Depression

[StarryColorado]

I guess this is the thread for me. I just found this thread and group and you guys are amazing. Without quoting each one I just have to say that you have been through SO much and have survived... sometimes surviving life and pain is much harder than surviving war not that I know, I am not a soldier but have lost both of my parents and dealt with depression since I can remember.

Saint, you and I sound a lot alike and both have our babies on our profile, hehe, though yours is an adorable little maltese and mine is a black German Shepherd, she may as well be a little lap dog for how loving she is And I understand the feeling of being an "orphan" it feels that way, the little girl in us never dies, even when our parents do Now, when I get depressed I think about how I have no one who really loves me to talk to and I go even more crazy with it, on bad nights. I live in Colorado so maybe if you ever do go with DH we can do lunch

As far as depression, I believe I was born with it. I remember telling my parents at 14 I was going to kill myself and they just said "don't ever say that again!" I immediately went to the bathroom and drank everything under the sink I could find. I think this included the poison control liquid though .

In any case, I know mom had major depression issues as wonderful and kind as she was and I do as well. I have never taken a med or talked to anyone for it. Okay, well, I got the courage up just one time and went to this doc when I was on Medicaid and proceeded to talk to me about all his sexual issues with his younger girlfriend. That was a bit odd and I about ran out of there and never tried the meds.

I do very well at being happy and involved with my baby girl who is 6 years old. She IS my life and my Lulu, my German Shepherd is like my second child. She sleeps in bed with me with her paw over my body and her head on my chest every night Those are the two loves of my life. I am having troubles with hubby and I adore my sister in Portland but she is a busy professor of surgery so we never really get time to talk. That is all the family I have, that is my life.

I am happy to be here, I guess misery does love company but I am happy to know I am not alone in my misery. I just wish you all didn't have to suffer, I am so sorry.

L

 

[Nighthawk]

Hang in there Starry! Medication does wonders for depression. It doesn't feel like you're all HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY it just feels like yourself having a decent day. You cannot 'think positively' away a chemical imbalance. It's like needing glasses. or insulin. It's not a crutch for the weak minded, or an excuse. It's a medical necessity. Please please find a new dr, and talk to them about it. You will be amazed at how much it helps.

 

[scratchm]

Just wanted to introduce myself. Unlike many of you, I don't have any good reasons for being depressed. No chronic pain or other health problems. No deaths in the family. I've always had pretty much everything a person needs. But I've been depressed my whole life. I had some good years when I was a child, but some bad ones too, especially high school era. In the late 90's / early 00's I had about a dozen years of normality, which was really nice. Then WHAM, the depression came back and I lost my job, got divorced, got evicted, went bankrupt, etc. I was lucky in that I was able to stop drinking, which was interfering with my meds.

So now I'm 36 years old and living with my parents, on disability. I'm on a ton of meds and they do help a lot but not enough to make me very functional. I'm strongly considering ECT (anyone gone through it?) but otherwise have pretty much no prospects for recovery. I spend too much time sleeping and when I'm awake all I do is vape and play video games, and I'm not really all that good at the video games. I feel useless and guilty all the time.

Not really sure why I'm posting this; I usually manage to keep my depression to myself and not make a big deal of it. But every once in a while it feels good to vent, so thanks for being here.

 

[jj2]

Most of us, whether it be depression or not, are bent but not broken, shaken but not shattered, discouraged but not defeated. The trick is not giving up. I don't know if you believe in God or not, so I won't turn this into a sermon, but opening a bible, or visiting a church might do wonders.

Either way, feel free to come back and vent. It's easier to get it off your chest when it's among people who care but you'll probably never have to face.

You are in my prayers.

 

[Nighthawk]

That's what we're here for! You have a chemical imbalance. Just like a diabetic. It's a disease, not a personality flaw. ECT is the final final last-shot after all combos of meds haven't worked. That being said, it does work for some people. Do your research first before you go to that last resort. We are here to listen and support you. We definately know exactly what you're going through. There is a private area here if you need to vent more personally. PM me if you need to talk about anything at all. (((hugs)))

 

[scratchm]

Thanks for your comments and support.

I don't know if you believe in God or not, so I won't turn this into a sermon, but opening a bible, or visiting a church might do wonders.

I was a practicing pagan at one time, specifically discordian, but I'm kind of in a catch-22 right now because my depression makes it hard for me to believe in a benevolent higher power. So my lack of faith contributes to my depression which contributes to my lack of faith. Excellent suggestion, though.

It's easier to get it off your chest when it's among people who care but you'll probably never have to face.

Lol, so true. That's what alt.suicide.bus-stop used to be good for before it closed up.

You are in my prayers.

Thanks again, that helps.

ECT is the final final last-shot after all combos of meds haven't worked. That being said, it does work for some people.

Yeah, ECT is kind of scary, but it has a surprisingly high success rate. I've done a TON of research, and most of the likely side effects are stuff I could deal with. I mean, I already have some memory and cognitive issues, and what I'd be looking at is a short-term worsening in return for (hopefully) a long-term improvement. I actually would have started the ECT already but the insurance refused to cover it; but I have different insurance now and I'm going to re-apply as soon as I've had my first appointment with my new doctor.

Thanks a ton for all the kind words, and hugs back.

 

[Nighthawk]

A well-educated patient is an empowered patient! We also have a pagan vapers social group here. It's small, but nice folks there. the road to wellness sometimes does a loop-de-loop, but you are on your way! Hang in there! (((hugs)))

 

[Saintscruiser]

Scratchm, I wish I had a dime for every time I had to move back home. They'd get rid of me and here I came again. But then, I knew I was always welcomed. It's hard living with parents as a sick adult. There were days that I felt like a caged animal, and it was all in my head because my family was great. I couldn't wait to move out of there. I was there for 2 1/2 years. I should have appreciated them more than I did. I'd give almost anything to see them again. I truly miss them so. They were both so very sick and God had mercy on them both. I just hate the time I wasted wanting to get away. Duh! You don't know what you have until you don't have it.

 

[thephoenix]

I suffer from depressive episodes myself...As Jimi Hendrix said, "Manic depression is a frustrating mess."

I've found really intense exercise to really help. I have to force myself to do it, but even after an intense jog - i always feel great and the effects seem to last for hours.

Nothing likes some oxygenated blood to keep the body on a positive tip! And now that I don't smoke ciggys anymore - cardio is a breeze!

 

[scratchm]

Saintscruiser, thank you for your comments. I am so very sorry that you have lost your parents, that must be terrible. I am glad they are no longer suffering. I fortunately have a very good and close relationship with my parents, it's just that living at home at my age makes me feel embarrassed and like a loser. I will take your words to heart and cherish the time I have with them.

thephoenix - Yeah, bipolar sucks, I've known several people who have it. The exercise angle is a good one if you can pull it off; everyone seems to agree that it helps a lot. I should give it another go once the temperature here gets down below 100, as you say the lack of smoke inhalation means my lungs are in much better shape than last time I tried (and gave up).

 

[jj2]

Don't feel bad about living at home. A LOT OF KIDS DO. Many have moved out and then back, and it's not because of an illness, it's because of the money situation. Let's face it when cars cost 20/30,000 dollars and homes three times that amount, it's going to get more common.
My son moved back in when he got laid off. He's back to work now and it's an hour and fifteen minutes from here. Apartments rent for around a $1000 a month which is ridicules. He and a few other guys rent a three bedroom and they all have set nights they stay there, otherwise they go elsewhere. Some are married so they go home. Some go and spend a night or two with the girlfriend or parents. They got foldouts just in case they all get snowed in.
A relationship went south on him a couple years ago so he is single and he will admit, he'd rather be here with us---so much so, he is here Wednesday (week night because of church), Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Sunday.

Of course he brings his laundry. :~O

 

[Saintscruiser]

Saintscruiser, thank you for your comments. I am so very sorry that you have lost your parents, that must be terrible. I am glad they are no longer suffering. I fortunately have a very good and close relationship with my parents, it's just that living at home at my age makes me feel embarrassed and like a loser. I will take your words to heart and cherish the time I have with them.

thephoenix - Yeah, bipolar sucks, I've known several people who have it. The exercise angle is a good one if you can pull it off; everyone seems to agree that it helps a lot. I should give it another go once the temperature here gets down below 100, as you say the lack of smoke inhalation means my lungs are in much better shape than last time I tried (and gave up).

My daddy was 95 1/2 when he passed and my mom was almost 86. I was a Daddy's girl all my life, but I would be embarrassed to have asked the Lord for them to have been here longer. Last month was my first birthday that my mom wasn't here. That hit me upside the head. I wasn't expecting that one. It's the times that catch you unawares that hurt the most. At 12:01 a.m. the next morning, I was okay. Silly, huh.

 

[Nighthawk]

I seem to be having another round with depression, and it's kicking my ..... It feels like the world is caving in around my ears lately, and to be truthful, it actually IS. I have SO many reasons to be depressed, quite justified, but I don't Want to be depressed. It's not helping the problems, and is generally a waste of time and energy. Knowing all that, I'm still depressed. All I want to do is sit on the couch, vape and be on my laptop. When I'm not doing that, I want to sleep half the day and stay up most of the night. I have GOT to do something!!! Soon as I find the energy and motivation. good grief.....

 

[Nighthawk]

Still struggling. Once I get mad enough about my situation, I may find the energy to overcome it. I hope.

 

[jj2]

I take it nothing about the situation has changed any?

 

[Nyxie]

Wow I don't know how I got here tonight but I think maybe I should be here too. I am one of those, no reason to be depressed people, or so other people think. Except this week and the things bugging me arent really depressing but more like holy carp the whole house is breaking and I don't have a way to fix it.

I actually never knew I was depressed until, I had an anxiety attack on the expressway in Chicago about 13 years ago. I almost totally stopped the car in the center lane and screamed at my ex at the same time for telling me not to stop. The Dr tried me on 3 kinds of meds and I finally was ok with celexa, which is pretty mild compared to a lot of meds.

I never knew there was this whole other world out here. I had lived my life depressed and didn't even know it. I finally was able to stop taking meds after about 3 years and kicking out the ex and going to counseling. I now can seem to see my depression coming before I can do nothing and usually do things to help myself. I don't want to go back on pills again since I had a horrible time getting off them. I felt like I was being electrocuted sort of when I stopped taking them, I also developed restless leg syndrome until I was over the withdrawals. If I had a bad time I am sure I would get something but I am trying to not have to take meds again.

I am currently seeing a psychotherapist because of some issues that have to do with anxiety and depression. Mostly I am finding out that I am co dependent ( even though I don't want to be , I can fix everyone ya know LOL ) and the adult child of an alcoholic(never knew I was affected at all by that), nothing like adding a few more labels to my anxiety and depression LOL.
I am currently thinking of making a blog just to help myself but maybe other people will read it, if and when I do it and realize they are not alone either.
Anyway , I could go on and on but I will not. I am glad you are all here and glad I found this thread.

 

[jj2]

I too am an adult child of an alcoholic. People who haven't had to deal with the fallout can't even begin to imagine how it effects the family as a whole or each individual. Especially when the alcoholic in question is mentally and/or physically abusive. There is no normal childhood and the abnormality carries on into adulthood.
I do consider myself lucky in many ways since I've survived somewhat "normal" even though I've had to fight a few demons along the way.
I've had a few times of depression but nothing long term. I have more trouble with the lingering feelings of resentment and that's because I still see people who knew my Dad who thought he was a good ole boy.

 

[Nyxie]

You know what is funny is how it all relates. I am codependant because my Mom taught me that is how we are suppose to be. I am an adult child of an alcoholic although I never and still don't feel directly affected by my Father's drinking. I thought all along we had a "normal" life LOL. I am more affected by my Mom's behavior in their relationship than my Dad's drinking.

I am reading a good book about adult children of alcoholics that my therapist recommended It is called it will never happen to me. The author is Claudia Black. I can relate to each and every story in the book but my situations were not as extreme. All this last few months in therapy the therapist keeps talking about my alcoholic upbringing and I kept on and on saying no it wasn't affecting me all this time. She was making me nuts LOL almost to the point of finding another therapist. She was pissing me of that she thought my childhood family was broken. I finally think I get it after a few months and a couple good books. My depression is generally because of my co dependence. I try to fix everyone but myself. I am trying now to not let people run me over anymore. It is a daily task for me though it seems. Especially with my Mom living next door.

 

[jj2]

My Mom was so different from my Dad. I guess this wasn't the case when they first got married. He didn't drink at all when they first got married but this changed after the first child.
Mom was very religious so I had God on one side and Dad on the other spitting out damn this and damn that because us kids couldn't do anything right.
The good thing was, he wasn't home a lot so we didn't have to deal with him a lot. We all did hate Sunday's though because the bars were closed.
Mom believed in man ruled. It really irritated the hell of out me that us girls (4 out of 9 kids) had to wait on the male population of the family. The guys didn't have to clean after themselves, do dishes, do housework, do laundry, or iron their own clothes (which the older brothers wanted done perfectly). The women cooked the meals and then the men ate first. After the last one got up, us girls were allowed to sit and eat.
Let me tell you, this can build some resentment.
For a long time after graduating from High School, I rarely went home, neither did my sister that was one year older than me. For about a year I spent time coming to terms with a lot of things.
Then Mom, who'd been in poor health for a long time, took a turn for the worse. Avoiding home was no longer an option. My sister and I, and two other girls, rented an apartment in a town nearby and sis and I took turns going home during the week and the weekends. This is when things took on a change. Dad and younger brothers probably went into shell shock. My two younger sister learned how to stick up for themselves around the “men” of the family.
Mom even changed her way of thinking and started insisting that the two younger boys kick in and help. All this is probably why the two youngest turned out to be better human beings than the oldest boys---this is a whole different tale and I might get into it more later.
With all her faults, I loved my Mom. Times where different back then and leaving Dad wasn't an option--divorce practically unheard of. I doubt she would've though since, through it all, she loved him---something I will never understand. Then there was the financial aspects of the whole situation and my Dad did make good money (even if he drank away more than half his paycheck).
Given the circumstances, she did do her darnedest to make a good life for us kids.
I did swear never to be like her in some ways but in the last several years, I’ve found myself not saying no and doing all I can to do things for my loved ones that are capable of doing it for themselves. I feel like I’ve taken steps back into the past because the more I do, the more that is asked of me. This merry-go-round sets in mini bouts of depression because I feel used and unappreciated.
I do know that it’s my own doing and I have to fix the problem---whether other people like it or not.

 

[Nyxie]

Yep I totally feel the merry go round thing. So much that it is a user name (msmerrygoround) I use on a bonus family forum that I post on occasionally.
My growing up wasn't that extreme. My Mom has anxiety , so she thinks everyone's feelings or thoughts have something to do with her. So she is always trying to figure out what every one is thinking and fix their problems. I really think the way my Mom acted when I was growing up was more to do with her own raising then my Dad's influence. It is really hard to understand my own situation because I still really don't feel my Dad had a lot to do with the problems I have had. I know this is probably very wrong but it is just what i think at the moment. But you know, as I said before I was ...... at the therapist for saying it was , what it was and it took me a few months to agree but now I do. It just takes so much soul searching some times it makes me tired of looking for the answers. I just need to keep reminding myself the answers really wont change anything , my behavior will.