A family issue in D minor

[the_vape_nerd]

So this past weekend, I went up to see my mom with my kids. We had lunch out on her porch. She has about 35 acres in southern Mississippi. It was nice.

My mom knows I vape. I've been doing it almost two years now. She says to me after lunch "you know, those things aren't good for you either, I heard they are just as bad, maybe worse". So being pretty well informed on vaping I was about to launch into my defense. I said to her "where didd you hear this?". She says "on the news". Then I started to speak again but she cut me off "I don't want to hear any of your THEORIES". And waves me off.

My mother is an otherwise very sweet, caring, thoughtful person. She'd do anything for me or my kids, etc. Salt of the earth.

This really ticked me off. To the point that the rest of the visit was ruined.

Here's why:

In the last 6 months, I've run two half-marathons. I run 20 miles a week. I bike another 30-50 and lift weights 2-3 times a week. I think I'm in pretty good shape for being 41. I eat healthy foods for the most part.

My mom, for lack of a better term is probably medically obese. Now, I could, if I wanted to...berate her every time I saw her about the fact that she's 50 lbs overweight and that she and not me is the one who's abusing her health.

I don't hate fat people and the point of my post isn't to hassle or gang up on anyone who's fat. We all make our choices in life. If my mom enjoys ice cream or meatballs or bacon, I really don't care. You can't live life without enjoying what you enjoy. If she doesn't want to exercise, well that's her choice as a grown adult. I'm not going to come over and bother her about it.

What is the point of this post vape nerd? I can hear you all asking.

I guess the only point is, am I wrong in feeling this way?

Or maybe the point is, what should I say to her next time this comes up?

I'm ruminating on it and I know that isn't good. I love my mother. She's wonderful. I wish I could stop being angry about it.

 

[El_tecolote]

A mother will always assert her beliefs, unfounded or not. She feels she is looking out for your best interests and the best you can do is accept where she is coming from. Don't be angry, just know she loves you, and vape on!

 

[Robino1]

Ok, she doesn't want theories. Understandable. Gather FACTS!

Fact: you are now able to run marathons.
Fact: doctors are beginning to endorse e-cigs.

Find all the FACTS you can and present it to her in a way that she will understand. Maybe even telling her that it hurt when she didn't even let you give her any facts. Does your doctor endorse vaping?

Step back, take a deep breath (now that you can ) and think it through. Don't let your emotions get in the way. If you need to, write it down in a letter and mail/give it to her. Do not bring up her weight, then it will kick in her defense mechanism, nothing will be accomplished. Your defense mechanism kicked in when you compared it to her weight issue. It's called a survival trait. Fight or flight. You have to think logically. Gather all the Facts you can find and present them to her.

 

[BostLabs]

Wow! RJR has a long reach. J/K.

Yes if someone tries to wave me off and dismiss my 'Theories' then I would say "Then how about facts instead?"

 

[the_vape_nerd]

Ok, she doesn't want theories. Understandable. Gather FACTS!

Fact: you are now able to run marathons.
Fact: doctors are beginning to endorse e-cigs.

Find all the FACTS you can and present it to her in a way that she will understand. Maybe even telling her that it hurt when she didn't even let you give her any facts. Does your doctor endorse vaping?

Step back, take a deep breath (now that you can ) and think it through. Don't let your emotions get in the way. If you need to, write it down in a letter and mail/give it to her. Do not bring up her weight, then it will kick in her defense mechanism, nothing will be accomplished. Your defense mechanism kicked in when you compared it to her weight issue. It's called a survival trait. Fight or flight. You have to think logically. Gather all the Facts you can find and present them to her.

Thank you for saying all this. You are right about the defense mechanism. This is why I didn't say what I said above to her then. It's often better to love than be right.

I don't think she is going to listen to any "facts". She's made up her mind. Maybe she thinks it looks silly or something. I have no idea. It just angered me and still does.

Conversely, my step-dad, a former smoker himself was like "leave him alone, he quit smoking".

 

[the_vape_nerd]

Wow! RJR has a long reach. J/K.

Yes if someone tries to wave me off and dismiss my 'Theories' then I would say "Then how about facts instead?"

I actually did say that. She just rolled her eyes.

 

[vernhall]

When it comes to Mothers your first instinct was correct -- just ignore it and go on about your business... Mothers are always going to think they know best whether they do or not and our lot in life is to love them regardless...

 

[KatyLoo]

Since she is older, maybe she would pay more attention to old fashioned paper brochures, like these:
http://casaa.org/uploads/CASAA_Medical_infograph.pdf
http://casaa.org/uploads/CASAA-Ecig-TriFold-Brochure.pdf
http://casaa.org/uploads/8_Biggest_Electronic_Cigarette_Myths.pdf

 

[eratikmind]

Sorry to read that your discussion with your mother made you upset.

Personally, I would move forward and not re-engage your mother on this matter. Your mother has your best interest in mind. Are you willing to risk further ill feelings?

If a non-smoker, your mother does not need to be educated on the merits of vaping. There is no point to it, unless your need to win is important. Love your mom and keep the peace. Be the bigger person.

- Andy

 

[Robino1]

Thank you for saying all this. You are right about the defense mechanism. This is why I didn't say what I said above to her then. It's often better to love than be right.

I don't think she is going to listen to any "facts". She's made up her mind. Maybe she thinks it looks silly or something. I have no idea. It just angered me and still does.

Conversely, my step-dad, a former smoker himself was like "leave him alone, he quit smoking".

I honestly think it will make you feel better if you do give her something tangible. Even to to let her know that she has the right to have her own opinion, but just let her know that how she put it hurt you. Underneath the anger that you're feeling, is a boatload of hurt that she just dismissed something that you are proud of. An accomplishment of monumental proportions in getting off cigs. Maybe in just realizing where your anger is actually coming from, will help you to get past it?

I truly hope that you do get past the anger and, like it was stated above, realize that she is saying this out of concern for your safety. Kudos to your stepdad!!

Hey, maybe put a few facts in his ear and let him handle your mom. He would know best how to go about it
Just a passing thought.

 

[the_vape_nerd]

Thanks everyone for your input. It does help. I suppose it's best to just move along.

Robino it's not just the vaping I'm proud of. It's the complete 180 turnaround. I always ran even when I smoked but it was more like 3 miles at a time. Now I'm running 13 at a time. I've also lost about 30 pounds. I don't go to the doctor often but last time I was there he remarked how healthy I looked for my age. I did discuss vaping with him and he agreed that they were a godsend type invention.

 

[Robino1]

Thanks everyone for your input. It does help. I suppose it's best to just move along.

Robino it's not just the vaping I'm proud of. It's the complete 180 turnaround. I always ran even when I smoked but it was more like 3 miles at a time. Now I'm running 13 at a time. I've also lost about 30 pounds. I don't go to the doctor often but last time I was there he remarked how healthy I looked for my age. I did discuss vaping with him and he agreed that they were a godsend type invention.

Basically it all comes down to what YOU know and are proud of. Also know, there are a LOT of people here that Are proud of what you (and we) have accomplished.

 

[Talyon]

U can lead a horse to water.......

Sometimes people just don't want to know no matter what u say. They have their belief and that's that. I'm ok with that and simply let them think they won by saying no more and leaving. I truly know I won.

Best to not confront your Mom in any manner, u know the truth.

 

[AngelsBreath]

Bless your heart, I am fortunate that my mom and dad are all for my vaping. They used to be smokers and they know that NOTHING is worse than that. I hope things turn out well for you, love your mother, she's the only one you have but I know, as a mother, sometimes we can be wrong and we need to be told that we are wrong.

 

[BostLabs]

I actually did say that. She just rolled her eyes.

sigh. Then that fight is lost.

Time to get selective hearing. After all, that is what she is doing to you. I wouldn't change my vaping habits though.

 

[mare ze dotes]

You have accomplished alot with your health care. My advice is to just skirt the issue if she dont want to listen. i used to debate issues with my Mom alot, but after awhile it just seemed like I was antagonizing her with my truth. Sometimes it is best to shutup and let her have her way. She is your mom after all.

 

[DJ RyckRak]

Vape nerd....
You did the right thing by not engaging her in the argument of the merits of Vaping...she already has an opinion.
It is a sign of flexibly thinking that we can change our minds on subjects...and that we can have two-way discussions on topics.
I do not know if you mom is still a flexible thinker...but it is never a good idea to try to engage someone when they have shut down.

Know that you have, and are doing a great thing for yourself ! Be proud of yourself !
And know that we are very, very happy for you !!!

 

[daleron]

Sorry to read that your discussion with your mother made you upset.

Personally, I would move forward and not re-engage your mother on this matter. Your mother has your best interest in mind. Are you willing to risk further ill feelings?

If a non-smoker, your mother does not need to be educated on the merits of vaping. There is no point to it, unless your need to win is important. Love your mom and keep the peace. Be the bigger person.

- Andy

Not only do I agree with Andy, keep the peace, be the bigger person. As a Mother who has apparently offended her son often I can truely say that sometimes we just say the wrong things I've gotten to the point that I'm afraid to say hardly anything to my 25 year old lest I "once again" offend him ... I guess it just depends on how much you want to "win" this one ...

BTW - I grew up in a very unsupportive family atmosphere where everything I did was wrong no matter what only to learn in later life just how difficult my parents lives were and how unhappy THEY were ... is this a possibly for you?

 

[mjrhartley]

My wife and I are in a VERY similar position. My wife is overweight, and is critical about me and my choices. I am getting healthy, quit smoking, started exercising, etc...

I don't have a ton of wisdom to share, just this little nugget that has been immensely helpful to me: We are only responsible for one thing in life, and that is our behavior. Your Mother can believe anything she wants, that's hers to keep and hold, and isn't yours to carry. Don't let her behaviors affect yours in a negative way.

As my therapist says: "When someone else drops a bag of "poop", you don't have to pick it up... it's not yours to carry".

Best, Matthew

 

[BostLabs]

As my therapist says: "When someone else drops a bag of "poop", you don't have to pick it up... it's not yours to carry".

Best, Matthew

That is very profound. I'll have to keep that one in the ole brain case.

I meant to say this earlier Vape_Nerd. What you have accomplished is something to be very proud of. Don't let anyone take that away from you.