Today's Laugh

[5cardstud]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.


'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant , about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

 

[Electricnut]

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said
solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”

“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.”

“I don't mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you prepared
spiritually?”

“Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

 

[skydragon]

Little Susie: "I don't want to eat this squash."

Mommy: "But it's good for you, darling."

Little Susie: "But I don't LIKE it!"

Mommy: "You like pretending. Why don't you pretend it's ice cream?"

Little Susie: "Why can't I just pretend it's gone?"

 

[Kimmyw]

Subject: THE DARK SIDE OF WOMEN

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding
the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale
in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when
her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just
been in a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition and in
the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and
that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she
was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the
boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading
to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip
with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments
of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to
the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead
and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of
yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself
in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than
likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life
he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your
leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

 

[skydragon]

Subject: THE DARK SIDE OF WOMEN

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding
the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale
in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when
her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just
been in a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition and in
the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and
that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she
was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the
boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading
to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip
with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments
of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to
the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead
and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of
yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself
in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than
likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life
he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your
leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

Now that's just sick.

 

[MrsIken]

here's an Easter one...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..



(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,


"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

 

[Electricnut]

That's a great one on Easter.

 

[skydragon]

here's an Easter one...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..



(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,


"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

Groan...............

 

[5cardstud]

here's an Easter one...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..



(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,


"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!

Good one for Easter.

 

[5cardstud]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

 

[skydragon]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

 

[bobtow]

Others have proven that you don't need a mansion or a great car , to enjoy chicken!

 

[bobtow]

Now that's just sick.

Sick but funny!

 

[bobtow]

An old woman is at the funeral parlor attending to the burial of her late husband. When the people have all left, the director asks her how old her husband was, She says ninety two He asked her how old she was, she says ninty one. After a brief pause she says, hardly worth going home is it?

 

[5cardstud]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

 

[Kimmyw]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

 

[warpedone]

Two blonds living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blond says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.... Florida or the moon?" The other blond turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

 

[bobtow]

I was working in a mall when a girl from Customer Care said to me "you're, flying low" I said "I was always short" She leaned over and said, "Your zipper's down". I thanked her for noticing.

 

[warpedone]

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 

[Iken]

LOL Thanks guys! I'm trying to up my our new products and stock on the site, but everything been down for maintenance for hours! This page made it all better!