- Status
More quickies:
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because six inches isn’t enough.
What makes five pounds of fat look good?
A nipple.
What do gay horses eat?
Hay.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because six inches isn’t enough.
What makes five pounds of fat look good?
A nipple.
What do gay horses eat?
Hay.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,
she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we were friends.'
she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we were friends.'
Lol you guys gotta see this.This guy has a show on another forum. Where? No idea 
we both got stuck watching a bunch of them YouTube - OH LAWD!!
we both got stuck watching a bunch of them YouTube - OH LAWD!!
A blond was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blond, 'that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied, 'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
Lol you guys gotta see this.This guy has a show on another forum. Where? No idea
we both got stuck watching a bunch of them YouTube - OH LAWD!!
HAHAHAHAHA that guy finds the funniest videos!! that ladies voice was hysterical!!
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic fellow prisoners.
AT WORK...........they are called co-workers.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic fellow prisoners.
AT WORK...........they are called co-workers.
A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
As part of their ministry, the church decided to run a daily soup kitchen. Not surprisingly, the free food was very popular with the homeless people in the area. However this gift did come with a small catch - first you had to listen to a sermon.
Every day the rows of pews would be filled with derelicts, bums, and plenty of people down on their luck. One afternoon, the minister decided it was time again to lecture on the evils of alcohol. In order to get their attention, the minister began the service by putting up two glasses. One he filled with water. The other he filled with gin.
Then he pulled out a worm and dropped it in the water. The worm swam happily around in the glass of water until the minister pulled it back out. As the worm wriggled in his fingers, the minister proclaimed with certainty that the worm loved the water and that the water was safe for the worm.
Then the minister dropped the worm in the gin. Almost instantly the worm died and its ravaged body began to disappear in the toxic element.
The minister let out a satisfied cry of delight. "Do you see what evils this alcohol has done!? What does this experiment prove?"
A wino in the back of the room spoke up. "Reverend, it proves if you drink alcohol, you'll never get worms! Can we eat now?"
Every day the rows of pews would be filled with derelicts, bums, and plenty of people down on their luck. One afternoon, the minister decided it was time again to lecture on the evils of alcohol. In order to get their attention, the minister began the service by putting up two glasses. One he filled with water. The other he filled with gin.
Then he pulled out a worm and dropped it in the water. The worm swam happily around in the glass of water until the minister pulled it back out. As the worm wriggled in his fingers, the minister proclaimed with certainty that the worm loved the water and that the water was safe for the worm.
Then the minister dropped the worm in the gin. Almost instantly the worm died and its ravaged body began to disappear in the toxic element.
The minister let out a satisfied cry of delight. "Do you see what evils this alcohol has done!? What does this experiment prove?"
A wino in the back of the room spoke up. "Reverend, it proves if you drink alcohol, you'll never get worms! Can we eat now?"
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
How I learned to mind my own business - I was walking past the mental hospital the other day. All the patients were shouting, '13…13…13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Some crazy person poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14…14...14'
The old retired man had been taking Golf lessons. He was making steady progress, but chafed at the constant needling of the golf pro.
Finally, one day the old man challenged the golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. “But,” said the old man, “since you’re obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit you have to spot me two ‘gotchas’.” The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he knew easy money was to be had so he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the old duffer $100. “What happened?” asked one of the members.
“Well,” said the pro, “I was teeing up for the first hole, and just as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling ‘Gotcha!’ Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘gotcha’?”
Finally, one day the old man challenged the golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. “But,” said the old man, “since you’re obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit you have to spot me two ‘gotchas’.” The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he knew easy money was to be had so he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the old duffer $100. “What happened?” asked one of the members.
“Well,” said the pro, “I was teeing up for the first hole, and just as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling ‘Gotcha!’ Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘gotcha’?”
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got, was when he was out in the field, plowing. One day when he was out in the field plowing, his wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the funeral, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the funeral was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up an down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down." The men all asked, "Will you sell me that mule?"
At the funeral, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the funeral was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up an down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down." The men all asked, "Will you sell me that mule?"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No joke, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
**************************************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No joke, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
**************************************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No joke, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No joke, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
- Status
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