Laughter is the best medicine
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Does Your Campground Have a BC?
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.
After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.
I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Old , but funny:
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldnt say a word.
She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldnt say a word.
She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
In the year 2110 and Edd and his tall athletic blonde girlfriend, Adia, land on Mars after Edd is able to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to the descendants of Al Gore. With the proceeds, Edd buys a space ship to show his lovely girl the time of her life. On Mars, they meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Edd asks if Mars has any bridges, if they have tablet computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Adia brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Adia.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Adia and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Adia.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"I can remedy that!" he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That is much better, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"Of course you prefer girth as well" he grins, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Edd asks "Well, was yours any good?"
"I have to say," says Adia, “it was pretty wonderful. How about you, Edd?"
“It was horrible," he replies, “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Adia.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Adia and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Adia.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"I can remedy that!" he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That is much better, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"Of course you prefer girth as well" he grins, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Edd asks "Well, was yours any good?"
"I have to say," says Adia, “it was pretty wonderful. How about you, Edd?"
“It was horrible," he replies, “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
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The Torture of Edd:
Edd is out in the Virginia wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. He was out in hopes of ‘finding himself’ after another personal setback in his romantic life. Now, all he can find is more trees. It's been weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees in the elements. One afternoon he comes upon an old plantation in the woods. It has vines covering much of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney promising that someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an older man answers, with a grizzled beard and a surly demeanor. The old man squints his eyes and says "My name is Xfoo, and what do you want?"
Edd says "I've been lost for the past several weeks and haven't had a decent meal or night’s sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Virginian says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my daughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I am too exhausted for sex. I am too hungry to summon the energy. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning with no drama"
The old man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst tortures ever known to man."
"Okay, yeah, whatever" Edd said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Surely this woman would not be tall, athletic, nor blonde. Despite his checkered past with regards to controlling himself around women, he had no doubt that he would fulfill his promise to the weird old grouch.
That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering and shaving), he saw how mistaken about the daughter he was. She was nearly six feet tall, with big pretty green eyes, a full set of inviting lips, and long silky blonde hair. He had only been lost for a couple of weeks, but it had been many months without companionship after his girl dumped him for his juvenile, meandering and womanizing ways. The girl had only seen the occasional hillbilly visitor besides her father. Once he had cleaned up, Edd made for a dashing and handsome picture of a man. They both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. As the wine flowed with the tasty dinner, Edd knew his rather poor self control would be put to the test.
That night, Edd tossed and turned. He could not stop thinking about that delightful tall athletic blonde. He finally snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had (with some difficulty) kept the noise down to a minimum. Edd crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three tortures would be a reasonable price for that experience." He chuckled at his own cleverness, confident he had pulled a fast one on the old sap.
The next morning Edd awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this large rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st torture: 50 pound rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture!" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out with a snicker. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd torture: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle."
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd torture: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost.”
Edd is out in the Virginia wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. He was out in hopes of ‘finding himself’ after another personal setback in his romantic life. Now, all he can find is more trees. It's been weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees in the elements. One afternoon he comes upon an old plantation in the woods. It has vines covering much of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney promising that someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an older man answers, with a grizzled beard and a surly demeanor. The old man squints his eyes and says "My name is Xfoo, and what do you want?"
Edd says "I've been lost for the past several weeks and haven't had a decent meal or night’s sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Virginian says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my daughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I am too exhausted for sex. I am too hungry to summon the energy. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning with no drama"
The old man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst tortures ever known to man."
"Okay, yeah, whatever" Edd said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Surely this woman would not be tall, athletic, nor blonde. Despite his checkered past with regards to controlling himself around women, he had no doubt that he would fulfill his promise to the weird old grouch.
That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering and shaving), he saw how mistaken about the daughter he was. She was nearly six feet tall, with big pretty green eyes, a full set of inviting lips, and long silky blonde hair. He had only been lost for a couple of weeks, but it had been many months without companionship after his girl dumped him for his juvenile, meandering and womanizing ways. The girl had only seen the occasional hillbilly visitor besides her father. Once he had cleaned up, Edd made for a dashing and handsome picture of a man. They both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. As the wine flowed with the tasty dinner, Edd knew his rather poor self control would be put to the test.
That night, Edd tossed and turned. He could not stop thinking about that delightful tall athletic blonde. He finally snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had (with some difficulty) kept the noise down to a minimum. Edd crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three tortures would be a reasonable price for that experience." He chuckled at his own cleverness, confident he had pulled a fast one on the old sap.
The next morning Edd awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this large rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st torture: 50 pound rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture!" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out with a snicker. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd torture: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle."
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd torture: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost.”
Jeez, so THAT'S what that was all about. I thought my ex was crazy.
Subject: The Purina diet--have a great day!
I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.
So, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind me.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned being on the diet the first time. I told her no;
I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from
laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.
To heck with youth! Let's hunt for a fountain of smart!
I used to have a Labrador retriever & was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart, waiting in the check-out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time. But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.
So, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, especially a tall heavy man behind me.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned being on the diet the first time. I told her no;
I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
The tall guy nearly had to stagger out of the store, oxygen-depleted from
laughter. I paid for the food and left a lot of smiles behind me.
To heck with youth! Let's hunt for a fountain of smart!
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
.
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you!
.
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
.
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew
she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.
.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
.
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you!
.
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
.
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew
she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.
This one will have you ROFL, LOL!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip....,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-*ITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I .... myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip....,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-*ITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I .... myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
ATTITUDE
A man and his wife are getting ready for bed. He takes off his pants, thinks for a minute, then offers his trousers to his wife,
"Let me see you try these on."
Unsure of what he's up to, the wife takes his trousers and tries them on. As soon as she lets go of the waist the trousers fall down around her ankles. Raising them up over her hips, she tries again- this time cinching the belt as far as it will tighten. But the man's trousers again fall around her ankles.
"I can't wear these." she remarks.
"That's Right ! I'M the Man and I wear the pants around here !" He triumphantly proclaims.
She pauses to think for just a moment, then begins to take off her panties.
"Let me see you try these on." she cooes sweetly.
The man tries to get one leg into the panties but the stritching begins to give way. As he tries to put his second foot through the panties tear apart.
"I can't get into these !" He states as he tears off the remaining pieces.
"And you're not going to until your attitude changes !" she replies.
A man and his wife are getting ready for bed. He takes off his pants, thinks for a minute, then offers his trousers to his wife,
"Let me see you try these on."
Unsure of what he's up to, the wife takes his trousers and tries them on. As soon as she lets go of the waist the trousers fall down around her ankles. Raising them up over her hips, she tries again- this time cinching the belt as far as it will tighten. But the man's trousers again fall around her ankles.
"I can't wear these." she remarks.
"That's Right ! I'M the Man and I wear the pants around here !" He triumphantly proclaims.
She pauses to think for just a moment, then begins to take off her panties.
"Let me see you try these on." she cooes sweetly.
The man tries to get one leg into the panties but the stritching begins to give way. As he tries to put his second foot through the panties tear apart.
"I can't get into these !" He states as he tears off the remaining pieces.
"And you're not going to until your attitude changes !" she replies.
I'm too lazy to type a long one...
Two nuns walk into a bar.... The third one ducks.
Two nuns walk into a bar.... The third one ducks.
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