Very depressed here

[dekalbave]

Well I have a history of it, but was doing well on Cymbalta and Ablilfy. That is, until my Mom was diagnosed last sept with Stage 4 lung cancer (after she smoked for 62 years). Of course her condition is deteriorating, and today we signed a DNR at the hospital she's in. As she's deteriorated, so has my mood. I'm just hoping and praying both for her, and that there will eventually be some light back in my life. But for now...I don't know, it's really hard.

I'm even worried that no one on ECF will want to hear about someone dying from smoking, because it hits too close to home.

Personally, I'm vaping quite a bit to stay away from the analogs when I'm feeling like this, because I know from the past that I can backslide very easily when depressed like this.

So I hope you can find it in your hearts to pray for my Mom and me.

Thanks,

Gregg

 

[Shilo]

I am sorry about your Mom Gregg. I can't even imagine Please try to keep your spirits up as much as possible. I don't know what else to say but you always have a friendly face on this forum if you need to talk.

 

[Sundrinkr]

(((((((((Gregg))))))))) I am sorry to hear about your mother. Of course you're depressed. Losing a parent is one of the worst things to experience imo. Please go to your doctor and explain what you are dealing with. There are medications that might be added that can help you better cope during this time. Coping is the key word here, because you want to be there for your mother as much as possible and need to be able to function in everyday life as well. Please do continue to post here. We care. I will pray for your mother and for you as well.

 

[440BB]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Gregg. I lost my mom to cancer 12 years ago and I know each of us finds their own way to cope. vaping a lot is a handy way to deal with this stress! I know you'll get through this but it just isn't easy.
We'll help when we can!

 

[Freckle]

I simply can not imagine. My husband lost his father due to lung cancer several years back. I think people should hear of things like this, to remind us vapers of one of the main reasons we decided to make the transition to begin with.

I wish you the best and pray that you may find peace in your time of need.

 

[Sheyna]

Gregg, my heart goes out to you and your mom. This is a given part of life that we all face, and there is never an easy way to face the inevitable with anything other than a heavy heart and tears, for both of you.

I lost my dad in 1982, and there was zero warning. He was gone before he hit the floor. No chance to say good bye.

The only way I have been able to get through each and every day, is looking at it as if he's on a long vacation in a tropical place, enjoying his beer and the sun. One day, I'll be joining him on vacation, and we'll see each other again. And then I'll be with my dad forever.

You can count on your ECF friends to be here for you. We care.

This is not an easy time for either of you. I send to you and your mom daily prayers. I hope your mom's remaining time is spent pain-free, and that the two of you are able to spend as much time together as possible.

 

[dekalbave]

I thank you all for your quick responses, your caring, and your prayers. The one thing I do take solace in is that she has been remarkably pain-free. That's actually surprised a number of her health care providers. And we do have a lot of time to spend together, although she's sort of in and out at this point, kidneys failing and full of drug-resistant infections.

It's hard for me to sleep with such a heavy heart at this moment, but I try to remember that, as far as we believe, she will be in a better place soon.

Thank you all again,

Gregg

 

[Fudgey]

(((((Gregg)))) Prayers and strength sent your way.

 

[jj2]

God is waiting for her and it is a better place but knowing that does not stop the pain and loss you are feeling.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

 

[dekalbave]

God is waiting for her and it is a better place but knowing that does not stop the pain and loss you are feeling.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Thank you for your prayers, and you're right. I know where she's going but it is still painful.

I just wish there was a forum, a FAQ, or something to remind people of why we quit analogs in the first place. Believe me, what I'm seeing with my Mom isn't pretty at all. And I hope it will always remind me that I'm just one analog away from going back to smoking, and quite possibly suffering her fate.

 

[dekalbave]

Just an update, because tonight I'm feeling very down. My Mon's kidneys are failing, and tonight they gave her the first dialysis treatment. Not sure how to feel about this, because Friday night she mouthed "I love you" and blew me a kiss. But the dialysis could kill her, too. And then I wonder, what am I holding on to anyway? I jsut have a gut feeling that the end is near, and it hurts. Then I get more depressed. My doctor doesn't want to mess around with my medicines, because they were very hard to put together in the first place, and he says this depression is "event-driven" and sort of appropriate.

Thanks for "listening". Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

Gregg

 

[Fudgey]

More thoughts and prayers sent to you and your mom. ((((hugs))))

 

[Sheyna]

Gregg, putting your mom on dialysis says to me, they're not giving up on your mom. It is better to try and hope for something positive to come out of it, than not to try and wish you had.

Yes, it could also be a detrimental move, but everyone just has to keep trying.

Your doctor is wise not to adjust your meds to fit the situation, since it is, and will be, an ever-changing situation.

You're in survival mode. Hold on to whatever hope there might be to hold on to. Feel whatever feelings you are experiencing, which will continue to be fast and furious, and sometimes hit all at the same time.

So long as your mom is still breathing, and blowing you kisses and mouthing "I love you," and knows you're there with her -- and life-saving types of medical treatment continues to be given, and not withheld -- then there is always hope.

The prayers and positive vibes are continuing non-stop for you and your mom.

 

[dekalbave]

Well, I hate having to post this reply.

My Mom's heart stopped beating at 6:24 this morning. She is with God now, I know that, but it still hurts.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and prayers. I'm kind of glad she was in an A+ hospital ICU, because I can rest assured everything possible was done for her.

Feeling kind of lonely and a bit adrift, knowing I'm never going to see her again. But thankfully not clinically depressed.

 

[Larkfour]

So sorry to hear about your mother's passing. Sending you a hug and prayers.

 

[dekalbave]

So sorry to hear about your mother's passing. Sending you a hug and prayers.

Thank you. I appreciate it very much.

 

[Sheyna]

Gregg, I'm so, so sorry to hear that God called her to His side sooner than later. I know your heart is breaking beyond words, but I hope you can find some solace in knowing she is suffering no more.

I will say a prayer that your mom's passing remains a smooth glide through the heavens, and that God grants you the strength to take care of yourself. Your mom wouldn't want you to travel into unsafe depths of despair.

I know this last update was very hard for you to write. You have yet another pair of arms around you, to let you know we are still here for you, even more so now.

You were loved, so your mom is always with you...always a whisper and loving thought away.

 

[dekalbave]

You were loved, so your mom is always with you...always a whisper and loving thought away.

That's true, isn't it? I've been feeling that way on and off all day.

Thank you Sheyna, for your kind thoughts and prayers.

 

[jj2]

I so sorry about your Mom. It's a hard thing to have to go through and you and your family have my prayers.

 

[dekalbave]

It is tough, but thank you for your prayers. I'm still in a bit of shock - it feels sort of surreal. I guess I've just never known a world without my Mom in it.