Make us Laugh!!!

[analog]

158 posts in before our first repeat, not bad! (sorry n00b, granted it was old ladies instead of hair shades, but still...)

Q: When did Anakin's Jedi teachers know he was going bad?
ctrl+A
A: In the Sith Grade.

 

[n00b]

158 posts in before our first repeat, not bad! (sorry n00b, granted it was old ladies instead of hair shades, but still...)

Crap. Well Thats what I get for not reading.every.single.post.

 

[analog]

Oh I only noticed it because I thought it was funny, I'm just grillin' ya. But now you're posting without jokes, that is unnacceptab...naw, still just grillin' ya!

Why did the ewok fall out of the tree?
ctrl+A
it was dead

 

[Chloe Bruissardt]

Good grief, I don't have time read all of these posts, so hope this isn't already in here.

Two guys are at a rooftop bar. One says "The updraft is so good here, I can jump off, and I will be blown right back on top of this roof." The other guy says, "Let's see it." So the first guy jumps, falls halfway down, and sure enough, gets blown right back up to to the top and lands on the roof.

The other guy says, "Wow, I gotta try that!", and jumps. Splat, on the pavement.

The first guy snickers, then goes to the bar for another drink. The bartender says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman."

 

[Chloe Bruissardt]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra............

Ha! Now that's one I can remember!

 

[GNNR]

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

 

[twoskinsoneman]

Great jokes.
And thanks to everyone who spoke up against the Political-Correctness-"I'm offended"-Nazis trying to ruin Americas fun.
Especially you Morandir. I really think you get it.
Anyway I wish I could make those guys sit down and watch 11 straight seasons of South Park... Maybe they wouldn't take themselves so seriously.

Ms. Michelle I can't agree with you on that, everything can be made fun of. There are no boundaries in comedy....

Here's my joke: (my nine year old told it to me )

Two peas were sitting in a microwave.
One turns to the other and says "Man it's getting hot in here..."
The other one screams "Holy Crap! A talking pea!"

 

[twoskinsoneman]

What is blue and smells like red paint?
.
.
.
.
.
Blue paint.

 

[GNNR]

This one is for leaford:
Confucius say: Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient.

 

[n00b]

Here's my joke: (my nine year old told it to me )

Two peas were sitting in a microwave.
One turns to the other and says "Man it's getting hot in here..."
The other one screams "Holy Crap! A talking pea!"

I don't know why but I found this super funny. I think the best part is the exclamation "Holy Crap!" you take those two words out it falls flat.

Insert Obligatory Joke Here
Q: What's the most successful pickup line ever?
A: "Does this smell like chloroform?"

 

[analog]

Chloroform leads to battered women.
Battered Women?
and to think I've been eating them plain my whole life!

 

[GNNR]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
name was 'One stone.'
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him One stone. After
years and years of torment, One stone finally cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me One stone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, One stone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that One stone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw One stone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, One stone."
One stone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????...........................

OH, Come on...take a guess!
Think about it...
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is...


You can't kill two birds with one stone!
__________________

 

[shooter59]

So I am sure you all read that the inventor of the teleprompter died.

At the funeral...No one knew what to say.

 

[GNNR]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

 

[GNNR]

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

 

[samuraijill]

A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.

Ha!!!!!!!!!!

 

[GNNR]

Don't beat me up on this one...remember it's just a joke.

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

 

[FreakyStylie]

I seem to remember something about bananas quite some time ago . . .

 

[GNNR]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

 

[Gardner808]

On a dark, rainy night a salesman was driving up a backwoods road and runs out of gas. He got out of his car and walked over to a house where he saw a light was on. He rang the doorbell but got no response. He then knocked on the door with no response.

He walked around the house to where the light was coming from and looked into the living room window. There he saw, on one side of the room, a topless woman playing with her breasts. Across the room he saw a man holding an umbrella and .........ing. He decided not to bother these strange people and try a different house.

He walked further up the road and knocked on the door of the next house he saw. A woman answered the door and he told her he was out of gas and asked to use her phone. While she was walking to the phone he mentioned what he had just seen, and what a strange pair of neighbors she had.

She said, "Oh you must have been at the Johnsons' house. They aren't strange at all. They are just deaf and mute. She was telling him to go milk the cows and he was responding "effe you it's raining!"