Well it's been said that talking is good for the soul. Let's see if it's good for depression. If nothing else, it'll keep everyone interacting.
Please answer and explain. If you prefer to answer in the Private Room, feel free to do so, but let us know that you did.
There times that I feel miserable and sad?
1. No, not at all.
2. No, not much.
3. Yes, sometimes.
4. Yes, definitely
Yes, DEFINITELY
Well, now that's out of the way. I just wanted to say I'm so glad to have found ECF. First, this forum has really helped me win the battle with analogs (so far) and second, I've found a support group for depressed ex-smokers!
I first tried a cigarette when I was 6, curtesy of my babysitter. I think I remember liking it
I started smoking occasionally when I was 13, after my depression first started big time. I never knew cigs contained anti-depressants, you would think one of my Dr's might have mentioned it, especially since awareness can be a powerful thing. I think it would have answered alot of questions for me.
For me depression was the deep set belief that I was worthless and should have never been born. I was adopted and that feeling of being unwanted convinced me that I was a waste of space. I beleived these things with all my heart. I often had pain in my chest like a black hole opening inside my body. Everything good got sucked in.
My parents had no clue what was wrong with me and while they may have had the best of intentions they screwed the pooch. According to them, I never reached my potential, my ideas were stupid and unfeasible. And if I made my dad angry (and I did, alot) he would just ignore me for several weeks or until I humbly apologized. He was not a nice man and still isn't. I was also an avid swimmer and skiier. So apparently, for me, exercise did NOT help.
I really started smoking in earnest when I was 16, and I was like a herion junkie. I stole cigarettes if I needed to and picked used ones out of ashtrays. That was when my depression was at the point that I was crying nightly. I've always been (and still am) super sensitive. When really bad things happen in the world I get emotionally unstable. Anxious, sad, hopeless.
I grew up in NY and people there can be really negative. It would rub off on me. Additionally, I lived in a wealthier suburb, and people were so caught up in owning expensive things and trying to outdo the 'Jones' that I felt there was no true purpose in life. If all it meant was that I had to earn enough money to show up my neighbor what was the point!
When I finally went to college I was miserable and unsuccessful. So I dropped out and moved to Montana with a guy. He soon discovered I was crazy and kicked me out. I hitchhiked to Colorado and found a job at a ski resort that provided housing. That begin the happiest and craziest period of my life. I skiied everyday, had a great boyfriend, but I was still depressed, and now that I think back probably manic too.
I changed boyfriends and quit my job and moved to Leadville. I smoked alot of an illicit substance and began hitchhiking everywhere. I must be the luckiest person alive because nothing bad ever happened.
I made some great friends that I kept for several years (until I outgrew them) and went back to school in Ft Collins. (In the interim I also lived in a National forest for three months, got a dog, hitchhiked to Oregon, then to California, the dog was run over and killed so I took a bus back to Colorado, stopping in Salt Lake City to commiserate with a college friend).
See what I mean by manic...
crazy bad decision making skills!
In Ft Collins I started drinking heavily and going out every night. I was extremely careless sexually and put myself in several unhealthy positions. I was worthless so what did it really matter?
That's when I decided that my life sucked and I wanted to change it. So I read a ton of books and begin to try rerouting my brain. Everytime I would have a negative thought or feeling I would try to counter it with something positive. It sort of worked, but it didn't really start working until my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgekin's Disease (sorry, I forgot to mention that I got married in there).
We had just bought a house and had our first child 8 months earlier. I finally got him to see a Dr. about his hideous cough and Wham! So he went on chemo and then radiation and he got really angry. He eventually became violent, but that's another story... We lost the house and faced major poverty. His illness and the events that followed really forced me to focus on the positive things in life no matter how small. It was a lesson I had desparately needed, if only I could have held onto it for longer.
Unfortunately, the lesson began to fade. We eventually divorced (the whole violence thing) and that lead to more depression. But I did manage to pull myself out of it with a great counselor and a "one foot in front of the other" mantra.
My two boys and I eventually had to move back in with my parents (more depression this time debilitating. I couldn't do anything). But I tried to remember my lesson and my mantra and managed to cope with that one as well.
More recently, I was laid off, found another job (luckily), and then was fired because I didn't agree with the corporate culture of public ridicule (flippin' hedge fund). They literally had a public 'issue log' where posters would detail each others mistakes and try to discover why those mistakes were made (the root cause). It all seemed petty and mean to me..., but it really messed with my self-confidence, so my spiral into depressive thoughts began and only deepened when I was fired. On one hand I was relieved, but on the other I was a failure again!!!
This most recent bout of depression has been the longest since I was a teenager. I couldn't do anything, then I hurt my back again, and my house became a major trash pit. I mean I literally could not take out the trash because of my back. Ugh, that was disgusting... I had back surgery and began recovery, but the depression continued.
I saw my Dr. and finally tried some prescribed anti-depressants. I wish I could say they are great, but while I think I'm over the major hump, I'm still fairly unmotivated to do anything. My back Dr. prescribed me some nerve pain blockers (non-narcotic, think more like the stuff they prescribe for fibromyalgia) that had the happy side effect of being an anti-anxiety med too, so that has helped.
Not smoking really makes me feel like I am accomplishing something. That I am successful. And success begets more success. That success has given me the strength to get to the point where I select one goal for the day and try to get it done. So far so good, now I have to get to the point where I am ready to add more goals. I'm almost there.
So I say thanks e-cigs, thanks ECF, and thanks jj2!!!
Sorry about the life story thing, but apparently sharing with strangers is easy and a major weakness I've always had...
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