Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming 'WOOO HOOOO!'
A Smile for you
- Thread starter Mary Kay
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Can you read it to us? 
I hope this posts big enough to read!
Sorry It just won't enlarge!
O.K! Gather round and stop smacking each other!
Panel1:
Come on! (an elderly lady sitting on the passenger side of her car)
2:
What's keeping him! (Getting upset)
3:
That Husband of mine is so inconciderate!(Looking around)
4:
This is the LAST time I take him shopping with me!
5:
I am finished shopping and he is no where to be found.
6:
I bet he's met someone he knows and they are having a gabfest somewhere!
7:
This is just like Earl! To forget all about me!(Looking at her watch)
8:
I swear that man is getting more forgetful everyday! (Looking Heavenward)
9:
(Back at her home in her living room her grown daughter is talking to her dad who is sitting in his recliner reading the paper) daughter: Hey Dad? Have you seen Mom lately? Dad: She went to the store a few hours ago.
Panel1:
Come on! (an elderly lady sitting on the passenger side of her car)
2:
What's keeping him! (Getting upset)
3:
That Husband of mine is so inconciderate!(Looking around)
4:
This is the LAST time I take him shopping with me!
5:
I am finished shopping and he is no where to be found.
6:
I bet he's met someone he knows and they are having a gabfest somewhere!
7:
This is just like Earl! To forget all about me!(Looking at her watch)
8:
I swear that man is getting more forgetful everyday! (Looking Heavenward)
9:
(Back at her home in her living room her grown daughter is talking to her dad who is sitting in his recliner reading the paper) daughter: Hey Dad? Have you seen Mom lately? Dad: She went to the store a few hours ago.
LOL!! Thanks MaryKay, that's so hilarious and it probably really happened!! ROFL!
Then meeting a couple of girlfriends who say "Let's do it again!"
Be the kind of woman
that when your feet
hit the floor each
morning the devil says~~
"Oh Crap, She's up!"
that when your feet
hit the floor each
morning the devil says~~
"Oh Crap, She's up!"
One day my housework-challenged husband decided
To wash his Sweatshirt..
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
He shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the
Washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.
'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '
And they say
Blondes are dumb....
A couple is lying
In bed. The man says,
'I am going to make
You the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you........'
----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
Neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied
Comments made in the year 1955!
(That's only 55 years ago!)
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
(That's only 55 years ago!)
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculou s.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter!
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. '
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculou s.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter!
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store. '
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
'There is no sense going anywhere for a weekend anymore, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel..
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
'There is no sense going anywhere for a weekend anymore, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel..
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo ..... It means someone stole the tent.'
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo ..... It means someone stole the tent.'
I had to read all these posts in shifts, my face hurts from laughing out loud! What a book it would make.
Here's one, just off the email, I'm a little scared but I don't think there's anything offensive in it unless you're a man, maybe.....
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side….
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Hockey.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.
Here's one, just off the email, I'm a little scared but I don't think there's anything offensive in it unless you're a man, maybe.....
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side….
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Hockey.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be
the Man of Your House".
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have
all the kind of kinky hm-hm that I ever dreamed about.
After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
the Man of Your House".
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have
all the kind of kinky hm-hm that I ever dreamed about.
After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went
unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey",
died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the
trouble started.
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went
unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey",
died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the
trouble started.
Another good one (for your mind!)
Only great minds can read this
This is
weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna
raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55
plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid,
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht
oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit
and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and
I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Only great minds can read this
This is
weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna
raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55
plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid,
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht
oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit
and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and
I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Too funny!
Of course I could read that! That's how I spell! Now for you guys who are the spelling police..what is your blasted pobelm?
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