Really Really Bad Jokes

[CssReb]

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate
one team from the league.

So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of
dollars in costs, they will be known as the..........


TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string

The economy is hitting everyone . . .

 

[Starlight]

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

As the evening was drawing to a close, the lady said, "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated, then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied. "Only with those who catch my eye."

The next morning as he was leaving, she asked, "Would you like to join me for dinner another time?"

The man answered immediately, "Yes, I'd love to. How about tomorrow?"

She was delighted and replied, "OK. I'll keep my eye out for you."

 

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

If UPS and FedEx were to merge, would they become FedUp?

 

[jbbishop]

E-CIGARETTES:

CANDY CIGARETTES FOR CHILDREN!

 

[eLiciafay]

Got this one via email this week and it made me LOL:

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .



On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.





He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.





Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.





Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.





Probably wasn't the same elephant.



This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming BS stories.

 

[ritalee76]

Speaking of elephants...

A family took their little boy to see the circus. Dad went to get some popcorn and coke for the boy and his wife. While he was gone, the boy sees the elephants massive penis and asks his mom what that is hanging down from the elephant.

"Thats his trunk, baby"

"No! Not the trunk, mamma. What's that other thing, between his leg?"

"Oh, that's his tail sweet pea."

"No, no mamma! The other thing" he said, visibly pointing at the penis...

"Oh, that's nothing baby. Don't worry about it."

At that moment, the dad comes back with the snacks and the mom is grateful for the interruption. She excuses herself to go to the restroom....

The boy tries another source: "Daddy, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

Dad says, "Oh, that's his trunk son"

"No, not his trunk, the OTHER thing hanging in between his legs!"

"Oh, that's his tail"

"No! The OTHER thing! Mom says its nothing..."

Dad says with a smile, "Oh, well.... I've got her spoiled"

 

[Idahojo]

CAN YOU SOLVE THIS RIDDLE?????


You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?







GET YOUR DRUNK ... OFF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND!!!!!

 

[Idahojo]

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his .... again!"

 

[ritalee76]

ROFLMAO! I totally forgot about that joke and used to love to tell it! Good stuff indeed

 

[Idahojo]

"Did You know Ranch Help was hard to Find"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She as
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching.



For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said: "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.



She quietly called him over to her.



"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said:

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

 

[walkman4169]

a man went to see his doctor with a nicotine patch on his penis
doctor:thats not were you put that
man:but doc its working im down to three butts a day

 

[Curtis]

Why don't blonds use vibrators?







**********wait for it***********






It chips their teeth.

 

[ritalee76]

LOL

I know My dentist loves me though

 

[taukimada]

LOL

I know My dentist loves me though

oh...............my!!!

 

[Curtis]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?



He was dead.

 

[Northern Bob]

What do you have if a clairvoyant midget escapes from prison?
A small, medium at large.

-----

Did you hear about the man whose wife ran off with a tractor salesman?
He came home from work and found a John Deere letter on the kitchen table.

-----

A teenager walker into a drug store. After much hemming and hawing, he sheepishly told the druggist that he wanted a box of condoms. "That will be $5.00", the druggist said,"Plus tax."
"TACKS !!!" the boy exclaimed," Don't you have the kind that stay on by themselves?"

-----
NB

 

[mrl]

There was a dog called Minton, who ate a shuttlecock....so his owner
said "Bad Minton...."

 

[e-pipeman]

There was a dog called Minton, who ate a shuttlecock....so his owner
said "Bad Minton...."

Having read this joke I have now pulled my own head off and kicked it.

 

[DuneBuggy]

What perscription do you fill to keep your wife from cheating?
Nodicatall

Why did the pirate go to the movie?
Because it was rated RRRRR!

 

[D245064j]

knock knock whos there

doctor

doctor who

oh you have heard that one