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[smokum]

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the other news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

 

[thughes]

Someone should shop at GH1 because they have awesome juice!

 

[Jibba73]

An old man brings his old wife to the doctors for some tests.
Several days go by and the doctor calls and tells the old man he had the results but he spilled coffee on them and couldn't make out exactly what the test said.
The old man asked if the doctor could venture a guess?
The doctor said it may either be alzheimers or aids.
The old man, flabbergasted, asked how he would be able to tell which disease his wife was afflicted with?

The doctor said "Well... drive her to the edge of town and drop her off. If she remembers how to get home, don't sleep with her."

 

[Odium]

E Cig Joke

So, these two young farmboys went to the local general store, and after a little bit of sweet talking, they made their way behind the barn. About a half hour later, Pa, who was trying to avoid the Mrs. headed out behind the barn.

Ma called for lunch, went back inside and grabbed a soup pot and a wooden spoon and began banging on it on the front porch, calling for the two boys and their Pa. After a few minutes of them not showing up, Ma picked up the phone and called her sister..."Yeah," she said, "They're out behind the barn, puffin' away on them new fangled mechanical glow sticks."

 

[RippleInStillWater]

Thirteen Rules of Life:

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right." (especially if you're a man!)
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them!
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month?
One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

 

[toto1013]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

 

[woody55]

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

One night in their retirement years they go to a party. The man is ready to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion for so many years, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

 

[Sedateme]

A pony walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender says, "What? I can't hear you."

"Can I get a drink?"

"What? You have to speak up!"

"Could I please have a drink?"

"I can't hear you, speak up!"

"Sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

 

[tattoogirl]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".

haha thats funny

 

[Loveridden]

People should shop at GH1 for the great flavors!!

 

[tyleris12]

Everyone should shop GH1 for their great prices and huge selection!

 

[Uncle]

And If You're Really Old - Do You Remember . . .

63.Horses delivering milk


64.Tipping over the outhouse on Halloween


65.Kids missing a lot of school because of rheumatic fever, scarlet fever, pneumonia, mastoiditis (draining ears), polio and a host of other diseases before we had antibiotics


66.Extra, Extra! Read all about it! (like in 1939 when WWII started)


67.CCC, PWA, WPA and a bunch of other Federal programs


68.Fireside chats form FDR


69.Tractors with huge iron lugs that would tear up farm roads


70.The steam train coming to town and the race to see if you could beat it, while trying to avoid the black cinders from the smoke that would fall on your Sunday School white shirt


71.The local Civil War vets


72.Memorial Day parades with the WWI veterans marching in their puttees


73.Outdoor silent movies


74.Black face minstrel shows


If you remembered 0-20 = You're still young
If you remembered 21-40 = You are getting older
If you remembered 41-60 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 61-74 = You're older than dirt!

 

[Lauralie]

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

 

[vikki59]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying ......?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish ......'... It's when you drop the ...... tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!

But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

 

[thughes]

Someone should shop at GH1 because of their great products!

 

[hairball]

Shop GH1 because I said so! They have the best prices on Boge doohickies and the things that power those doohickies. You need to shop there because this contest is getting too long.

LOL...shop GH1 for the best prices on products with excellent customer service.

 

[toto1013]

General Baldwin had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet removed a button from his shirt. He threw himself to the ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern. The general yelled at a passing sergeant. "Hey, isn't somebody going to kill that damned sniper?" The sergeant looked down at the general and replied:
"I guess not, general. We're scared that if we kill him the enemy will replace him with somebody who really knows how to shoot."

 

[woody55]

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -
"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

 

[spacekitty]

The economy is so bad that I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail;
CEO's are now playing miniature golf;
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen;
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America;
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore;
A picture now ... is worth only 200 words;
They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street", and
I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[SimGameIt]

The word of the day is Obama.


I can wipe my .... Obama self. LoL

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