OMG I had a really bad week then came here yesterday and read these. E-nut your headlines had me in stitches. Thank you, I needed that! Of course after reading all those I was printing shipping labels for our orders to go out and one gentleman had written in the middle of his address "Have Mailman Deliver In Rear" Well I read it like your headlines and got laughing all over again to the point I was crying and fell out of my chair. Hubby came running to see what the big thud was LOL
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Certainly gives a hole new meaning to "Special Delivery" and "Priority Male".
I wonder if there is "Delivery Confirmation" available with that class of mail?
I wonder if there is "Delivery Confirmation" available with that class of mail?
Certainly gives a hole new meaning to "Special Delivery" and "Priority Male".
I wonder if there is "Delivery Confirmation" available with that class of mail?
ROFL I just noticed you spelled it MALE. I'm laughing all over again.
Now I've had a short forum break and a good laugh I'm back to work.
An old, blind man wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Mister,
I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat; the bouncer is a blonde girl; I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate; the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter; the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat; the bouncer is a blonde girl; I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate; the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter; the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
Obama is out jogging one morning and notices Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to Little Johnny and says,
"What's in the box, kid?" Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
Obama laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Democrats," says Little Johnny. "Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.
A couple of days later, Obama is running with Biden and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead. Obama says to Biden, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Johnny.
Obama says, "Look in the box Joe, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Joe what kind of kittens they are." Little Johnny replies, "They're Republican." "Whoa!" Obama says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats . What's up?"
"Well," Little Johnny explains, "their eyes are open now."
"What's in the box, kid?" Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
Obama laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Democrats," says Little Johnny. "Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.
A couple of days later, Obama is running with Biden and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead. Obama says to Biden, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Johnny.
Obama says, "Look in the box Joe, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Joe what kind of kittens they are." Little Johnny replies, "They're Republican." "Whoa!" Obama says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats . What's up?"
"Well," Little Johnny explains, "their eyes are open now."
ANOTHER BAR STORY
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well...., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well...., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
"Dad, what is Jagermeister?" "You know how in fairy tales there is a magic potion that makes the girl fall asleep and then the guy kisses her? Well, it is like that! Only instead of waking up in a castle with a prince, you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation"
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 5, we have a husband down.'
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 5, we have a husband down.'
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the
door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of
me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting
for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot
door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of
me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting
for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot
I hooked up with a lady in a bar last weekend. She was a little older than me - about 60 or so - but still pretty hot and she kept mentioning going to her place for a mother/daughter ménage a trois. Since she was hot, I could pretty well imagine what the daughter looked like so how can a guy pass that up? I realized I was in trouble when we got there and she yelled upstairs, "Mom, we're home!"
One Wish
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head.. In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head.. In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-90. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one... there’s hundreds of them!
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