Depression

[Nyxie]

Thanks Atlas. I think he's scared. His sister had depression problems, and committed suicide. his mom has been all but disowned by us because of her ongoing addiction. He's scared he will lose us too, but he said he'll go to marriage counseling with me, so we'll see. Not holding my breath though.

Yep Atlas is right. Don't let the scare tactics get to you .

And it is a great thing that he is offering to go to counseling , if he is sincere. My ex pretended to be sincere about it , luckily I had a counselor who told me he was only telling them what they wanted to hear and didnt mean it.

Your Mom sounds like mine. Giving acres , etc Mine doesn't tell everyone else though how she had to help me . She reminds me daily that I owe her or that she helped me. Especially when I try to make a boundary.
For instance if I say I am not opening the door after 9pm she will come at either 8:55 and stay till 11, or come at 9:05 and say she really tried to do (insert random thing) and cant and "really needs my help", for real this time.

The thing last week was that I have told her before that I don't carry the phone with me like she does , sometimes I miss a call. Generally she is the only one who calls me anyway. I always call her back if I manage to be in the bathroom or some other random thing when she calls. So I missed a call while I was at the therapist, I forgot to turn my phone back on and didnt see that she called till 11pm, I called her back the next day. That same day I missed another call and she told my daughter to text me because I never answer the phone for her. So If I make a boundary she will weasel her way around it every time. Before I can even figure out what is happening to stop it.

 

[Nyxie]

Good luck with your appt today jjrose .

 

[JerryRM]

Good luck today, jj. I'm sure he/she will help you.

 

[jjrose]

I'm back...meds to try, and starting counseling Wednesday. I hate crying in public...but at least I didn't wear make up...

 

[Nyxie]

I'm back...meds to try, and starting counseling Wednesday. I hate crying in public...but at least I didn't wear make up...

That is great news. I think you will probably benefit from both.

 

[JerryRM]

That's a tough one, Nyxie. Short of moving away from your mother, you have to find a way to set the boundaries without hurting her feelings.

JJ, that's a big and important step forward !!! The meds should put you on an even keel, while you and the counselor work on your problems.

 

[Friend of Atlas]

Your Mom sounds like mine. Giving acres , etc Mine doesn't tell everyone else though how she had to help me . She reminds me daily that I owe her or that she helped me. Especially when I try to make a boundary.
For instance if I say I am not opening the door after 9pm she will come at either 8:55 and stay till 11, or come at 9:05 and say she really tried to do (insert random thing) and cant and "really needs my help", for real this time.

The thing last week was that I have told her before that I don't carry the phone with me like she does , sometimes I miss a call. Generally she is the only one who calls me anyway. I always call her back if I manage to be in the bathroom or some other random thing when she calls. So I missed a call while I was at the therapist, I forgot to turn my phone back on and didnt see that she called till 11pm, I called her back the next day. That same day I missed another call and she told my daughter to text me because I never answer the phone for her. So If I make a boundary she will weasel her way around it every time. Before I can even figure out what is happening to stop it.

Sooo, when can you move? I would just like to say that would be the 'healthy' running IMHO...

 

[Friend of Atlas]

I'm back...meds to try, and starting counseling Wednesday. I hate crying in public...but at least I didn't wear make up...

LMAO - At least your ironic sense of humor is still intact. I'm glad the mascara wasn't running down your face!

I hope the meds work. Did the Dr that prescribed them schedule a follow up appt for you - to see how the meds are working?

 

[Nighthawk]

I've been down with the flu and missed a bunch! Nyxie... I think our mom's must have been seperated at birth or something. UGH!!!!! Yes, I ran away. Twice. First from an abusive home life I coldn't take anymore to marry my 'knight in shining armor'. Then 12 years later again--- away from the abusive home life With the knight. It's been really really hard. I needed to go both times for sure. Now I am someplace I don't want or need to be. again. I am going to try and figure out how to save myself this time. I have way too many animals as well. Too many kids too. All that trying to fill up the aweful emptiness I feel.
Even knowing that.... I still have a hard time turning away a critter in need. or loads of kittens & cats into the shelter that seem to keep multipling! It's my fault for not getting them fixed, because I can't afford to get them fixed....
Me and myself need to have a serious sit-down talk about my current situation and what I am going to do to get it fixed better for me and the kids. too many battles are just wearing me down and distracting me from the point of the dang war. again. UGH!!!
Atlas, it will get better. REally really. And when it does, you are going to Bloom!
(((hugs))) all round. We are some Tough Cookies!

 

[Friend of Atlas]

Atlas, it will get better. REally really. And when it does, you are going to Bloom!
(((hugs))) all round. We are some Tough Cookies!

Thanks for the encouragement. I know it will! It's definitely a cyclical thing for me. This time there were triggers that I thought I could handle, but sadly, I was mistaken... One, I lost my job in April after I walked away from another great job I knew I was Losing in March. Here's the story: brilliant me went and found another job (the one I lost in April) and left my great job that was going to pay amazing severance and a retention bonus to stay until the termination date (mar 31st). The job I got (nov '09) was great salary and bennies, but the corporate culture turned out to be one of fear and negativity.

They used a public 'Issue Log' for employees to identify and 'diagnose' other employee's and your own mistakes. Then if you had enough of the same types of mistakes logged your mistakes would be diagnosed in a 'Drill Down Meeting' that was supposed to discover the 'Root cause' of your errors! What a petty mine field of poison! Then there was the 'Feedback Log' not totally unlike the 'Issue Log', but you could leave positive feedback, which wasn't an option on the 'Issue Log'. Suffice it to say I did not receive much positive feedback. My manager was a horrid petty woman that looked like a shrew and did not condone talking or laughing. The first week I was there she yelled at me for speaking to a colleague in another department without consulting her first! I felt like a grade-schooler and imediately red flags started waving madly in my head! I was ......, but I cooled off and told her very calmly I didn't feel that yelling at me was professional - I should've IL'd her (issue logged her) HA. Oh yeah, there were acronyms for everthing. Flup was follow up... etc. So basically, that job destroyed my self-confidence. I really tried not to let it, but it got me and got me bad!

Then after I was mercifully let go, I re-injured my back really badly this time. I could barely walk for 3 weeks and other unmentionable things were almost impossible to accomplish. That didn't help - and that's basically when the full blown depression came roaring back. I didn't deal with it right away (denial) so things just got worse and that's how I got here today. I know it will get better, but this has been my worst bout of depression in 7 years (since the divorce) I almost thought I was semi-cured. Boy, was I wrong.

As soon as I can conquer this insomnia I think I will be on track to start really dealing with my lack of motivation. I think I will be able to say to myself 'Just get up and get that done' and actually follow through. I'm almost there... Last week I cleaned and re-organized the entire house, which has always been something I've found overwhelming, but I did it and now that it's done I know I'm making progress. AND quitting smoking in Oct was a hugely big deal for me. I really never thought I'd be able to. So since I've been on the meds I've done two things I thought were really hard (to the point of breaking me), but I got them done. So far, so good. Now to find another awesome job! That's the next hurtle. I need my self-confidence back to be successful at this next step. BUT being on ECF and talking to you folks has really helped with that. It's made me see all the things I have done. I'm not just a loser, I do have something to offer.

AND YOU'RE RIGHT: We are some tough cookies. We face this debilitating disease (that many people think means you're 'crazy') every minute and we are all here fighting back and trying to get better.

 

[jj2]

Atlas you have a great attitude. Nothing but success can come from that so don't ever lose it.

You're doing great!!!

 

[Nyxie]

That's a tough one, Nyxie. Short of moving away from your mother, you have to find a way to set the boundaries without hurting her feelings.

Sooo, when can you move? I would just like to say that would be the 'healthy' running IMHO...

Actually that was one suggestion of mine to the counselor and she didn't say it was a bad idea. She said that was probably a good option actually. I am working on mine and hubb's divorce credit so we can move to a bigger place with at least an acre. I had great credit until I got married the first time, I let him use mine and BAM! Bankruptcy. It is almost finally off my record though. Hubby's credit isn't terrible but he has never had much and what is there isn't great. His ex started running it up when she left so we will get there eventually. I am down to 200.00 left on his last divorce credit card. Too bad we didn't meet during the give everyone a mortgage time LOL.
So unless I ask my Mom to help us, and I refuse to do that at this time moving isnt an option. It is funny that she did offer to buy us an acre so that hubby can move his work stuff there. Since his heaps of crap in our back yard face the window in her family room. An acre where we are looking is currently about 30k. An acre with a decent mobile is 30k. She will not buy the one with the mobile, because she knows we will move there. I told her no thanks but I am looking anyway. She knows it is coming.

I've been down with the flu and missed a bunch! Nyxie... I think our mom's must have been seperated at birth or something. UGH!!!!!
(((hugs))) all round. We are some Tough Cookies!

I have a feeling there are a bunch of Mother's like ours, I seriously hope that I don't turn out like that . I wonder sometimes if I am because of how my oldest daughter is with me, but then I think I had her when I was 16 and although I did not go anywhere without her my Mom still had a big hand in helping to raise her. Maybe she is suffering from my Mom and not me as a Mom. She currently lives with my Mom too, her choice. She left at 18 because she was grown up ya know. The way she left was not nice to me, I told her she is always welcome on the couch here but I would not rearrange rooms for her if she came back. So my Mom had a spare room and there she is .
Yes we are a bunch of tough cookies arent we.

Thanks for the encouragement. I know it will!
AND YOU'RE RIGHT: We are some tough cookies. We face this debilitating disease (that many people think means you're 'crazy') every minute and we are all here fighting back and trying to get better.

Yep tough cookies. I am glad you are positive in that post! You will find a kick .... job.

Atlas you have a great attitude. Nothing but success can come from that so don't ever lose it.

You're doing great!!!

Yep exactly what I was thinking.

 

[jjrose]

LMAO - At least your ironic sense of humor is still intact. I'm glad the mascara wasn't running down your face!

I hope the meds work. Did the Dr that prescribed them schedule a follow up appt for you - to see how the meds are working?

Yep I'm scheduled for Dec 30...but ugh these make me feel yucky...nauseous, headache, soooooo tired...but I'm not crying yet. LOL...Maybe I'll lose a few pounds too icky feeling to eat.

 

[jjrose]

(((Atlas))) I probably would have had a total meltdown if I had a boss like that. Luckily I work for my hubby so I can tell him exactly how I feel...and do...all the time...
you guys have the best attitude about things, thank you.

 

[JerryRM]

Nyxie that's a smart thing to do, you don't want to accept any more help from your mother.

jjrose(I have to call you that here, so I don't confuse jj2, she confuses easily, lol). When I took anti-anxiety meds, they also made me tired. In a few days if you still have the other symptoms, contact your doctor, the dosage may need to be adjusted.

 

[jj2]

jjrose(I have to call you that here, so I don't confuse jj2, she confuses easily, lol).

Yes I do......

 

[Nighthawk]

oh yeah, the amount of crud we live through would cripple a 'sane' person. A dear friend of mine recently said I was 'the strongest person she's ever met' and that 'she was sorry I had to be'. Very sadly true. Sometimes I want to quit, but I don't know how, not for long anyway. I just try to get my children raised decently and survive each day. I don't see that as a huge virture or strength. I pray for peace for myself someday. After enough suffering, perhaps I will have earned it.
Don't mind me, I'm in a funk. read the private forum if interested...

 

[Nyxie]

You know, something weird is going on around here. I think I am gonna have a really nice Christmas and I feel weird about it. Why am I even worrying about this my therapist would say LOL. She would tell me to like it and stop worrying but I have not come that far yet. I am always the one who makes everyone else happy giving them stuff and then I get all disappointed because no one ever thinks of me the way I do them (co dependence issues LOL ). For instance , I will go out of my way to get someone something I know they will like or want and I get socks LOL. I am not use to receiving things, especially things I actually want LOL. I found out about 2 gifts already on accident. Both things I wanted. One is a massage table for my reiki treatments and the other is a back cracking device LOL. Tonight I know Dave bought me a piece of jewelry (not from the kmart 70% off sale either ) but that is a surprise because I didn't ask for any jewelry and I am not looking at the bank until after xmas to see how much it cost. He never tries to get me anything extra nice. Now I wonder (here we go) should I get him something else or just keep with what I have. Mine for him this year is not any comparison to what I know he got me already. But generally I get nothing notable. I really need to learn to stop this internal bickering.

 

[jj2]

Nyxie I know exactly where you are coming from. I spend all year long picking things up for hubby & the kids, and my granddaughter for Xmas. On top of that they make out a list and I work from that.
For years they'd have piles of presents in front of them and I'd have a couple. For some reason, a couple years ago, it must have dawned on them that things were out of whack. I always made out a list too and they actually got things from it!!! and I got things different from socks and sweatshirts (3/4 of those went to Goodwill) which mostly I didn't wear.
I also know something I'm getting (new radio/CD player for my car), and how I know is sort of funny but I'll tell that story later.

It's fun looking forward to it so sit back and enjoy the ride!!!

 

[Nyxie]

Nyxie I know exactly where you are coming from.
It's fun looking forward to it so sit back and enjoy the ride!!!

I am glad I am not alone feeling this way LOL.
Last year I wanted to yell at all of them. I have this huge stocking that came with a gift from etoys for the baby. I told them this was my stocking and it better be full LOL I hung up my old stocking and the huge one was put to the side. They knew I was kidding. So they were thoughtful enough to stuff it with things like coffee beans , jiffy pop (can't eat popcorn) socks, etc etc. The thing was I got nothing else memorable or anything I wanted. Except I have a great memory of the BIG Stocking being full , unfortunately the memory is a crappy one. So I was a bit disappointed, in hubby more then anyone, since the kids were/are still not really able to buy things without our help. I think they all saw how I was disappointed and are trying harder this yr. This goes on with every occasion , not just Christmas. It came to thier attention finally after I went on a rant, that I never ask for things, unless they have to do with the house. Ie .. dishwasher , dryer etc... I stressed over buying myself an ipad like device because I thought maybe I should wait for it as a gift for some occasion. I finally just bought it when I knew that I would have to buy my own gift I wanted anyway. I called it my 6 month smoke free gift.
Bonus daughter this yr has a Saturday job, so she has had a great time trying to get everyone something this yr. I am proud of her, not waiting til the last day and whining she has no money. I made sure to tell her I was proud of her too. The jewelry item was her idea, she called him to the mall and told him to buy it for me. She got mad at him when he didn't leave me home. she made me go look elsewhere in the mall while they were shopping.

My bio Daughter is 14 and she told him she wanted to get me something that I wanted finally. That was the back cracking thing, unfortunately they were logged into my amazon account and they sent me the shipping notice. Once he saw I have a wish list and found out how to get to it with bio kids help. He saw the massage table and well of course that will benefit him as well. I didn't know about that until the fed ex person dropped it at the door , ooops.
I think I will just stop stressing and enjoy my new toys.