Really Really Bad Jokes

[DCrist721]

Ok, so I was on a plane on my way back from Florida last week and the pilot comes on the loud speaker to tell us that we'll be experiencing some mild turbulence and to fasten our seat belts. You could then hear him say to the co-pilot, "I could really use a blow-job and some coffee right now." One of the stewardesses goes running up to the front to tell the pilot that the speaker system is still on, when this old guy shouts out, "don't forget the coffee!"

 

[gashin]

How was copper wire invented?















Two jews were pulling on a penny

 

[Northern Bob]

This one is for Northern Bob:

2 Canadians are out ice fishing, they aren’t getting a bite so they decide to play 20 questions.
One guy takes a moment to think, the first thing to pop in his head is “moose c0ck”

His friend’s first question is
“Is it something you can eat?”
The guy takes a moment to think and giggles
“Sure I guess you could eat it”
The friend asks
“Ay, Is it moose c0ck?”

Heh heh (groan) Here's one right back at you:

A teacher asks her students if they're Boston Red Sox fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

"The Yankees."

"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Yankee fans, so I'm a Yankee fan too."

"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both ......, would you be a ..... too?"

"No, that would make me a Red Sox fan!"

NB

 

[K-Sound Krew]

"No, that would make me a Red Sox fan!"

NB

That's actually good

 

[K-Sound Krew]

A polish couple are sitting in the living room watching tv with the kids

The wife turns to the husband and says

"Hey hun do you want to send the kids outside to P....L....A....Y.... so we can ...?"

 

[K-Sound Krew]

OK 2 more for NB

A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fishing off the cost of New Brunswick, they both spot a bottle of Molson floating in the water, they both lunge for it and begin to fight over the bottle.
In the midst of their struggle the bottle breaks and a genie appears, he says he will give each of them one wish

The guy from Quebec says he wants a giant wall 100 ft high and 100ft deep erected around Quebec to keep the merde out of his city, like this stupid anglophone ciboire from Ontario

The genie says “your wish is granted”
The genie turns to the guy from Ontario and says and what is your wish?

He says
“That wall you just put around Quebec; is it a solid wall all the way around? Theres no way to get in or out; right”

The genie says “why yes it’s a solid wall all the way around the city”

The guy from Ontario says
“Fill it up with water, ay”


2 Canadians are stranded on a lifeboat, one of them spy’s a bottle floating in the water and picks it up and uncorks it, just as this happens a genie appears and says he will grant him one wish.
Without even thinking the Canadian says he wants the entire ocean to turn into beer.

The genie grants the wish and disappears in a cloud of smoke

The other Canadian turns to the guy and says
“You idiot now we’re going to have to pee in the boat”

 

[ChadmanMn]

Not really a joke, more of an anecdote.

A four year old little girl runs in the house and says "MOM! I just ate an ant!".

The mother composes herself and says "and how was that dear?".

"Disgusting... tasted just like a cricket"

Saw it in Readers Digest back before the interwebs, still cracks me up.

 

[Northern Bob]

Ok, last one for K-Sound....

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".
"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.
"I hope you won't mind my asking," said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"
"Well," replied the Canadian gentlman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."

The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"

"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.

The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?" The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'

NB

 

[youfillintheblank]

So a guy wanders into a bar, and notices the piano in the corner. He asks the bar owner "do you have live music?" the bar owner says "we used to, but our piano player got really sick and we don't know when he'll be back" the man says "In that case I'd like to audition, i've been playing piano since I was 5" The bar owner has him sit down at the piano, and the man plays the most beautiful song the bar owner ever heard. the owner says "that was great, what was that called?" man says "I wrote it, it's called I'm gonna .... you til your eyes pop out" the owner is shocked, but not not completely repulsed, so he asks the man to play something else. he plays an even better song than the first, the owner inquires "did you write that one too?" the man says "yep, it's called I wanna jerk off in your face"
the owner is puzzled, but offers the man the job with one condition "you must never tell anyone the names of your songs, they might be really offended"

so on his first night the man is having a great time, everybody loves the songs, people are buying him drinks and he's getting a little drunk and has to use the bathroom. so he excuses himself for 2 minutes, but when he comes out, he forgets to do up his pants. The owner rushes over to him and says

"hey man, do you know your zipper's open and your d*ck is hanging out?"

the man says "of course I do, I wrote it!"

 

[K-Sound Krew]

One last Canadian joke

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

This lady has had way too many drinks at the local bar.

She kinda rolls over the bar and says "Hey barky, gimme another martooooni, I got hartburn."

The bartender gives her the drink and walks away.

A few minutes later, the lady finishes her drink and calls again "Hey barky, gimme another martooooni, I got hartburn."

He walks over to her, and says, "listen, let's get three things straight:

1) Don't call me Barky - makes me sound like a trained dog.

2) It's a martini, not a martooooni - if you can't say it, you've had too many.

and 3) if you'd get your tit out of the ashtray, you wouldn't have heartburn!


Wouldn't have happened if she'd been smoking e-cigs!

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

Three nuns go up to heaven

St. Peter stops them at the pearly gates, and says

New rules, ladies... Before I can admit you into Heaven, you have to prove you learned enough down there..

So he asks the first nun: Who were the first people on Earth?

Oh, that's easy, claims the first nun - Adam and Eve.

And the lights flash, the horns blow, and the first nun walks through the gate...

He asks the second nun: What did Adam and Eve eat that made God mad?

She thinks a second, and snaps her fingers - Simple.... The Apple.

And the lights flash, the horns blow, and the second nun walks through the gate...

He turns to the last nun, and asks: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?

The nun looks panicked - and exclaims: Oh, That's Hard!!!

And the lights flash, the horns blow, and the third nun walks through the gate...

 

[walkman4169]

lil boy holds up a used condom and says mom whats this
mom:its a twinki wrapper
lil boy:good cause i licked the cream filling

 

[walkman4169]

why do blonds were underwear?
to keep there ankles warm

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

OK - I got one more:

Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought an idiot, then to open it and remove all doubt

 

[Northern Bob]

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"


The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."


Northern "back to the bad ones" Bob

 

[CssReb]

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no eye-deer (like "IDEA")

Say it out loud, it's funnier

Q:What do your call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A: Still no eye deer (idea)

 

[Northern Bob]

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up from there?


NB

 

[Kate]

 

[Caesarea]

Entertain the little ones:
Get them to solemnly, slowly repeat these words:

O Wha
Tana
Siam

Praise them well, then challenge them to repeat them faster and faster...