Very depressed here

[maureengill]

I'm so sorry to hear that...I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Know that there are a lot of people that feel your pain. If you ever need someone to talk to we are here...depression is a bug...and sometimes once it gets back to unmanagable levels it goes downhill fast. Cope one day at a time and know that although the sadness is there and will be for a long time....it's usually associated to really good memories. If you ever need to talk...pm me...I'll even send you my cell number if you want...

 

[Sundrinkr]

((((((((( Gregg ))))))))) Thinking of you right now. When I lost my mom I found myself remembering our special times together and that helped some. I say some, because it was the most heart wrenching experience I have ever had. That is what having a good mother is like. You miss her I know. That's because she was a good mother to you. Be thankful in that and thank her in your thoughts. I believe that she hears you. Keep posting -- we are here with shoulders to lean on.

 

[Sheyna]

Gregg, just checking in on you, to let you know you're still in thoughts and prayers for continued strength through this difficult time.

 

[ambeck22]

So sorry about your mother, Gregg. Not to sound like a cliche, but she is no longer in pain now and can rest in peace. To lose a parent at any age makes one feel like a child. You are very strong for coming here and talking about it and sharing your grief. We're all here for you, as you can see. Again, my heartfelt condolences.

As a side note, Cymbalta is a great medication and the effectiveness of it, of course, cannot be measured by situational depression. I'm available if you need to write me at any time just to talk (I suffer from depression, too).

 

[dekalbave]

Thank you all so much! Today I had to finish up making the arrangements, and some of the paperwork made me very sad, because it seemed to just make the finality of it all just sink in all the more. I cried a lot (really scared my cat for some reason), and fell asleep for a long time afterwards. So I wasn't able to check in here.

Your thoughts, prayers and experience mean a lot to me. I'm the only next of kin, and so I feel a bit alone in this. All her siblings have passed away (although one has severe Alzheimer's, and hasn't seen her since 1957). I guess there's more legal stuff to do, but it's very hard to think about that though.

Thanks again, I'll keep checking as best I can.

 

[dekalbave]

Sorry for the double post, but I'm just checking in here. Man I felt like an analog today. Not sure why, maybe because it used to give me some relief from anxiety that vaping doesn't quite seem to do (although it's probably from some carcinogenic substance in the tobacco). I'm also feeling out of sorts, because I had my first nightmare about the whole thing last night and it seems to stay with me.

I wonder if it was a wise decision to sit with the body for a while in the ICU, before they took it downstairs to the morgue. The image is staying with me, but I hope it eventually wears off. I guess there is no rulebook on this sort of thing, but I wonder what you all think about that?

Anyway, I'm not going to smoke, because I feel like it would dishonor her memory considering that analogs are what caused her demise. Also, I've worke very hard on substituting vaping for smoking.

I'm also second guessing some things, decisions I made. One was to agree to a DNR for her at the end - only because 2 months ago she made it very clear that she wanted everything possible done to keep her alive. But towards the end she was on a ventilator and couldn't really communicate very well, and it just seemed cruel to me to keep her going that way, especially if her heart stopped.

The second thing I'm second guessing is that we made a decision to temporarily donate her remains for scientific research that looks for a cure, although they cremate the remains when they are done and send them back to me. Unfortunately, that's what I had the nightmare about. It's just kind of strange to not be able to separate who she actually was, her soul, from her corporal remains.

Sorry for such a long post, but I just needed to get these things off my mind, and share them. Hope you didn't mind.

Gregg

 

[Ladypixel]

I sat with my dad for a while when he passed. Granted, he died at home, and so I was sitting on the side of the bed, talking to him. It was surreal, but I do not think it's harmful. It's hard to say that unilaterally, though, as everyone is a little different. For me, I've experienced a lot of death, but my father's was very much the hardest to take. And it's really a day by day thing for you now, I think. Some days, it will be easier. Some days will be harder.

Don't second-guess the choice for the DNR. I think you made the right choice, because she was not comfortable. Also, consider this: it is entirely possible that she would not have been able to be resuscitated anyhow. My mother-in-law died of cancer (in fact, it was pretty much every cancer BUT lung cancer, despite the fact that she smoked for the majority of her life), and there is no possible way that they could have kept her alive any longer than her own determination did. The reality is that, when a major illness is involved, there comes a point where the illness will in fact claim the person no matter how hard you try to stop it. So don't question your choice. You did the right thing.

As far as the remains go: they are what they are. They are remains. That which made her uniquely her, which animated her smile and put the life in her eyes, that part is still intact, safe, even if it's no longer within her body. Your memories of her ensure she lives on long past the hour and minute that she ceased to breathe. If those remains can help others, you know she'd be happy to help... and know that she's doing everything she can to try to fight the disease even though she's no longer animate. To me, that's a powerful thing, and it's something I deeply respect and appreciate.

Remember that she's always there to talk to. In fact, she's even more convenient now. She may not be able to talk back, but after a lifetime of being around her, you already can guess pretty well what she'd say. Just think about it for a while.

And most of all: get rest, eat right, do your normal daily things, and remember to live. She wouldn't want to see you suffering just because she's not physically standing there beside you. No mom does.

 

[dekalbave]

Thank you very much, Ladypixel. You made a lot of sense on all your points, and I do have to remember to take care of myself, just day to day, because she would want me to.

Gregg

 

[dekalbave]

Just checking in again. Yesterday was a week since she passed, but it seemed much shorter. It still feels very surreal, and I'm wondering "When will that dissipate?" I missed an appointment with my therapist, because I overslept (not sure why, I usually don't). Felt lousy about that, too. All in all, still feeling kind of crummy, but I guess it's going to take a while for me to start feeling a bit better.

Thanks for your support, and I appreciate it greatly.


Gregg

 

[Sheyna]

Gregg, it will feel surreal for a long time. It still feels like a bad dream at times when I think about my dad...and I'm over 30 years since his passing.

You have only known a world with your mom in it. Now that that piece of your life is missing, you have to learn a new way to live each day.

Don't push it. Right now, you are still very much in survival mode. Losing a loved one is a very traumatic event. What you just went through was a real drain on you, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Your mind and body are helping you deal with it. If that means oversleeping, so be it. That is a coping and renewal mechanism.

The pain never goes away, but you will learn how to live side by side with that pain. It just takes time, and at your own pace.

Absolutely do not feel badly about missing that appointment. Best thing to do right now, don't schedule appointments until late in the day. You will probably have more oversleeping days.

Just listen to your body when it tells you to sleep, to eat, to laugh, to cry. And stay around your friends for comfort, and let some of their energy help you regain yours.

I'm glad you popped in to let us know how you're doing. Please keep doing so.

Hugs to you.

 

[jj2]

Getting over the loss of a loved one is hard. It has been over 10 years since I lost my baby brother and around 40 since I lost my Mom (I was young and she was way too young).
It gets easier over time but there are still times it just jumps out and slams me in the chest. My heart hurts. I get on the phone and talk to one or more of my sisters or brothers and we talk about the good times. This helps so much.

Just hang in there and for right now take one day at a time.

 

[dekalbave]

Thank you Sheyna and jj2. Today was hard, because I woke nervous and with a slight tremor in my hands. I have no idea why, either. It was very sunny and somehow that just seemed inappropriate for the way I was feeling. Everything still seems surreal, which I am getting very tired of. Also, last Friday I had to inform my Mom's niece by phone, and since she works a lot of double shifts, I left her the news on her voicemail. I still haven't heard back from her; she just seems to have blown it off. Surprising to me, because she was always telling my Mom how she was her favorite aunt. Just reminds me of how little family we have left, because so many people have passed away, many permaturely. And that's a little distressing to contemplate, especially now. Right now I'm just trying to stay close to my friends, and take it one day at a time.

Gregg

 

[Gingerzeronic]

Prayers for you. I think it's the part one or two months down the line that is hardest. The first few weeks everybody is concerned but later that fades for them - it's still pretty tragic for you.

 

[dekalbave]

Prayers for you. I think it's the part one or two months down the line that is hardest. The first few weeks everybody is concerned but later that fades for them - it's still pretty tragic for you.

Yes, it's been three weeks today since she passed, and some people are acting like nothing important happened. Of course, I still feel awful, am still grieving, and somewhat depressed.

 

[Sheyna]

Gregg, it will be like this for a long time. Even if you have a day when you think you have emotions under control and you're starting to really come to grips with it, something will trigger the flood of emotions again.

Don't let how other people act affect you. They are removed from the situation and not intimately involved like you are. For external family members, losing an aunt or cousin cannot begin to compare to a mom.

Keep taking care of yourself. Expect each day will be tough to get through. Continue to grieve. There is such a finality to losing the one and only mom you have ever known, there is no timeline on "getting over this" for you.

Just keep thinking that where she is now is so much better than having to live on machines and living in pain.

I'm sure your mom is always by your side, with her arm around you, trying to comfort you...just like when you were a small child needing mom's love and comfort. And I know she misses you as much as you miss her. That spiritual bond can never be broken or severed.

 

[dekalbave]

Thanks Sheyna for those thoughts. I really do try to believe she's in a better place now than she was in, but I find my faith being tested right now. I'm trying to read inspirational books like "Life After Life", and others of the same sort. Unfortunately, I'm finding it hard to concentrate, because I'm grieving. Not as depressed as I was before, but it still hurts. especially when something reminds me of her. It can be anything, something on TV or on a DVD movie. But I'm told that's pretty common, and will last for a while. Maybe quite a while.

 

[classwife]

Gregg, I am so sorry for your loss.
Grieving is something that we all do differently, it's tough, doesn't go away, but it does lessen.
Keep taking care of yourself.

 

[flarg]

How ya doin' now adays, Gregg? How're you holding up? And how's your cat? (Sorry, new to this outdated thread, but thought I'd post anyway, especially since it's a topic I'm dealing with, so I thank you for posting. Also I don't mean anything mean about the cat, if it's taken that way. I just know that, for me, animals are very important, so if your cat is an equal in your life then feel free to share). ::hugs:: from the other side of the US. Hope you're feeling somewhat better.

 

[jj2]

Are pets are our furbabies which is just like our kids.

Only they don't turn into teenagers!

 

[flarg]

Are pets are our furbabies which is just like our kids.

Only they don't turn into teenagers!

My pup did. When she was in her later years, she started acting more and more like a puppy/teenager. She started to backsass me, slept a lot, and then started to not listen to me (went deaf). It was great.