Make us Laugh!!!

[Evie Luv]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

 

[Evie Luv]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall and looks to be in pain. The owner asks the his blonde cashier, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

She says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

The sweet girl says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he isn't coughing!”

The owner says, "Because he is afraid too!!!

 

[redempti0N]

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[redempti0N]

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

 

[Evie Luv]

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, “That’s once.”

Then it stumbled again. He said, “That’s twice.”

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead.

His new wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, “That’s once.”

 

[Evie Luv]

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”

To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”

 

[Evie Luv]

Two dumb blondes were driving down the road.

The dumb blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.

So the dumb blonde looks out the window and says, ”Yes. No. Yes. No.”

 

[Evie Luv]

One day, at a bus stop there was a woman who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed she was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The woman turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my pants three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

 

[VpnDrgn]

Edna is watching the news one afternoon, where they are showing someone driving the wrong way down I-59.
Knowing that her husband has to drive that way to get home she gives him a call. When he answers she immediately
asks him where he is. "I am on I-59" he says, sounding kinda stressed out. "Oh George" she cries, "be very careful,
the news says there is one person driving the wrong way on I-59."....

"One!!" George yells, "Hell, they're ALL going the wrong way!"

 

[VpnDrgn]

What does it say about me that I have a hard time remembering jokes that are safe
for public consumption?
....

Joe is a member of a parrot rescue shelter and one day he adopts a pair of male parrots
that had belonged to a priest that had recently passed away. Nobody else would adopt the
parrots because all they did all day long was pray, non stop. They even had little rosary
beads , so all you heard was click click click as they prayed continuously.

After a month of this Joe was at his wits end, nothing he could come up with would distract
the two parrots from constantly praying.

One day one of his cop friends tells him about two female parrots that were confiscated
in a raid. Joe figures maybe female parrots would finally distract the two males from their
praying. He brings them home in a covered cage and of course the two males hadn't even
noticed him come in.

He pulled off the cover and after one look at the males both females start preening and
one of them says "Hey boys, wanna have a party?"

Both males jerked their heads up startled to stare at the females. Finally, one of them
nudges the other and says "Put away the beads Jeb, our prayers have been answered!!"

 

[leaford]

What does it say about me that I have a hard time remembering jokes that are safe
for public consumption?
....

Joe is a member of a parrot rescue shelter and one day he adopts a pair of male parrots
that had belonged to a priest that had recently passed away. Nobody else would adopt the
parrots because all they did all day long was pray, non stop. They even had little rosary
beads , so all you heard was click click click as they prayed continuously.

After a month of this Joe was at his wits end, nothing he could come up with would distract
the two parrots from constantly praying.

One day one of his cop friends tells him about two female parrots that were confiscated
in a raid. Joe figures maybe female parrots would finally distract the two males from their
praying. He brings them home in a covered cage and of course the two males hadn't even
noticed him come in.

He pulled off the cover and after one look at the males both females start preening and
one of them says "Hey boys, wanna have a party?"

Both males jerked their heads up startled to stare at the females. Finally, one of them
nudges the other and says "Put away the beads Jeb, our prayers have been answered!!"

I like that one.

 

[VpnDrgn]

It all began with an iPhone . . .
In March, my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it.
Who wouldn't?

In July, I celebrated my birthday and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came along so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.

It was around about then that the fight started . . . What my wife clearly failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.



I am in recovery now and they tell me I should be out of the hospital in 3 to 4 weeks... iHurt

 

[xoYOmamaox]

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.


The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license, please?"


"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."



"Pet fish?"


"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."



"What a line of horse sh-t....you're under arrest . The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"



"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"



The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"



"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.



The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"



"Call who back?"



"The FISH," replied the warden!



"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.



MORAL OF THE STORY: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

 

[xoYOmamaox]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper

 

[VpnDrgn]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Corryong
back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived over an hour late and saw that the funeral bloke had
evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and
apologized
to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place and earth covered most of it. I didn't know what else to
do,
so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to
gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family
and
friends. I played like I've never played before for this poor, homeless
man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I ain't never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I was still lost...

 

[xoYOmamaox]

Her diary / His diary

More Truth than Fiction




Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at
a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long,
so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked
him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He
smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know
why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had
lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just
sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

 

[xoYOmamaox]

HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used

size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and

magazines.

4. Splash a little watered down rusty red paint on the

sidewalk.

5. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and

messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell

from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside

 

[xoYOmamaox]

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like
Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like
and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama
call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with
tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman


Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat
in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink,
who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of
the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the
Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman

 

[xoYOmamaox]

"Cops sent me a picture of me speeding through a red light so I sent them a picture of a check. Hope we're even.."

 

[hs3000]

A shame this is on the 2nd page, here's one for ya...

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.