Really Really Bad Jokes

[New Year quitter]

Myra Hindley and a little boy are walking across the moors late one night.
The little boy looks up at Hindley and says, "I'm scared, i don't like the dark."
Hindley looks at the boy and says, "How do you think i feel, I've got to walk home on my own."8-o

 

[New Year quitter]

An English, an Irishman and a Scotsman are at a party talking about how stupid their wives are.
The Englishman says, "My wife is so dumb, today she spent a thousand pounds on fresh meat, and we don't even gave a freezer."
The Scotsman says, "That's nothing, my wife blew seventy grand on a Merc last week and she can't even drive."
The Irishman, looking really smug, says, "Fellas, that's nothing. My wife is going away on a business trip next week, she's taking five packs of condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a d i c k."

 

[New Year quitter]

A man is standing in a queue at the post office. A few places in front of him he notices an attractive blonde. The blonde turns and waves at him. He thinks I'm sure I know her from somewhere, but I can't remember where from.
A minute later she again turns to him and waves. So he approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, love, but do you know me from somewhere?"
The blonde says, "Yeah, you're the father of one of my children."
He remembers back to the only time he ever cheated on his wife and says, "Oh yeah, now I remember, you were the stripper I had sex with on the pool table at my mates Stag Party. I especially enjoyed it when you smeared cream on my nipples and stuck a cucumber up my backside."
Looking mortified, the blonde says, "I'm you're son's English teacher."

 

[e-pipeman]

New Year Quitter - ROFL!

 

[Franco]

Why did the number six eat the number seven? Because seven eight nine!

Why did the letter F blow himself up? Because G had! (Jihad!)

I'll get my coat!

 

[K-Sound Krew]

What sexual position causes children to be ugly?




............

 

[youfillintheblank]

John and Irene are living in the old folk's home. Irene has had a crush on old John since he arrived, so one day, she borrowed a sexy nightie from her great granddaughter, waited till everyone went to bed, she snuck into John's room and tapped him on the shoulder. When he woke up, she pulled the nightie off over her head and exclaimed "Super Pu*sy!"

John took one look at her and said "I'll have the soup"

 

[youfillintheblank]

Since Pavarotti has died, the members of the Three Tenors have changed their name to 20 quid.

 

[Bellinghamster]

No Fair! Some of these are actually really good!

Back to topic:

Q. Where is PureSmoker.com located?

A. MeReCaSH MaNoR!

(Reference for those who don't watch animal planet)
Meerkat Manor - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Trumpybloke]

Walking thru the park one day little Johnny sees two dogs going for it ... he asks his dad what they are doing "well Johnny they love each other very much and are making puppies"
Johnny was pretty happy with this explanation so life went on as normal for a few weeks , until one sunday morning he gets up a little early and heads into his parents bedroom ... Mum and Dad are pounding away when they hear a wee voice " What are you doing Dad?......"
Instant Contraception !!!!
Dad slides off mum and pats the bed so Johnny can join them for the talk his dad has been dreading .... "Well you see son when a man and a woman love each other very much they do what we were doing and hopefully if they do it right you will get a baby sister"
Johnny ponders this for a minute then looks dad square in the eye...
" Can you turn her over Dad? I reckon I'd prefer a puppy !!! "

 

[CssReb]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for ....... After careful
consideration by a team of

government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the
generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin,
Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that ...... will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

'MOUNT & DO'.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and ...... today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely NOrecollection of what to do with them.

 

[Northern Bob]

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

NB (ducking & running)

 

[Northern Bob]

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For )&#$@ sake, you ****er, it's 2am in the ^%$ing morning!!"

NB (still running)

 

[SilverBraids]

Baby seal walks into a club. It's ruled as a suicide.

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Muslim all walk into a bar. Bartender looks up at them and says, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrup.....
MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*Told while walking into an elevator full of stranges with my best friend*
...and so the duck says, "That's not MY bill!"
*varaint...*
"...and so the gear shifter went straight up his... his um...." "Rectum?" "Wrecked 'em, Hell! Killed em both!"

 

[ritalee76]

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?



Eragh-ghya-rualah-rualah

BRA HA HA HA ... That's the best one evah!

 

[ritalee76]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your doorstep?

Matt

What do you call the same guy having a swim?
Bob

What do you call a girl with one arm and one leg "standing" in your doorway?

Aileen (i lean har har)



What do you call nuts on the wall?
Walnuts
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on your chin?
A d*ck in your mouth!

Hey! Do you remember your first blowjob? (to a guy)...
(wait for the grin..)
Tasted like sh*t didn't it!

 

[surbitonPete]

A Bear walks up to one of those E-cigarette kiosks in a shopping mall ....and says 'I want one of those starter kits'.....the guy in the kiosk thinks to himself this will be a good chance to make a bit of extra money out of a stupid Bear.....and says..... That will be $500 please sir'...... and adds.....'I must say we don't get many Bears coming in here wanting to try vaping'...........

The Bear says.......'I am not suprised with the prices you charge!!'

 

[CandyGirl]

Man of the House


The husband had just finished reading a book entitled " You Can Be The Man of Your House". He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands and fluff my pillows and make me comfortable for a good night's sleep. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ?"

The wife replied,

"The funeral director would be my first guess! "

 

[youfillintheblank]

Oh no.....the arms n legs jokes.......sigh

what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in your mailbox?

Bill

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your doorstep?

Matt

What do you call the same guy having a swim?
Bob

What do you call a girl with one arm and one leg "standing" in your doorway?

Aileen (i lean har har)



What do you call nuts on the wall?
Walnuts
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on your chin?
A d*ck in your mouth!

Hey! Do you remember your first blowjob? (to a guy)...
(wait for the grin..)
Tasted like sh*t didn't it!

 

[taukimada]

a man is sitting on his couch watching a football game.....

every 5 minutes his wife steps out of the kitchen and yells at him...

what did he do wrong??







he made the chain too long