Did not die. House purchase is coming along, dude, husband took over. My day was fine except the intermittent crying fits between sessions. I SO DON'T MISS THOSE A BIT. No more clonidine ever I don't think.
Anyway I decided to come clean with the husband about my cool new Ambien taper which consisted of like 1/3 Ambien about 7 Benadryl and 30 mg of like, melatonin and clonidine and I still got like 5 hours sleep. I get so anxious about sleeping and whatnot and winding up in the psych unit and I would go into the woods and OD quietly before I went back in one so like, TRAUMA around sleeping is like worse than actually not sleeping I am my own worst enemy. So I was like, "Huh, this is HORRIBLY unhealthy in every possible way, WAY unhealthier than a dang Ambien would be I am guessing." So I texted him my "night on the couch." He is the best sometimes he was like on the phone with my doc and he was like.... DOC (he saw this doc too) c'mon you KNOW Anna she is freaking out the one doc who said YES on the phone was magically "full" and turned her away on Monday. YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, So they agreed on a plan that would like, not involve me and involve me signing releases and between my doc and an insurance case manager something will be arranged,
So, my doc was like, She could try the over the counter stuff? And my husband read him my text including my disinclination to live and he was like, "Oh." Then he was like, "Maybe she is tapering too fast" and my husband was like, "She feels like she has no choice.... you send her emails that say, "Your insurance would only pay for X number of X until X date, so you better plan on tapering faster than you were." Like, what, exactly, is she supposed to TAKE from that? Etc. I don't think he wanted to tell my doc I was suicidal or nothing I mean, he could file a petition he is good thinking that way because I would become so unhinged and violent (not purposefully but psych units are not good) and I don't have a 7 year old to rescue this time around, in fact the 24 year old I have just sent me a text about how we had nothing in common and he hated me pretty much but he was grateful for all I did when I was his mom. Yeah I answered as neutrally as I could that I respected his beliefs and could still love him despite our disagreements like, and it was not uncommon to like, have that type of situation at our current ages and we might get along better once we were, you know, older. I called my mom for a mom moment and told her ALLLL about it and she was like, "Oh, gosh, that must have hurt your feelings." Then she told me I was a great mom. I was like, "Apparently not if I have not demonstrated to my child that love is less important than ideology."
Anyway, she said I was a great mom and my feelings were hurt and it was so, factually true, because I really do ADORE my kid and I would never have expected it out of my mom, it was an unexpectedly accurate evaluation about how I was feeling and I told her all the kid ages and stages I missed, and how it was sad and lonely, and she told me being a mom is perpetually missing your kids, and she missed me at age 4 and my older brother when he stopped running away as a toddler and how your kids grow up and you miss them at ALL their ages, and how she missed us being babies, and i was like, dang this lady be benefitting from the Sufism. Then she said, "Wait for the grandkids," and I sniffled and said, "Well, I will always have Snickers (my son's dog) she is the only dog I genuinely adore, and she loves me right back." So, eh.
The only other thing of note was voter last minute Josha calls and my extremely emotionally disinhibited responses to and get me banned.
Anna
