Anecdotes
- Thread starter wfarrar33
- Start date
- th_trl_thread_readers 0
- Status
that letter is great.
What do a blond and a quarter at the bottom of the toilet have in common?
They both look good, but they are just not worth it.
They both look good, but they are just not worth it.
Well, I think that has exhausted my good clean jokes. All of my favorite jokes a probably a little too colorful for the forum.
I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
i was in a restaurant yesterday when i suddenly realized i desperately
needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so i timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, i started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then i suddenly remembered that i was listening to my ipod.
roflmao!!!!
Don't be racist. Be like mario. he's an italian plumber created by japanese people who speaks english and looks like a mexican, that runs like a jamaican, jumps like a black man and grabs coins like a jew.
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps you when you lie.
He tests it at dinner time on his son.
dad: Where were you today Son?
son: "at school dad"
--robot slaps him--
son: "ok i watched a DVD at my mates"
dad: "what DVD?"
son: "toy story"
--robot slaps him again--
son: "ok it was porn"
dad: "WHAT?? when i was your age i didnt know porn"
--the robot slaps the dad. --
mom: " ha ha ha he's certainly your son"
--the robot slaps the mother--
He tests it at dinner time on his son.
dad: Where were you today Son?
son: "at school dad"
--robot slaps him--
son: "ok i watched a DVD at my mates"
dad: "what DVD?"
son: "toy story"
--robot slaps him again--
son: "ok it was porn"
dad: "WHAT?? when i was your age i didnt know porn"
--the robot slaps the dad. --
mom: " ha ha ha he's certainly your son"
--the robot slaps the mother--
A quiet Round of Golf
A man staggered into the casualty department of a hospital, he had severe concussion, two black eyes, multiple bruising and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked him "What happened to you?"
The man managed to croak..."Well, my wife and I were having a quiet round of golf, we were playing the eighth..., a difficult hole at the best of times....., anyway, we both sliced our balls into a field full of cattle. We went to look for them and as we were walking round, I noticed that one of the cows had something white at it's rear end. I went over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's initials on it....stuck right in the centre of the cow's .......y.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife "Hey this looks like yours! "
I don't remember much after that..
A man staggered into the casualty department of a hospital, he had severe concussion, two black eyes, multiple bruising and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asked him "What happened to you?"
The man managed to croak..."Well, my wife and I were having a quiet round of golf, we were playing the eighth..., a difficult hole at the best of times....., anyway, we both sliced our balls into a field full of cattle. We went to look for them and as we were walking round, I noticed that one of the cows had something white at it's rear end. I went over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's initials on it....stuck right in the centre of the cow's .......y.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife "Hey this looks like yours! "
I don't remember much after that..
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
Being very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her .... that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
Being very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her .... that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Upgrading to Wife 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
• A "don't remind me again" button.
• Minimize button.
• Ability to delete the "headache" file
• An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 versions without loss of other system resources.
• An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
Virus Alert
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
• A "don't remind me again" button.
• Minimize button.
• Ability to delete the "headache" file
• An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 versions without loss of other system resources.
• An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first; otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
Virus Alert
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!
OK, a clean one to improve my Karma. This one also goes for accountants, politicians, mothers in law, brothers in law,,,
A guy calls his attorney and tells the secretary he wants to speak with him.
The secretary says I'm sorry to be the one to tell you but he suffered a tragic vehicular situation, expired and was interred.
The guy says ok thanks and hangs up.
He calls back 30 seconds later and says can I speak with my attorney?
The secretary says, ok, I'll explain, he had a car crash, died and is buried in the cemetary, OK?
He says thanks and hangs up and calls back for the third time 30 seconds later.
The secretary now ...... says "look, he was driving drunk, hit a tree, he bit the big one, we dug a hole and threw his ... in there. Do you understand now?
The guy says oh sure, I understood it the first time you told me.
Why do you keep calling back asks the secretary?
Because I love to hear it he replies.
A guy calls his attorney and tells the secretary he wants to speak with him.
The secretary says I'm sorry to be the one to tell you but he suffered a tragic vehicular situation, expired and was interred.
The guy says ok thanks and hangs up.
He calls back 30 seconds later and says can I speak with my attorney?
The secretary says, ok, I'll explain, he had a car crash, died and is buried in the cemetary, OK?
He says thanks and hangs up and calls back for the third time 30 seconds later.
The secretary now ...... says "look, he was driving drunk, hit a tree, he bit the big one, we dug a hole and threw his ... in there. Do you understand now?
The guy says oh sure, I understood it the first time you told me.
Why do you keep calling back asks the secretary?
Because I love to hear it he replies.
***Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
***Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
***Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
***Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
***If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
***Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
***We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
***War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
***Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
***The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
***Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
***I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
***Does this rag smell like chloroform to you
***Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
***Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
***Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
***If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
***Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
***We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
***War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
***Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
***The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
***Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
***I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
***Does this rag smell like chloroform to you
- Status
