Valley View Vapes - Weekly Contest and Chit Chat thread - Win a Free Tank!

[videodave]

Two drunk guys are sitting at a bar when one looks at the other and says, "I had sex with your mother last night." The other guy gets up, grabs his coat, and says, "Okay Dad, it's time to go."

Thanks for the contest.

 

[lettucehead]

Rene Descartes sits down for a meal at a Parisian restaurant. The waiter asks for his order and he orders a hamburger.

The waiter asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Descartes says, "I think not," and instantly disappears.

 

[Karn]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

 

[lettucehead]

A hydrogen atom is walking down the street with a friend when he suddenly stops.

The friend says, "What's wrong?"

The hydrogen atom replys, "I lost my electron!"

The friend says, "Are you sure?"

The hydrogen atom exclaims, "Yes, I'm positive."

 

[Karn]

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.

At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."

"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.

"Thanks," he says, and leaves.

An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.

An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."

"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"

"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."

"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"

Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.

"Tea time."

 

[lettucehead]

During an exam, a police recruit was asked what he would do if his job required him to arrest his own mother.

His response was, "Call for backup."

 

[Karn]

Signs That You are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

 

[Karn]

Good luck all, Thank you for the contest its been fun

 

[lettucehead]

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "what kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

 

[windy33]

ok heres one lol
What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
DAM!!

 

[lettucehead]

Doctor Bloomfield was known for his extraordinary treatment of
arthritis. One day he had a waiting room full of people when a little
old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her
cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,
amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her
head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the
little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half
and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

"He gave me a longer cane."

 

[spacekitty]

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your ....," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

 

[lettucehead]

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for
their babies to be born.

The nurse came out and told the first father, "Congratulations, you're
the father of twins!"

"It figures," the first father said. "I'm the manager of the Minnesota
Twins."

Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father,
"Congratulations you're the father of triplets!"

"It figures," the second father said. "I'm the weatherman on Channel
3."

At that the third father fainted.

The second father turned to the first and asked, "What's the matter with
him?"

The first father replied, "He works for 7-Up!"

 

[spacekitty]

In a remote rural settlement, Murphey's wife goes into labor in the middle of the night and he calls the local doctor to assist with delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor hands him a lamp and says, "Here hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon a tiny baby boy is brought into the world.

"Hold on, Murphey" the doctor says. "Don't be in a rush to put the lamp down. I think there's yet another little one to come."

Sure enough,within minutes he delivers another baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to put the lamp down young man," the doctor says again. "It seems there's yet another one!"

The new father scratches his head in bewilderment. "Do you think the light is attracting them?" he asks.

 

[RayN]

*****End of Contest*******

 

[RayN]

Patient - Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar

Doctor - I can't believe that!

Winning Post # 105
CONGRATS TO LETTUCEHEAD!!

 

[RayN]

New contest thread is up and can be found at:

http://www.e-cigarette-forum.com/forum/e-cigarette-suppliers-forum/314581-valley-view-vapes-weekly-contest-chit-chat-thread-win-free-tank.html