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[Incognito™]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her .... that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

[Panky]

People should shop at GH1 because they have bulk pricing

 

[blackwidow]

It would be in one's best interest to shop at greenhouse one because they are green.

 

[hairball]

Four boys were fishing. As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they saw a man thrashing in the water.

With no hesitation, they jumped into the water and saved him.

It was not until they pulled him to shore that they noticed the man they had saved was President Obama, who had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim.

When President Obama caught his breath, he thanked the two boys and offered them anything they wanted in return for saving his life.

The first boy thought about it for a while and finally answered.

"I would like a presidential appointment to West Point so I can serve my country."

The next two thought that was a great idea, but one said he had always wanted to be a pilot so he would rather attend the Air Force Academy.

The third boy chose the Naval Academy.

The president turned to the fourth boy, who was still thinking.

Finally he answered, "Mr. President, I would like a burial with honors at Arlington National Cemetery"

The president was shocked and asked the boy why he would make such a request at his young age.

The boy replied "Because when my father finds out I saved you, he is going to kill me!"

 

[Incognito™]

A man and his friend are playing golf one day. The man sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

 

[Lauralie]

A touching story

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought. she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep s-h-i-t."

 

[thughes]

Someone should shop at GH1 because of their great prices!

 

[rbuck9]

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they asked.

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

 

[toto1013]

Almost Perfect Life
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

 

[Optimo]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks."

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."

The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."

The bartender says, "What've you got?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

 

[Ever1ast]

Jerry received a parrot for his birthday.

The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least very rude.

Jerry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation. Jerry put the parrot in the FREEZER.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was silence.

-Not a sound for half a minute. Jerry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Jerry's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I shall endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Jerry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made the difference and caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did???"

 

[jillyjo1]

You should shop at Greenhouse One because they have a really cool logo! AND they have great prices!

 

[hairball]

A seedy-looking old man was sitting in the first row at a town meeting, heckling the President as he delivered a lengthy speech.

Finally the president pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of America?"

"Well, Mr. Obama," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

 

[19scorpio73]

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

 

[Uncle]

Okay time to catch-up with "Fair & Balanced" Political Funnies . . .

Why Do Republicans...

1)Why do the Republicans give Wyoming by far the most federal anti-terrorism money per capita?
They're trying to protect it from those gay cowboys.

2) Why do Republican tax cuts always expire in ten years or less?
They want to make them thirty but keep running out of fingers.

3) Why did the Republicans kill Jesus?
He tried to cross the border.

4) Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast?
They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.

5) Why did the Republican throw a clock out the window?
He saw a homosexual and was out of grenades.

6) Why did Republican senator Larry Craig throw a clock out the window?
He'd run out of more covert signals in trying to score some gay sex.

7) Why do Republican politicians shoot Republican lawyers in the face?
The lawyers are always talking about tough sentences for minority kids and the politicians think
they're teaching them to read.

8) Why didn't Republicans save any of the black New Orleans residents from the flooding of
Hurricane Katrina?
They were busy trying to get two of each animal for their ark first and couldn't catch that damned
roadrunner.

9) Why is Republican state representative Bob Allen's wallet suspiciously empty these days?
He has to spend money searching for the "real" gay prostitution solicitors.

10) Why do Republicans love doing laundry?
They're naturals at separating the whites from the colors.


P.S. More to come for your enjoyment . . .

 

[Natalia]

Wife: "Do you know, married men live longer than single man do?"
Husband: "Do you know married men are a lot more willing to die?"

 

[thughes]

Someone should shop at GH1 because of their great prices!

 

[Optimo]

A very small town family was visiting New York to attend a conference. Father and son who ventured out on their own were amazed to see these many tall buildings. They ended by in Waldorf Astoria. They walked in the hotel and saw that an old lady in a wheelchair got into a moving wall with a press of button. They had never seen an elevator before! The doors closed and the boy and his father were looking at the small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and beautiful twenty-one-year-old women stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and told him, “Go get your mother.”

 

[toto1013]

Brain Transplant
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.

But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.

"Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."

 

[Lauralie]

Try GH1 for their great variety of items