Why have my farts...

[SpicyMcHaggis]

My favorite trick is to saunter up to a group of people standing around talking, "tear one fresh off the stalk", let it waft out a little bit for proper saturation then say "Do you guys smell smoke?".

What's the first thing you do when someone asks if you smell smoke? Exactly!

 

[Petrodus]

 

[VapApe]

Hey now! I resemble that remark

 

[Lethalp]

I certainly hope this doesnt happen to ALL vapers!!! And what on earth do u do if u dont have a dog to blame??

 

[Petrodus]

Those who have been following this thread for some time will remember this
However, for those who might have missed it ...
Time for a few Fart Jokes - George Carlin

 

[burnah]

ROFLMAO .... THIS is best thread EVER!!

 

[TechJ]

My wife thinks I've lost my mind.

She also said there has been no change. I've always been fulla hot air.

 

[Hulamoon]

Oh dear God! but you have a way with words. My eyes are STILL watering

I learned to fart from my grandfather and my mother.

I drop air bombs and walk away, end result is I drag it but some times I can get it to hang for an unreal amount of time.

I still have to stay fairly close to the mom unit in the store, nothing beats her carrying on a conversation with a total stranger thinking it was me. She suddenly bent over to get something she dropped and let out this LOUD thunderous sonic boom with a gurgle follow through almost right in this poor slobs face. Bad thing is she did not miss a beat and was rattling on to the poor SOB who just got crop dusted.

I heard it 25' away and started roaring laughing, was her only tip off and she swung around, spied the poor dusting victim and the smell hit. MY GOD!! IT HIT ME 25' away and felt like my nose was on fire.

To this day she will not go in that store nor forgive me for cackling like a mad ........

 

[Hulamoon]

Uhhhhhh....Buy one?

I certainly hope this doesnt happen to ALL vapers!!! And what on earth do u do if u dont have a dog to blame??

 

[Cinnamonkey]

No gallbladder+love of spicy foods+vaping=household apocalypse....and me enjoying the utter havoc I wreak (or is it reek?? I will let you decide).

I consider it payback for messy rooms, endless laundry, teenage backtalking, eyerolling, annoying me, and just because I can do it. I prefer the silent but burning deadly...but loud, proud, and nostril blistering is always acceptable as well.

Now how's that for ladylike qualities??? As long as I hold my pinky out when I do it..it's still considered elegant.

 

[Hulamoon]

LOL. your payback reminds me of my sister who rips sheets on a continual basis. One of her teenager daughters would NOT get out of bed in the morning to clean up and catch the bus to school. So she developed an evil evil plan. She would call her 3 times, then if that didn't work, she'd sneak into teenager's bedroom, aim her .... right at Sleeping Beauty's nose and let go with a sonic boom that rattled windows and a foul smell that would fell an elephant at 50 yards..... It worked too - in fact this might be an additional usage for you uuhhh...professionals ... out there with annoying teenagers who go to bed late and refuse to get up in the morning to go to school......

No gallbladder+love of spicy foods+vaping=household apocalypse....and me enjoying the utter havoc I wreak (or is it reek?? I will let you decide).

I consider it payback for messy rooms, endless laundry, teenage backtalking, eyerolling, annoying me, and just because I can do it. I prefer the silent but burning deadly...but loud, proud, and nostril blistering is always acceptable as well.

Now how's that for ladylike qualities??? As long as I hold my pinky out when I do it..it's still considered elegant.

 

[TechJ]

Bump for a great thread. Even reading it the second time around made me laugh uncontrollably.

 

[Underwhelmed]

One of the reasons I loved being a scientist was because there was always a fume hood in the lab. Just back up and casually lean against the fume hood and let 'er rip. The exhaust fans are also loud, so takes care of the noise problem as well.

My least favorite place to fart is in a racquetball court. Totally enclosed area, only two people playing, echoes badly. There's no blaming it on someone else in a racquetball court. The other person knows it wasn't them. If any of my opponents were under the impression that ladies don't fart, they aren't any longer. Sometimes, if there is time, I will wander over to the squash court and deposit my air biscuit there. Let those snobby squash players deal with it!

Heh, heh, I work in a FAA repair station and we have a large booth for grinding composites in.

It's from these folks-
http://www.filter-1.com/products/dustron-dust-control-booths/

I'm pretty sure it has saved my co-workers numerous times since we installed it, particularly after one of my weekly BBQ smoked brisket sandwich and potato salad dinners.

 

[Underwhelmed]

Had to swipe this for my avatar I loved it so much.

 

[Worutaa]

Wow, this thread still going?

Shame it's my most major contribution to this site

lol j/k kinda awesome

 

[Rachy_B]

VG is also used as a laxative, so that could be your culprit right there...

Firstly, this thread totally needs to be revived because it's had me in stitches for ages...

Secondly, I have a couple of stories to add to this. The first story relates to the above quote:

A neighbour of mine, a couple of years ago, took pride in his car. It wasn't a flashy car but it was his and he loved it. He cleaned it religiously and one day decided to clean the engine to make it look sparkly and new. He heard that glycerine was a very good cleaner for engines so went to the local pharmacist to buy some, declaring it was to 'clean out his engine'. Needless to say, he got a funny look from the girl behind the counter but he came home and, using a paintbrush, began to clean the engine in his car. I saw him that afternoon and he told me this story. I looked at the label on the bottle and there it was, clear as day, 'laxative'. I pointed this out to him, he blushed and said 'Oh...'...we don't talk anymore.

Second story:

My mum had an operation when I was little and they wouldn't let her come home until she'd...been. One Saturday afternoon, coming down form the morphine, she was feeling a bit sad because everyone had visitors except her so she pulled the hospital curtains around her bed and put on her walkman and headphones to listen to Phil Collins. After a few minutes she let out a rip-roaring fart, paused, and giggled a little 'tee-hee' before continuing to listen to her music. She was told later that evening by other ladies on the ward that at the sound of her fart, the whole ward, visitors, nurses and all, had stopped mid-conversation and at the sound of her giggle, they had laughed their heads off. I think my mum kept the curtains shut in utter shame for the rest of her time in hospital!x

 

[Rachy_B]

Ah, a third, I once farted in the shower and it sounded like a duck quacking...I was disappointed that there was no one around to hear it so I sent a text to everyone in my phone book to let them know of the awesomeness that had just occurred...x

 

[Koman]

Bump for a great thread. Even reading it the second time around made me laugh uncontrollably.

Ha ha, same here m8!

 

[Scoop224]

Best
thread
ever!!!!!

 

[Riverboat]

8-o8-o8-oWhy on God's green earth do my farts smell so rank lately? 8-o8-o8-o.

Because your rotten inside...