Anecdotes

[Stormynights]

FRIENDS are like panties...
Some crawl up your .....
Some snap under pressure.
Some don't have the strength to hold you up.
Some get a little twisted.
Some are your favorite.
Some are holy. Some are cheap. Some are naughty.
And some actually cover your .... when you need them to.

 

[Killjoy1]

In the dead of summer, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I go down three inches I will
feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches... that fish
will jump for the fly... and I be able to eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese
sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was
more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly. And that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the
bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the
banks of this particular lake around lunchtime. "Gosh. If that fly goes down three inches. And
that fish jumps for that fly. And that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear,
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse
grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls
into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches...
Somewhere there is a ..... in trouble.


EDIT: forgot about the forum's word filter, didn't realize it was that sensitive

 

[wfarrar33]

Niiiiice ..............................

In the dead of summer, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

He was a hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I go down three inches I will
feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches... that fish
will jump for the fly... and I be able to eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese
sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was
more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish jumps for that fly. And that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the
bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the
banks of this particular lake around lunchtime. "Gosh. If that fly goes down three inches. And
that fish jumps for that fly. And that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear,
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse
grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls
into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches...
Somewhere there is a ..... in trouble.


EDIT: forgot about the forum's word filter, didn't realize it was that sensitive

 

[dspin]

I love this picture

 

[Huffelpuff]

Aww... poor doggy! Too cute.

 

[Stormynights]

I ended up with an older woman at the club bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit and then she asked, 'Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?' 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and my mind began to embrace the idea. I said, 'No I haven't had a mother and daughter threesome.' We drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, 'Tonight is your lucky night.' We drove to her place. We walked in, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom! You still awake?'

 

[Stormynights]

The above joke was just a copy and paste from an email. I am a woman.

 

[Stormynights]

This is a true story. A young female hairstylist was just leaving work and locking up the shop. A man came up behind her and told her that he had to have a haircut right then. He said he had an important meeting the next morning and couldn't wait till the next day. She hesitantly unlocked the door and let him in. She put the cape on him and noticed him squirming in the chair. Then she noticed the cape over his lap bouncing up and down. She turned the chair so he couldn't see her in the mirror and whacked him over the head with her blow dryer. She grabbed the phone and dialed 911. They told her to wait outside till the police came in case he came to. He was still out cold when the police arrived. When they removed the cape to hand cuff him they noticed that he had pulled out his shirt tail and was cleaning his glasses.
Do not ever clean your glasses while getting your hair cut.

 

[t man]

"George" goes to work on Monday with a black eye. The guys ask George what happened? George says, well I went to the races Saturday and when we all stood for the national anthem I noticed the dress of the woman in front of me caught in her crack, so I reached over and pulled it out and she turned around nailed me!
So the next week George comes to work with his other eye black. The guys ask ok what happened this time. George says, I went to the races again and that same woman was in front of me. Sure enough we stood up and her dress was caught in her crack again. One of his buddy's says don't tell me you were stupid enough to pull it out again. George says, I'm a lot smarter than that. What happened was the guy next to me did and I said no she don't like it that way, and I tucked it back in!!
__________________

 

[imeothanasis]

hahahahaha, very nice stormy. Poor guy

I ended up with an older woman at the club bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit and then she asked, 'Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?' 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and my mind began to embrace the idea. I said, 'No I haven't had a mother and daughter threesome.' We drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, 'Tonight is your lucky night.' We drove to her place. We walked in, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom! You still awake?'

 

[Stormynights]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a desert island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!" Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. ''Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Oh, sweet Mother of Jesus...Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

 

[Stormynights]

A man said to his wife one day: "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded: "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!!!"

 

[Stormynights]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence ... thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know SH-T?

 

[imeothanasis]

hahaha, that was a very nice one sweety

A man said to his wife one day: "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded: "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!!!"

 

[dspin]

Inner Peace


If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs

...Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!




And you thought I was going to get all spiritual..

 

[Stormynights]

Why do people say "Grow some balls"?
Balls are weak and sensitive!
If you really wanna get tough, grow a v gina,
those thing take a pounding!

Betty White

 

[dspin]

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG....


Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens wearing Obama tee shirts, four wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer-service-desk people speaking in broken English,
three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

I'M TRYING TO TALK HIM INTO QUITTING SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT
HELPS GET THE CRAPPY TASTE OUT OF HIS MOUTH!

 

[dspin]

POLICE DOG


This is undoubtedly the most expressive picture I've ever seen of an animal.
You can almost hear him say these words;
"You want me to do what?"
The look on this dog's face is priceless...

You Can kiss my ..., "I ain't smellin' those!!!

 

[CaptSteve]

hahahaha you got me on the floor dspin. Specially that last one is fantastic

 

[rwechsler]

Love your anecdotes d...they're just too much for me.