundry, in addition to the sorting and folding it epic task. All these various steps for completion can seem quite overwhelming at times. And the laundry issue is the easiest of tackles compared to everything else. Gawd. See what I mean? Not a good daughter at all. The house is a mess. I am a mess. I only make messes. And add those messes to my list of messes to clean up.
And I've got a whole second life 500 miles away that is crumbling without me there.
Pity party ranting over. Gunna try and do something remotely productive. Hopefully. Sad horn exit. Wap wahwahwahwahwaaaaaah.