The Joke Tread!
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don’t mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don’t mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
I'm so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
I'm so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!
I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?
Way, way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the Internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.
To be honest, I'd be the last person who should be doling out gardeinng advice. I don't have the patience for growing things. Yes, I realize there's nothing quite as satisfying as eating food that you've pulled up from the ground and that's why, at the height of the planting season, I bury cans of tomato soup in my backyard and dig them up in late spring.
Do you live each day as if it's your first or your last? Either way you should probably have a diaper on.
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