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[gogoplata]

2. One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

 

[chieftechnicalwizard]

3.

Q. Where do astronauts hangout?
A.

 

[gogoplata]

3. Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

 

[mogium]

#5
Spell Checker

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

 

[gogoplata]

4. Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Cash!
Cash who?
No thanks, but I’d like some peanuts!

 

[rosesense]

Sunday #1

A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
And he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...

 

[RayN]

I'm not sure which cartomizers you're talking about. Is it the "super shorty"?
A cartomizer needs to have holes in it so the juice can move from the tank to the inside of the cartomizer. Punching is one way those holes are made.

3. The joke here is that I don't know this:

My buddy is lending me a Provari (first APV I am trying!), and I want to get a tank. Two questions: I have a bunch of shorty SMOKtech LR cartos - is there a "shorty" tank from VVV I can buy, and if so, what is this business about "punching" cartos? Second question: if I can't use the shorty cartos, what exactly should I buy from VVV so I can have a good time with the Provari?

 

[gogoplata]

5. Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Archie.
Archie Who?
Gesundtheit!

I don't know why, but it just gave me a good laugh. It's corny, I know.

 

[glassmanoak]

5

Q: How did the Alchemist soup into gold?
A: He added twenty four carrots!

 

[rosesense]

Sunday #2

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date.

 

[Mare1077]

1. "Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

 

[rosesense]

Sunday #3

A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

 

[Mare1077]

2. One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"

 

[rosesense]

Sunday # 4

A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."
"That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.

 

[Mare1077]

3. Tom, John and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories .... will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

 

[rosesense]

Sunday # 5

I came over to my blonde friend the other day and said, "Hey look a dead bird."
She looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

 

[Mare1077]

4. A tiger was walking through the jungle one day and saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.

The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That's because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.

 

[lettucehead]

1)

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!



Good afternoon, all!
Had problems getting onto ECF this morning, so I've been unable to check in until now - hope all are well!

 

[Mare1077]

5. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

 

[5cardstud]

What do you get if you put 25 female pigs and 25 male deer in a pen together? 50 sows-n-bucks.