kidneys, pain, & ~shrug~

[Antwoord]

Umm, I'm not sure how to say what I want to, or ask, or anything really. I have kidney pain almost daily, my back has been screwed up since I was in junior high, and my therapist + a girlfriend with an autistic son have wanted to diagnose me with aspergers. I love her son. I can relate to him quite well. The therapist changed her mind a little after noticing that I was quite perceptive of how people feel....so ~shrug~

When I was 4 years old I knew everything there was to know about dinosaurs. I loved them. Later in life I knew I was different, couldn't really fit in, liked to rock back and forth a little to calm myself down, and the mounting social pressure in school pushed me further outside. I found drugs, and they made me feel pretty normal. I actually consciously thought that if I could kill enough brain cells I might be happier. Personally, and now, regretfully, I think it worked. That's where the kidney problems come from.

I'm clean now, have been since 2005. I got hepatitis C when I was 18 years old, got it treated when I was 23 and it has been undetectable for 8 years or so. I got hepatitis b on top of that because I tried to give an old vehicle to a 16 year old addict after I got a new car, and nearly died. I had total liver/kidney failure for a week in 2005. I have a 30 percent chance of getting liver cancer because of both diseases, and the year long treatment...I think. I'm quite happy to have quit analogs, but first I had to find e-cigs so I'm grateful as hell for these things.

My left kidney has been hurting almost every day recently, and since 2005 there is still some bilirubin in my urine. It sinks right to the bottom of a toilet bowl, reminds me of how I smelled in the hospital, and it scares me a little. The last time I went to the Dr everything checked out fine, but I just don't think it is fine. If I have just one drink I can end up in quite a bit of pain. Also I have chronic back pain. I don't take any medications, not even aspirin, but if I seem a little off from time to time, these may be the reasons why.

Only recently have I even entertained the thought that I might live long enough to raise a kid or anything like that so if my perception of my past seems a little detached that may be one reason why. I'm all for making sure everyone is getting something healthier out of vaping as opposed to smoking.

I suppose I'd like to ask if there are any health care professionals out there reading this, if they have any input on my kidney pain. I'm going to be going back to the doctor soon enough, but I think it's good to have other input.

Since I've divulged this much information I may actually disappear from the forums. I wish I had a label that could give me some comfort, but all I've got are drug addict, ex-smoker, and might be aspergers but probably just a severe lack of social skills. One guy tried to say I had schizoid personality disorder but my therapist shot that down pretty quick because I love making art, writing, cooking, and roller coasters. I also enjoy extremely logical things like computer programming.....but the problem is that I have to be in the right place emotionally. It has been tough trying to graduate college.

Thanks for any feedback
Happy vaping

 

[jj2]

Antwood, I'm not in the medical profession but I hope someone comes along and responds to your request.

I would say you have had some trials and tribulations in your life time---even if some have been self-inflicted. There's not many on this forum that hasn't done something harmful to themselves. Maybe not drugs, but something in some kind of degree.
Just because you made some mistakes in your younger years, don't be ashamed of yourself. It sounds like you have done what a lot of people haven't---pulled yourself up by the bootstraps.
Congrats on graduation from college---that is quite an accomplishment since I get the feeling you did it pretty much on your own.
And please, don't disappear, I think you are a great addition to the forum and who knows, your experience just might help the next person who needs a shoulder to lean on.

Let us know what the doctor says.

 

[Nighthawk]

Heya Antwoord! First of all, you're doing great! You have overcome and survived a LOT. Hang in there. We're rooting for ya!
I am very glad you're headed to the dr. You need to get your liver checked as well as the kidneys. The back pain may be refered pain from either the kidneys or liver or somewhere else entirely. possibly a kidney stone bouncing around too. gotta have lab work done. It is always good to take a list of what you want to talk about to the dr. often they are in such a dang hurry, it's easy to leave out a symptom or question. Get your $'s worth from the dr!
We've all got lables that could be applied, but know that you are MUCH more than the sum of your 'failures'. I tell people not to look at my lifes' scars and feel sorry for me, but be amazed at what I have overcome. you are blessed to be here, and others are blessed to have you in their lives. We are here for you and don't be afraid to speak. If you have more private issues, we have a by invitation only subforum here for you to let it out on. Please do let us know how you are doing and what the tests said. (((hugs)))

 

[Sdh]

Hello Antwoord!

I am a nurse. My advise...go to your primary doctor please. I could tell you all the things it could/may be. However, that would not be fair to you.

If you need to talk to someone about asperger's-I am here. I can say I have researched this. My son who is 23 has been diagnosed with this from one psych -the other one said he only had the symptoms. A regular therapists cannot diagnose. In addition, it does not matter one way or the other. One will know if they have this syndrome.

If you need any information or want to ask questions please ask me. You can ask here or pm me.
Please see a doctor soon....

 

[Automaton]

Hello Antwoord.

I'm afraid I can't help you with your medical problems, other than to say what others have suggested - go to the doctor. And keep going until they take you seriously.

But I will say this. Don't be ashamed of yourself. Not ever.

You know why I think so many people, you and I both included, go through periods of such mental anguish? Why people start smoking and doing drugs? Why people kill themselves?

Because we are taught to be ashamed of who we are, and what we've been through in life. We have to be normal. We have to be flawless. We have to hide. We're taught to hide and hate ourselves for the "weakness" of being human until we explode. Which is insane, because you've displayed the strength of being human as well, by getting your life back together.

In the Success Stories section, as well as here, I have an admission to having a psychotic episode, multiple psych diagnoses, and other miscellaneous stuff that most people don't want out there about themselves.

Why?

Because I KNOW there are other people out there who have, either presently or in the past, gone through the same thing. And I KNOW they feel alone. And I KNOW how much pressure there is to hide it, and just let yourself silently suffer.

More particularly, I know there are more smokers like that than in the general population. Those suffering from some type of mental illness make up 15% of the population, but 50% of cigarette sales. Half the people in this forum know... whether they admit it or not.

Smokers are the rich, the poor, the extremely intelligent, and the somewhat slow. Those are the people who smoke. Your average suburban Joe with average intelligence is the least likely person to smoke. So I know they're out there. I know I'm not alone. My PM box confirms it.

Have I been attacked for that admission by vicious people? Yes.

But I won't let myself be shamed for being human, let alone for being strong. You shouldn't either. You aren't alone here, and let vicious people think what they will. Why should anyone care what they think, anyway? They're probably envious that you have the balls to admit what they can't, and to free yourself from having to hide.

Your admission is important. Not only does it free you, but it gives someone who is still silent the knowledge that they aren't alone. And maybe someday, if they see enough people admitting it, they can free themselves too.

Please, don't leave.

 

[Nighthawk]

Mistress Nomad, I take my hat off to you! You have said it most eliquently, and I could not agree with you more on each and every point! Much love & (((HUGS))) you are WonderWoman in my book!

 

[FieryOne]

Antwoord, you are an asset here on the forum and I meant what I said in my last PM to you. Kudo's to you for sharing your story, you are helping people in doing so. Do go see a dr, and make them understand you don't feel right and want their help.